- Hey everybody I am joined by Ilyssa from Illymation.
Tell my audience a little bit about
what you do on your channel.
It's super cool it's obviously animation.
- Animation.
Hi guys my names Ilyssa and I run the channel Illymation
and I tell animated stories about my life,
but usually not as fun ones
but I promise you'll learn something.
- I think they're fun. - I think they're fun.
- I like them very much.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
And so she share's her own stories
and something that you talked about,
it's been a while now since you've talked about it
but about being in an abusive relationship in the past
and how she knew it was happening, how you coped,
her story, and so today I really wanted to address
'cause I know we have many out there
and community members who have struggled themselves,
is I wanna address some of the misconceptions people
have about it. - Yes.
- And the first one I wanna jump into is
that you'll just know.
- Yeah.
- Like right away, you'll be like this person's a jerkwad
and I don't wanna see them anymore.
- And you'll be like, okay well,
I remember doing percentages in my head.
I'd be like, well they're like 60% bad
but the 40% is still there, what do I do?
- Oh interesting.
- Yeah, I would rationalize it,
I know that's a key word now.
- Yeah of course.
I think the reason this is a misconception
is because it's slow.
- It is.
- It starts with manipulation, gaslighting like,
"That didn't happen that way remember?"
"You don't understand."
- Or like "I didn't mean it."
- "I was just drunk, I never act like that."
"I'll never do it again."
Any kind of justification, manipulation, gaslighting,
all that stuff goes on and it's like you said in the video
that we did on her channel, we did a video over there.
- Check it out. - It'll be in the description.
Is like a frog in a pot, if you haven't heard that--
- Boiling water-- - Yeah, what do you call that?
- Frog in boiling water,
- Is it like an analogy? - Metaphor?
- Metaphor. - Something like that.
- It like slowly turn up the water
and the frog will not get out they'll die.
And I know that's horrible, but it makes so much sense,
that's how manipulation and abusive relationships happen
is it's slow.
- Yeah, rarely is it like you throw a frog in boiling water
cause then they'll know this is unsafe let me leave.
- But abusive people know, put the frog in normal water
and just turn up the heat slowly and it won't even notice.
- Until it becomes normal.
- Until it becomes very normal.
You're like, this stings a little bit but it's still fine.
- Yeah, exactly!
It's not like you walk in on your first date
and they punch you in the face.
- No, yeah, and if they do you should find some help.
- Like walk away.
- And you know to walk away, it's very easy
but relationships are so much harder.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Another misconception that I hear a lot online
and I don't know if you'd agree is that kinda like we said
a punch in the face, I think a lot of people assume abuse
is physical only.
- Yeah, yeah, and I think abusive people know that too
and so they know like, "Okay well I'm not hitting you
therefore it's not abuse."
- Totally, like "There's no marks."
- There's no marks or words don't mean anything.
- Exactly and I think that also I've learned
kind of in this same realm is like,
Oh but he's my boyfriend, just 'cause I didn't want
to have sex and we had sex
that doesn't mean it's rape or assault.
And it's that same kind of thing of,
we assume that abuse only looks like one thing
and only happens in one situation but that's not the truth,
there's emotional abuse, there's sexual abuse,
consent always is important I don't care if I've been
in a relationship for 25 years
and we've been married for five years,
it doesn't really matter I still have to consent to it.
Abuse happens in many forms, there is emotional abuse,
physical abuse, sexual abuse, and there's even,
if you're a child, neglect or elder,
it's not taking care of your basic needs
or if someone's withholding money
there can be financial abuse.
- Yeah, oh my gosh.
- So just don't think that abuse can only look
and feel like one thing.
- And you can have I think, more than one happening.
I mean I didn't talk about this a ton but there was
a bit of financial abuse.
When I, I used to work just minimum wage high school job
and he wasn't working and so when I would get paid
he'd be like I wanna play that new video game with you
can you buy it because you're the one with money
and there were a lot of things that I paid for
that just make my stomach turn now.
It was a weird thing with like, oh well emotional abuse
is this, this, and this it can't overlap with other things.
But it can. - They can overlap.
A lot of times there's all types of abuse going on
at the same time, so just know that what you're feeling,
what you're going through is valid.
It's still abuse, it doesn't have to look
and sound just like someone else's experience
it's still important and you still deserve to get help.
- Yeah and if it just makes you uncomfortable,
you'll have this feeling of this ain't right.
If you're just questioning, wait is that not right?
It's just still worth looking into, reevaluating.
- Agreed. - Yeah.
- Totally.
And the next misconception I wanna role into
is that it only happens to women.
- Yes, oh my gosh.
- It can happen to anybody.
It's like we talk about mental illness for example,
like it doesn't care how old you are, what gender you are,
or what anything about you, creed, religion,
it doesn't matter, it doesn't discriminate
for better or for worse and abuse doesn't either.
- No.
- Men can be abused as well.
I think honestly, the issue is
there's a compounded affect of shame or embarrassment,
like I shouldn't have let this happen.
- Because this doesn't happen to men.
What do you mean it happened to me?
No, no way!
- Yeah.
- And it really, it's right now, we're just beginning
the conversation I think socially
with the Me Too movement, with videos like these.
The conversation is just starting
and people have kind of started accepting,
yeah it happens to women, but for men they're like,
hold on a minute we just started the conversation.
But no we need to have that conversation.
- Yeah, and that's why I really loved,
I don't know if you remember this but,
when the MeToo movement was just happening there were
a few men that spoke out.
- I remember Terry Crews, - That's exactly,
- He was the biggest one, yeah.
And he got so much backlash!
- And he's a huge dude, right?
A big yolk dude - Yeah, he's muscular!
- But that doesn't make him immune to abuse
and people can still take advantage.
And that was really heartbreaking but I was really glad
that he spoke up because hopefully that opened up the gates
for other people to be like, yeah, me too!
- Yeah!
- And the final misconception, but there's a lot more
that we're gonna talk about so hang in there,
is that you should've known better.
- Yes.
- Like you should've seen it by looking at them.
Why didn't you just leave right away?
- Yeah or like at the first warning sign you should've known
all of this bad stuff would happen to you.
- Yeah.
- And that's something that, I mean me as a victim
that's what I think about too, but I was like,
I thought about logging off and never coming online
ever again at this point.
God I should have went through with that,
only if I had known!
- But then that's like that guilt-shame spiral
that we just, (hums descending tones)
Again, like we talked about at the beginning,
that boiling water--
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's really slow and you can't negate the fact
that you cared about the person
and that there was love there.
- And it wasn't always like that either.
- No, and no one's 100% bad.
It's not like there are these nasty villains
that look a certain way and we can know.
It's like small little things over time that wear us down.
- Snowballing.
- Yeah, it's almost like a stone with water,
slowly wears us down and I think that the more
we as people not in abusive relationships,
as well as people in situations like this understand this
the more we can encourage people to get help sooner.
- Yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause it's that guilt and shame that holds people
in abusive situations for so long.
I don't know if you've ever talked about on your channel,
I don't think so but like the abuse cycle.
Or the cycle of violence some people call it,
but it's like so there's the crisis phase
which is when something actually happens.
- Awful. - Whether they shout at you,
- One big event, - Exactly.
- Really shocks you.
- And you're like, oh my God, oh my God,
followed immediately by the honeymoon phase
where they're like-- - I'm so sorry.
- I would never do this,
I don't know what I was thinking.
You know me better than that.
- And from what I know some gaslighting
that's like, you know I didn't mean to do any of that
and it just happened.
- Or they make justifications,
but you got me all hyped up 'cause you said this and--
- You, you, you, it was all you.
Yeah, it was like,
maybe next time I won't get so mad if you don't do that.
- Exactly and so that is kinda followed by that,
then there's this kind of waiting period
where it can be kind of calm for a minute
and then we go into tension building
which is that eggshell walking
and then we go round and round.
And so I think it's important to understand that
that's why we get caught in it because it's not like
it's abuse, abuse, abuse, it's like I'm so sorry,
if I do that again I'll kill myself
and all this manipulation.
- Like I'm just pathetic, I think that's why I do it.
- I don't know how you stay with me it's-
- Yes, Oh my God.
- So it just gets you caught.
- It's visceral right now.
- But I think a lot of people are like,
"Why didn't you just leave?"
- Well I think the thing is to is that everyone believes,
I know some people ask me do you forgive him?
And honestly I don't because there were so many times
that he said I'm sorry please forgive me,
if you don't forgive me I'm gonna.
And so I know what forgiveness does for these people,
it makes them feel justified, it makes them go,
"Alright cool I can go do it again."
Or "Cool I can go do it to somebody else."
So for me I can't forgive him for doing any of that
'cause I know what forgiveness means to him.
That's how you really get caught in it,
because people say just say sorry and just forgive them
and just get over it.
- It's not that easy. - It's not that easy,
and somethings don't need your forgiveness.
- No and some people don't earn it.
- No and you need to earn it, you need to change,
but they don't change.
And that's the thing, and I think
that's important to understand.
I've talked about this a little bit on my channel
but I think it's really important to address it here,
is a lot of people I know in my community
have been like, well they might change
and they might get better
and what if I wanna come back to the relationship?
I'm gonna leave now, but then maybe I can come back--
- Yeah and maybe he'll be better in a few years.
- Yeah and sure, part of my career
is that I believe people can change but not on your dime.
It's not up to you to be like, oh did they,
are they really working hard enough,
maybe I'll just try this again.
You deserve better.
Let them if they wanna get better, kudos.
If they wanna ask for forgiveness later when they've changed
that's awesome, that doesn't mean that they deserve
a second chance with you in a relationship.
- It doesn't mean that you have to hang out
with them either or be around them.
They're like, "Well I said I changed
and I should be able to be around you again."
No.
- No, you can say, I forgive you if you do,
or you can say thank you,
- Thank you for reevaluating.
- Or you don't have to say anything at all,
you can completely leave and ghost them
and you should change your number
and change your routines, keep yourself safe.
Yeah, so I just kinda wanted to address that
'cause I think a lot of people assume that you know,
but what if I wanna get back?
And it's also okay and we talk about this in the video
on Ilyssa's channel is that it's okay to miss them,
it's okay to still be in love with them,
we just have to give ourselves time to process it.
- 'Cause it was a relationship, it was not good,
it was not healthy but it still was a relationship
between two people.
- Yeah and just know that that's okay.
It's okay to be sad, it's okay to miss them,
that doesn't negate what happened
and that doesn't put you at fault,
that's just part of the process.
So how did you get out?
How did you get help?
I think that's kind of important for people to hear
so they know that it's possible.
- I have to say one thing I really regretted
is when it all ended for me and to be clear it ended
in 2015 and it is currently 2019,
so this has been over for four years
and so I've been in the healing process for four years.
The first I wanna say, two years,
I don't think I saw a therapist
and I really wish I should have because I just had
so many questions and I also just started college
and so I didn't have that many close friends around me,
my parents were back home
and what a crazy conversation we did have
but for me I needed to talk to a therapist
and I really wish I had sooner.
I did, again yeah, two years later in 2017,
I've been seeing a therapist since which is really nice
and if you can't afford it I'd very much consider it
and you can go to psychology today.com/ therapist
or there's some search bar that says find a therapist--
- It'll be in the description.
- Yeah, I think it's just for the United States
but I'm sure if you just do enough research
you'll be able to find one.
- Yeah and there are online resources too
so if you don't have them in your area
we can find them that way.
And also therapists do work on sliding scales,
meaning it's completely okay to go in
and be like, hey I'm a student,
I know you charge $150, I can pay $80 is that cool?
- Some universities, some schools, guidance counselors--
- Mine did, I got therapy for free all through undergrad
and grad which was beautiful and amazing.
- Something for free in college?
- I know, imagine that!
- Crazy!
So please take advantage of those resources cause that
is the main thing that's helped me.
I learned a lot, in the beginning I had PTSD symptoms
which will be very common I think.
- Yeah hypervigilance, not trusting yourself,
not trusting others, no confidence,
there's a lot of ramifications of long term emotional abuse
or even physical abuse, sexual abuse, any kind of abuse.
- I find that for a little while too,
like while I was processing it,
of course there were things that I would bring up
and it would be like, he would do this,
and my therapist would go, he did what?
And so there were so many things
that you have to go back and almost relive
which is very tough, it's very scary,
but that is what a good therapist is for.
I've sadly heard it so many times,
but they know exactly what to do.
So my therapist has given me so many ways
to cope with anxiety mostly, social anxiety is a big one,
I think that's really big for anyone who is on Youtube too.
I guess to be more open,
for a little while I was on some medication to help
because sometimes it's just, these responses.
- We can have panic attacks, - Yes, I had so many!
- And you can be just so overwhelmed,
like your system's always overwhelmed
and I always talk about medication
because I know a lot of people are like (groans)
they're in judgment and stigma but it's like a life raft.
You are drowning sometimes and you just need
to get your head above water.
- Yeah for me when I was taking medication
it was an anti-anxiety, it just,
I have a lot of racing thoughts kind of constantly
and you can really work with yourself
to recognize these racing thoughts
and something to work with your doctor, your therapist
but sometimes taking a medication, honestly,
really got rid of just little,
It brought you up to a baseline.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Where it's a little easier to, and also
people say this but really exercise really helps.
Just getting away.
I like swimming because nobody can talk to me
'cause I'm swimming, nobody can talk to me when I swim.
- Yeah I like that.
- And then also,
I wanna make a video about it sometime,
but if I stop thinking about counting my breaths,
making sure I'm breathing,
making sure I'm completely focused on me,
if I get distracted while I'm swimming I will just,
I'll run into a wall, I won't come up for air
and so taking time just for yourself.
- Agreed.
- Self care.
- So important.
- Whether you can afford a therapist or not,
'cause I think that's something
that during an abusive relationship
you don't really have time for yourself,
it's all about them.
- And taking time can make you feel guilty.
- Yes, oh my gosh.
- Thank you so much for sharing, that's so helpful.
But also I just wanna let you all know,
as we're talking about, you don't have to do it alone
and you shouldn't do it alone.
Having friends and family who can be supportive,
having a therapist, it's all very, very key to your recovery
because it's something that's really hard to do on your own.
- It's really helpful to have,
I know my family would check in,
'cause again I was in college,
didn't have super close friends at the time
and so for a while I was just checking in with my mom a lot
because she's someone who you know,
maybe for you you have someone in your life
that's seen it all and so now that you're out
they're so willing to just not even talk about it,
just talk about your day.
- Yeah, just connect with you.
- Be there, and just reestablish, reaffirm,
that what you're going through is very tough
and you can always talk to someone about it
or about anything else.
- Yes and before you leave,
if you're trying to leave a relationship,
make sure you tell someone so that it's,
I know this sounds bad but if anything happens
someone knows what's going on, someone knows where you are,
where you live, just taking precautions,
don't do it alone, ensure you have support.
If you don't have friends and family like we talked about
there are domestic violence resources,
I link things in the description,
there are places you can stay
until you figure out your next moves,
but know that it can and will get better.
And thank you so much for sharing your story.
- Thank you for having me on here.
- Oh of course! - This was great.
- It is wonderful.
And we answered a lot of other questions on her channel
and the video we did over there so if you still have things
swirling and twirling in your head you can check that out
the link will be in the top of the description
and we'll see you next time.
- [Both] Bye!
- Thank you.
- Yeah!
(gentle digital music)