- My name is Ace Venom.
Yes, that is my real name.
I had it legally changed in 2007.
I'm 32 years old.
Been here in Portland, Oregon, since 2003.
I am a Jedi Realist.
I practice the philosophies
that were first introduced in "Star Wars."
Right now, my fiancée and I are living in our truck.
A while back, our rent was raised.
We both have jobs, make decent money,
but it's just too expensive
to live in an apartment these days.
Jediism is not about the magic tricks.
As part of my faith,
I intentionally place myself in a position
where I can help the most people
at any given point in time.
That's my Jedi mission.
- A long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away,
a movie happened that I couldn't care less about.
That's Ace Venom,
and the force of crushing poverty is with him.
He loves everything I hate:
space, magic, Portland.
He calls himself a Jedi Knight,
only he doesn't fight the dark side;
he picks up garbage on the side of the road
like a prisoner.
Here's what I know about "Star Wars":
a teenager doesn't want to do his chores,
has daddy issues,
and wants to [bleep] his sister.
"Star Wars" is just a soap opera
with flashlight swords and Muppets.
It's a fake religion, like Scientology.
The only difference is, "Star Wars" pays taxes
and wasn't created by a drug addict.
I will say, it was kind of a dick move of the franchise
to kill off Princess Leia and her mom at the same time.
And why do stormtroopers bother wearing all that armor
when they always die in one shot?
Meanwhile, the real Han Solo's been crashing his plane
into every golf course in Southern California.
But the most unrealistic part of that movie
is how quickly the black guy confessed
to being the father.
Still, if Ace wants to live every day like it's Comic-Con,
I'll freeze him in carbonite
and fly him on the Kessel Run to Hollywood
in less than 12 parsecs
for this week's Ce-web-rity Profile.
[dramatic music]
[electrical whirring]
- Greetings.
Are you in line for the new "Star Wars" movie?
- Yes.
But I've also been known
to crash on the streets from time to time.
- Oh, delightful.
Come along, Artoo.
- [whirring]
- I'm DT.0.
This is my fiancée, R2-DD2.
She is the droid I was looking for.
- [whistling]
- Are you still homeless?
- No. No, actually, I'm renting a basement
from some friends of mine.
- When did you convert to Jediism?
- In 2010, August 8th.
- Is it like Judaism? - No, not really.
- What do you do, like, on a day-to-day basis
to make the world a better place?
- Try and be friendly to people.
- Uh-huh. - Be kind, you know.
- You also try to clean the city up.
- Yeah, a little bit here and there
when I get the chance.
- You ever think of adding on the end of a lightsaber
one of those little pickup things?
- Actually, I have one of those.
- You've thought of everything.
I don't know why I thought I could come up with something
that you hadn't thought of.
That one profile piece that I saw on you,
you were engaged and living out of your car.
Are you guys married now?
- No, we split ways,
decided we were much better friends than we were partners.
- But did you actually get married or no?
- No. - Oh, all right.
So you dodged that bullet. - Yeah, I sure did.
- Good for you.
Are you single right now, or are you dating someone?
- No, I'm dating someone. - Okay.
Let's just say you're single.
How soon into dating do you say, "By the way, I'm a Jedi"?
- Day one. - Okay.
Can you become a Jedi
without having any interest in "Star Wars"?
- Absolutely.
- 'Cause I am-- I'm not into 'em.
- Frankly, I find the plot
to most of the "Star Wars" movies
to be a little dry.
- If George Lucas was here right now,
what would you say to him?
- "Thank goodness you're not in control anymore."
- Oh!
What about that neck of his?
Quite the wattle he's got.
Is your opinion of him universal amongst Jedis?
- No.
Some actually really like the prequels.
I'm not one of them.
- Who's the most famous Jedi?
- Probably the guy I had drinks with last night,
Opie Macleod.
- You had drinks last night
with Opie Macleod here in LA?
- Yeah, he lives here.
- Good one, guys.
Let that one slip through the crack.
Opie Macleod was right under our goddamn noses the whole time.
You want to hear my Yoda impression?
- Sure.
- [nasally] Yoda.
Y-Yoda.
[stammers]
What's something I should say as Yo--
- Breathe, you should.
- Yoda sounds v--
Yoda and--
[normal voice] Yoda sounds a lot like Miss Piggy.
- Aren't they voiced by the same person, Frank Oz?
- Yeah.
Whoo.
[bleep] head exploded.
Did you know that?
Goddamn, this nerd [bleep] is cool.
When did you lose your virginity?
- I was 13.
- Oh, my God.
That's way too young.
- Yeah, probably.
- That is so young.
Such a--such a force you had.
I'm jealous.
I was so self-conscious about my penis.
And then I also remember this guy in seventh grade,
Shane [bleep], that had arguably the biggest dick
I've ever seen.
And I can remember it clear as day.
Just--he was a good friend.
Just the biggest dick.
It was so long.
It was just hanging there.
And I just remember going,
"I can never let him see my penis."
Mine was so small compared to his.
- [whistles]
- Oh, I bet it's huge today.
- [whistles]
- All right, enough of this penis talk.
I'm gonna pretend I don't have an itch in my eye.
- [laughs]
- I would have given you all of my money
and converted right there if that would have went away.
Can Jedis make love longer than most?
- Hard to say.
- I assume you're a selfless lover,
or is that not the case?
- Yeah, no, that's totally the case.
- Do you always finish?
- Mm...
- I'm, like, batting a thousand, lifetime.
- Course, you know, after hour three,
sometimes it gets a little overly sensitive.
- All right.
Hour three? - Yeah.
- You make love for three hours?
- Sometimes.
- Of penetration?
- Usually.
- For three hours?
- Usually.
- That's so boring.
I think I'm gonna put my robe on too.
It always gets so cold in the theater.
[electrical whirring]
I'm good.
- [wolf whistle]
- Oh, R2-DD2,
keep it in your pants.
Ace, I am your father.
- Good one.
- All right, I'm not your father.
But I did [bleep] your mom last night.
[laughs]
- What did you just say?
[lightsabers humming]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[whirring]
- This parody is flawed.
I mean, I enjoy seeing characters
from the original trilogy, but I'm just not sure
how the story line fits into canon.
- C-3PO was never even programmed to use a lightsaber.
- [whistling]
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
[blowing]
All right.
[car horn honks]
Wait. Whoa! Sorry.
I got to go. My mom's here.
- [whistles]
[whistles]
- I don't need state-of-the-art graphics
to enjoy a movie.
"A Man Called Ove" was the best film of the year,
and it cost $8.