if I had to choose between 'I love people' and 'I hate people'...
Now this is not about people that piss everyone off like
eager assholes in public transport
slow walkers when you're in a hurry
or jerks that don't hold the door for you.
This is about specific types of people who annoy me.
NUMBER 1
A person who is horrible at telling jokes
Okay, some people don't have the gift of telling jokes
but when they also don't have the gift of realizing when to stop, it's a deadly combination.
So the other day the funniest thing happened! You will.. you're gonna laugh so much, oh my God! It was so funny!
PHASE 1 - Mental preparation for a very embarassing situation
So, the other day I was running to catch my bus and...
Oh my God, this is everything but funny, I will probably need to fake my laugh
what should be the volume level of my laughter and when is the time to start laughing? Oh my God..
...so I'm running to catch the bus... and I slip and I fall!
PHASE 2 - Mistaking the punchline: Starting to laugh after his first pause thinking it was the punchline
I slip and I fall and you will never guess who saw me - Jennifer from high school!
...she comes walking over...
...you know, with her little princess walk...
...and I am completely...I look...
PHASE 3 - Cheekbone cramps
...terrible, I am completely covered in mud, my face is, everything is covered in mud...
...and she comes over to me and she says the funniest..
PHASE 4 - Realizing the truth: He notices your fake, unnatural face expression, gets nervous
it was so funny! She said...
..she said: Are you okay, sir?...
..I mean...like..
..she said, she said.. you... eeh..
she said.. you...
PHASE 5 - Awkward finishing line: Now we both fully realize that this is going to end very awkwardly
..she said: You look like my... eeh..
my ex-boyfriend Ben!
PHASE 6 - Badly times, incredibly fake laugh
We both feel extremely uncomfotable and our relationship will never be the same again
That.. that was a good one.
NUMBER 2
A person who is kinda hard to communicate with
I'm talking about people whom you cannot squeeze a single fucking sentence out of
Show him the way to the bus stop and I'll see you guys tomorrow
So how do you like the city so far?
It's okay.
What do you like to most? The parties, the women?
I don't know..
The beer, right?
I don't drink beer.
The city centre is beautiful, isn't it?
Yeah.
But it's kinda dangerous at night, right?
Mhm
So where do you live once again?
Far.
NUMBER 3
The exact opposite - a person who talks way too much
I try to avoid these people as much as possible, but sometimes you have no other option.
Shit there's that annoying guy from high school, just don't look at him, don't look at him!
Hey Peter!
Oh for fucks sa--- Heeeey!
How you doin'?
Not really good
Listen man, let's grab a beer!
It's really been a long time, you and me man, let's go grab a beer man!
I'm really busy right now..
Ah come on man! Hey, hey, I'm paying, let's go!
we had this really annoying intern guy at work and everybody hated him, especially Jim, do you know Jim?
Doesn't even matter. But Jim, he's like the class clown and he makes everybode laugh except one time
he did a prank, something on the regional manager named Michael, something about Ponzi scheme
but I gotta take a piss, I'll be right back
NUMBER 4
People that act humble, but they're not
These types really get on my nerves, because fake humility is the worst thing I can imagine
Oh, you have a guitar here!
Noo, I can't play guitar, maybe just a few chords, but I'm not very good at it
Oh, I was just asking, I'm not gonna like play it, that would be totally embarassing, right?
Or maybe I'll just play some chords in the corner, but I'm definetely not having like a concert here..
Hallelujah... hallelujah...
NUMBER 5
People who are on their phones while I'm talking to them
...should i say something more?
...and that stupid ATM just blocked my card, you know I'm standing there, people are waiting behind me
and I have no idea what to do! What would you do for example?
Well, that's.. that's.. that's really funny.
Don't you always want to do this?!
..so I'm calling my bank and...
What the f*ck are you still doing on that f*cking phone? Can't you pay attention to me for f*cking 5 minutes?
What's so important, you c*nt?!
I'm sorry man, I'm dealing with my grandad's funeral...
you know, I'm texting the cemetery, coz he was kinda tall and they don't have the right coffin for him.
I'm so sorry.
What about you, are you one of these types?