Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck. And I am a parenting expert.
I own teachingselfgovernment.com which is a website dedicated to training
families how to learn self-government for
themselves. Self-government cannot be learned unless
a person knows how to problem-solve. In this video, we're going to talk about
how to teach problem-solving to kids.
The child brain is constantly growing and changing.
The place that we see the most growth occur is the front
part of the brain. This prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that does all
of the problem solving for the child. This is the
intellectual center of the brain that logically
computes things for the child. And when they're little it's so
tiny. I mean of course the whole brain is tinier. But it's really tiny.
And over time it gets bigger and bigger as they develop and grow and learn
all the many things that they need to. So, when they're learning and growing and
learning how to logically process and problem solve
things, it's important that we don't load too much at them at first. So, some of the
things that we do that make it hard for children to solve
their own problems is we attach these terms to things
that they can't break down and sort out very well.
So, we say things to them like, "You have an attitude problem.
You're whining." Or we say things like, "You're being disobedient." You know, that's
like really broad. What does that mean? You
know, just that means you don't like what I'm
doing? Like that's all they usually compute. You don't like it. Okay, whatever
it is, you don't like it. But it doesn't give them enough so that
they can fix and solve those problems themselves. If a
person is going to learn problem solving, they need 4 basic skills.
In fact, these children's books that I have right here teach
one of those... They each teach one of the 4 basic skills.
If a person learns these 4 basic skills, that takes care of
99% of their behavior problems. And I know because i was a foster parent for
troubled teens for a number of years. And these were the 4 basic skills we
learned and used to solve almost every single one
of their problems. Everyone. Occasionally you could make another skill set if you
want to. But it's not even that necessary. So, what are these 4 basic skills? This
one teaches following instructions. This one teaches accepting no answers and
criticism, accepting consequences and
disagreeing appropriately. So, they've got to learn skills. Now, here's the thing:
Disagreeing appropriately? That sounds even more vague.
Or does it? Each one of these skills has a skill set
attached to it which breaks down the skill.
So, to disagree appropriately, you look at the person,
keep a calm face, voice and body. You say that you understand the other person's
point of view. You share your point of view. You listen
to what they have to say and then you say okay and drop the
subject. It's 7 steps. But those are each
individual sections of the process a person really
goes through to accomplish that skill. So, if I have a
child who says, "Mom, can i disagree appropriately?"
I'm going to say, "Yes, you can disagree appropriately.
But right now you don't have a calm face voice and body.
So, you want to make sure you get that in check before you do that because that's
one of the steps, right?" So, then if they say, "Mom, I know
that you don't want me to go out and play. But I told Susie I would
come out." That is not a calm voice face and body. And I
would correct that. And I would point it out. I would say,
"Paije, right now you're trying to tell me about going outside to play.
But you are not doing it in a disagree appropriately way.
Because you are not keeping a calm face, voice and body.
What you should do is you should look at the person, keep a calm face voice and
body say that you understand the other
person's point of view, share your point of view
listen to what they have to say. Say okay and then drop the subject."
So, that's how I can break it down for her so then does she know exactly what
to fix. She did every other step to disagreeing
appropriately except for keeping a calm face, voice and
body. So, now she knows that next time she
disagrees appropriately, she can remember to keep a calm face,
voice and body. Now, of course, there's ways that
we correct these skills so that they can narrow it down to which
piece of the skill that they missed. But having those skills broken down
in a more simple format so that they can know exactly where to change
helps them solve their problems, helps them communicate more effectively.
When I started doing foster care for troubled teens, I was introduced to a
problem-solving exercise called SODAS. I wish i could say i made it up. I
didn't. But it's genius. Sodas is not a drink it's a
problem-solving exercise that stands for situations, options, disadvantages
advantages, solution. And I teach how to do that in
this book Parenting: A House United. Or in any of my courses on the teaching
selfgovernment.com website. So, sodas works like this: The parent
gives a situation. The situation is something like, "Mom says
not to have a cookie but I really want one."
And then the child picks the options that they have. There's always at least
3 options. And 2 of the options are
usually positive options. But usually they could if they wanted to list. They
could come up with probably 8 or 9
options for what to do. Besides have a cookie.
But we try to keep it to 3 or 4 or you know in that neighborhood. Anyway,
then they think of all the disadvantages for each of one of those options.
All the advantages for each of those options. And then they come up with their
solution and we debrief it. We discuss it. And we
try to go into why they think that decision is really
the best decision. We use these problem solving exercises
for negative consequences sometimes when children have had a hard time
actually problem solving in real life. We also use them when they have to make big
decisions in their life. Or we use them when children have been
fighting with each other and they didn't solve a problem
the right way. We give them the brain time to sort through that
experience that they just had and come up with a new way to solve it
and then of course after, we practice it. In my teaching self-government
course, we talk about the importance of having deliberate meetings together as a
family. So, in our family, we have 3 different
meetings. We have couples meetings, family meetings and individual mentor
meetings each week. These meetings teach the children
how to solve problems as a group and with one
other person in a relationship. They are so empowering. When you have the
opportunity to get together with a group of people
bring up a problem that you see that exists
and then in a very calm and organized format
go through the process of solving that problem together as a group,
it feels like no problem is unsolvable. Children need to know that their
problems are not too big to find solutions to. Parents are
the ones that have to set the example that those problems are easy to solve by
taking the children through that problem solving process
again and again. When we have our individual meetings
with the children which we call mentor meetings, we will bring up one
thing perhaps that we think needs to be solved.
Or maybe they'll have a concern a problem that they want to discuss with
us and how they might be able to solve that
problem. Well, then we set goals for them. We come
up with the right type of goals that are founded upon
the skills and principles that they already have. And then we set those goals
and they check up on the goal and how well
they've done with it in the next meeting. Checking up is important. If there's no
accountability, a person will not be good at problem
solving. So, accountability is a big part of the
teaching self-government parenting system.
Probably the most important thing that a person can learn
if they really want to be good at solving any type of problem their life
throws at them is how to analyze themselves and
choose calmness. People don't like to look at themselves. That's probably one
of the hardest things that anybody does, is examine themselves and say, "That needs
to be fixed." But if you do that for yourself,
you open the door to honesty, you open the door to freedom.
And then you open the door to better communication.
If a person analyzes themselves and knows how to choose calmness,
how to behave and communicate in a calm way,
then they have a vital tool that will carry them through
any family meeting, any goal setting time, any meeting with a boss or employer,
any interview. Any moment that they have where they need to solve a problem with
a co-worker, a neighbor, a family member. The calmness is
something they can hold on to. And it actually is another skill-set. And
I want to give that calm skill_set to you which is a 6-
step process for free. So, if you click on the link
below this video that says calm parenting toolkit, you can have my
calm parenting toolkit for free. I know you're going to enjoy it.
It's going to give you the 6 steps that you need for how to be calm
when somebody else isn't. And how to help them find calmness
without losing your calmness at the same time.
The calm parenting toolkit truly will make you a better problem solver as a
parent and the children will be better problem
solvers too.
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