WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT WAS ANOTHER BUSY WEEKEND FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
WASN'T IT?
TRUMP WENT ON TWITTER EARLY SATURDAY MORNING AND LAUNCHED
OFF SEVERAL POSTS ACCUSED BARACK OBAMA OF WIRETAPPING TRUMP TOWER
DURING THE ELECTION.
ONE OF TRUMP'S TWEETS WENT TERRIBLE, JUST FOWBD OUT THAT
OBAMA HAD MY WIRES TAPPED IN TRUMP TOWER JUST BEFORE THE
VICTORY, NOTHING FOUND, THIS IS McCARTHYISM.
(LAUGHTER) THERE SEA NO BAY TRUMP KNOWING
WHAT McCARTHYISM IS.
(LAUGHTER) HE DEFINITELY MEANS THIS
McCARTHY.
(LAUGHTER) THIS IS WHEN SHE LAMPOONS SPICER
ON SNL.
I'LL GET YOU McCARTHY.
NOW TRUMP HAD ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE THAT THE WIRETAPPING
OCCURRED.
AND RIGHT NOW WE ARE THIS CLOSE TO TRUMP PUTTING TINFOIL ON HIS
HEAD DURING A SPEECH AND SHOUTING TRY READING MY THOUGHTS
NOW, OBAMA.
IN ANOTHER TWEET TRUMP WROTE HOW LOW HAS PRESIDENT OBAMA GONE TO
TAPP MY PHONES DURING THE VERY SACRED ELECTION PROCESS.
THIS IS NIXON/WATERGATE, BAD OR SICK GUY.
NOW THESE ARE DAMNING ALLEGATIONS WITH ENORMOUS
SIGNIFICANTS IF TRUE, SO OF COURSE THE NATION IMMEDIATELY
RESPONDED BY SAYING HEY DIP [BLEEP] YOU SPELLED TAP WRONG.
(APPLAUSE) APPARENTLY, NOW, THIS IS TRUMP,
APPARENTLY TRUMP BELIEVES THIS BECAUSE HE READ ABOUT IT IN
BREITBART NEWS.
SO HE DIDN'T DISKFER A WIRETAP.
HE JUST READ ABOUT IT AND BELIEVED IT.
I'M LIKE QUICK, SOMEONE RIGHT A-- WRITE A FAKE NEWS STORY
ABOUT TRUMP RESIGNING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HE'LL BE LIKE JUST READ I'VE RESIGNED AS PRESIDENT, TERRIBLE
NEWS, WHY DID I QUIT, DIDN'T READ ARTICLE.
IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS PHOTO THAT WENT
VIRAL OVER THE WEEKEND?
TAKE A LOOK.
SO THIS PHOTO, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS HILLARY CLINTON READING A
"U.S.A. TODAY" ARTICLE ABOUT HOW MIKE PENCE USED A PERSONAL EMAIL
ADDRESS THE ENTIRE TIME HE WAS GOVERNOR OF INDIANA.
NOW HILLARY HAD TO THINK THAT THIS WAS HYPOCRITICAL BUT THERE
ARE SOME BIG DIFFERENCES IN THE TWO CASES.
FOR EXAMPLE, MIKE PENCE WAS GOVERNOR OF INDIANA WHEN HE WAS
USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL.
WHEREAS HILLARY CLINTON ON THE OTHER HANDS WITH A WOMAN.
(APPLAUSE) HAVE A LOOK AT THAT PHOTO AGAIN.
I GET QUITE WISTFUL LOOKING AT THAT PHOTO, TO THINK, GUYS, WE
COULD HAVE HAD A PRESIDENT WHO ACTUALLY READS.
(LAUGHTER) SOMETHING OTHER THAN TWITTER.
MOVING ON TO MUSIC NEWS.
JIMMY BUFFETT HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S OPENING A MARGARITAVILLE
RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN FLORIDA.
YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO SAY IT WAS IN FLORIDA, THOUGH.
THAT WAS A GIVEN, WASN'T IT.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A JIMMY BUFFETT CONCERT?
IT'S ALREADY A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY.
BUT THIS COULD BE VERY POPULAR.
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR PARENTS IN A
RETIREMENT COMMUNITY WHOSE MOTTO BEGINS WITH THE WORDS WASTING
AWAY IN MARGARITAVILLE.
(LAUGHTER) NOT TO BE OUTDONE THERE IS
ANOTHER BAND THAT IS CATERING TO THEIR AGING FAN BASE, IT'S THE
NEXT LOGICAL STEP, IS THE GRATEFUL DEAD FUNERAL HOME.
(LAUGHTER) COULD HAPPEN.
NOW FINALLY WE THOUGHT THIS STORY WAS BIZARRE.
A TEXAS MAN HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH INDECENT EXPOSURE AFTER HIS
NEIGHBOR SAID SHE SAW HIM HAVING SEX WITH HIS FENCE.
I TELL YOU WHAT, THESE TRUMP SUPPORTERS REALLY LOVE THOSE
WALLS.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY HIS NEIGHBOR WAS SO UPSET.
WOULD YOU GET MAD TOO YOU IF YOU KEPT FINDING YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
BALLS IN YOUR YARD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CHEESIER GUYS, I APPRECIATE IT.