Let's begin with the COVID pandemic!
Yes, remember that?
Next week will be four years since the day
we started to take it seriously because Tom Hanks got it.
Oh, no!
Not Tom!
Take Chet instead!
But everything's fine now.
The CDC just issued new guidance
saying that you don't even have to isolate
if you get COVID anymore.
That's right.
You can go ahead and keep coughing into people's faces,
as long as you feel a little bad about it afterwards.
It really feels like no one's trying to avoid COVID anymore.
Well, almost no one.
REPORTER: A German man has puzzled scientists
after he deliberately got more than
200 COVID-19 vaccinations--
217, to be exact--
over 2 and 1/2 years.
That's a shot every four days, roughly.
REPORTER: Of course, scientists are wondering
what the effect was on him.
First of all, he didn't report any vaccine-related side
effects at all.
Secondly, his immune response did show an increase
in immune cells, but not necessarily a better
or worse immune response.
And finally, guys, he never got SARS-COV-2,
the virus that causes COVID.
So 217 shots, an approach also known
as the immune system bukkake.
[LAUGHTER]
If you laughed at that, you are disgusting.
I mean-- I mean, I know anti-vaxxers
are stupid, but let's not overcorrect here, all right?
I will say this, though.
A lot of people did their own research.
This man became his own research.
That's-- that's commitment.
And also a nice change of pace to see
Germans doing human experiments on themselves.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
And also-- hey, I'm glad that he didn't
suffer any major side effects.
But sadly for this guy, doctors still haven't found a cure
for being weird as [BLEEP].
Let's move on to the ongoing crisis in Gaza,
where the United States is taking
extreme measures to solve a tiny fraction of the problem.
REPORTER: The United States has conducted another air
drop of aid in the Gaza Strip.
The mission delivered 36,000 meals in the north,
but it's still far below the amount of aid needed
for the around-300,000 Palestinians
who remained in the northern strip
after the Israeli invasion.
Airdrops are probably the least efficient and most
expensive way to deliver aid, but it's
a last resort, with Israel blocking critical supplies
on the ground.
Yes, that's right.
America managed to airdrop food around a blockade
that Israel built with weapons America gave them.
That's good, but wouldn't it be better if the United
States just told Israel?
Just move.
Move out of the way.
We gave you that.
We're trying to help people.
Get out of the way.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Yeah, it just--
I don't know.
It just seems a lot less efficient to Uber Eats drops
food from 1000 feet up or yelling, hey, don't
forget to give us five stars!
Or maybe, I don't know, America should just
invent weapons that only fire food and send those to Israel.
That way, when you go to use a tank, it just fires burritos.
Efficient and delicious.
But let's move on to some domestic news here in America.
The TSA is testing out a new way to make airport
security even more annoying.
REPORTER: This could be the future of airport security.
At the TSA's innovation checkpoint at Las Vegas
International, travelers are testing new self-service
technology for the first time.
The idea is, it's supposed to be like a regular TSA
checkpoint, except fewer TSA agents
and, hopefully, streamlined.
Everything tucked in inside your bin?
Yes.
REPORTER: Here, passengers are greeted by a virtual agent.
If you have a question, it's really
easy just to talk to the camera,
get a very quick answer back.
REPORTER: Real agent, real person.
DAVID PEKOSKE: Right, who doesn't have to physically
be in the checkpoint with you.
They're still performing the function
that we've asked them to perform,
but in a different location.
What the [BLEEP] is this shit?
So it's a regular TSA line but you added a Zoom meeting?
Sorry, hey, hey, I said I don't have a bomb!
I don't have a bomb! What?
What? You're muted!
You're muted!
I can't-- Oh, wait, sorry, I'm muted!
I'm muted!
This isn't going to work guys, OK?
Because we all know what it's like to work remotely.
TSA is going to be pretending to look for bombs,
but they actually have porn open in another tab, right?
And even if they do catch someone,
what are they going to do?
Order us to tackle ourselves?
Hey, I got a solution for you, TSA.
It's a new form of technology called open another lane.
Just open another lane.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
In fact-- in fact, it doesn't even
matter what TSA is doing, OK?
Because the problem is the people.
There's always a guy in line holding everyone up,
trying to bring a full suit of armor
through the X-ray machine.
Oh, I'm sorry, is this metal?
But look, none of this even really matters,
because once you get through security,
there's a good chance the door will fall
off your plane anyway, OK?
So.
And finally, while the TSA is trying
to reduce the number of security agents,
the New York City subway is getting a shit ton more.
The controversial new plan to address crime on the subway--
1,000 members of the National Guard and state police
will join forces with transit cops
to conduct bag checks and patrol
hundreds of subway stations.
REPORTER: The move by New York's governor
follows a reported 45% spike in transit crimes in January.
The NYPD reminds people it is worth
taking their longstanding advice on how to stay safe.
Watch your things, and at least lower
the volume on those headsets that you wear
or take them out entirely.
Oh, shut up, Mom.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm definitely not lowering the volume of my music, OK?
You think I want to be alone with my thoughts
on public transport?
I'd rather get stabbed.
And look.
Look, I'm not saying crime isn't a problem
in the New York subway, OK?
A 45% spike in transit crimes in January
alone is actually kind of impressive.
I mean, New York criminals are the only ones keeping
their New Year's resolutions.
But getting the military to search bags for weapons
isn't going to solve it, OK?
Because New Yorkers can make a weapon out of anything--
a bottle, a vape, a day-old bagel.
It's prison rules down there, OK?
Anything can be a shiv if you stab hard enough.
Drawing up invasion plans for the C train just
feels like you're playing off people's fears, all right?
My mom lives in Singapore.
She's already worried for me here.
She thinks the New York subway is a fist fight to the death
every day, when really, it's only a fist fight to the death
only once or twice a week.
For more on this story, let's go to a New York City subway
station with Troy Iwata.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Troy.
Troy, Troy, what's the mood down there?
It's great, Ronny.
Everyone feels super secure.
There's 60 soldiers here, 50 more police.
The Coast Guard has a dinghy floating in that gross puddle
over there.
It is-- it is locked down.
OK, glad to know that people are feeling safe.
What are the long-term plans for addressing the root
causes of subway crime?
"Long-term"?
Those are big words.
I don't-- I don't follow.
I don't know, like, mental health
treatment, affordable housing?
Oh, those sound like really nice, expensive things.
You know, we just don't-- we don't have the money for that.
OK, but how much did all that National Guard stuff cost?
Don't worry about that.
That's military spending, so it doesn't-- doesn't count.
Well, what do you mean it doesn't count?
It costs money.
Money is money.
Except money for the military.
You know?
You know how, like, calories are calories except when it's
your birthday or you're sad?
Military money, it just appears when it's needed,
you know, like a fairy godmother
with a rocket launcher.
I don't think that's how the military works.
But even so, shouldn't we invest in a long-term solution
to help people get around safely?
Yeah, I guess we could have the military bring
people to work, you know?
Have you ever been airdropped into your office?
It hurts, but it's fast.
That sounds like it will cost, like, $1 trillion.
A trillion military dollars.
Not my personal dollars.
Where do you think money for the military comes from?
The-- the war prize.
When we win the war, you get the war prize.
OK.
You know what, Troy?
Just get the train back to the office.
Oh, there are delays.
Which we cannot fix, because we are broke.
Oh!
[CHUCKLES] It's a conundrum!
All right, Troy Iwata, everybody.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]