- When was the first time that you went,
Had you been to Hawaii before Barack?
- I had never been to Hawaii.
So the first summer we started dating-
- Putting on the moves, taking you to Hawaii.
- I know, I know.
It got serious by fall,
and he wanted me to come home and meet his family.
- Yeah. - And I was like, "Great."
'Cause I was in Chicago.
Chicago is, ooh, dark, gray, cold.
I was working as an associate, so I was dog tired.
So I thought, "Ooh, a romantic getaway
with my new beau to Hawaii."
(Kelly laughs)
And so we go, but I didn't realize
that it was a family trip.
I mean, his grandparents were there,
his mom was there, his little sister.
I'm thinking- - That can be intimidating.
- Well, I'm thinking the only thing I knew about Hawaii
was "The Brady Bunch" when they-
- [Kelly] I didn't even know that.
I just... - You didn't?
I forget. Generationally...
- No, no.
I know of the, I didn't watch it as religiously,
because they were reruns by then.
I didn't know that,
but I just knew the necklace.
- Yeah. The leis. - The leis, yeah.
- The Hawaiian shirts, that was "The Brady Bunch" in Hawaii.
- [Kelly] Okay.
- And so I'm expecting,
- I love that that's what you knew.
- Tiki torches and Waikiki
and mai tais and sunset walks.
We got there, and it was a family visit.
We were in his grandparents' apartment,
which wasn't near the beach.
We were doing jigsaw puzzles.
"60 Minutes" was on,
just like at my grandparents' house.
- Yeah. - We were...
- You could've been anywhere.
- We were eating tuna fish on TV trays.
- Another one with tuna fish.
Look, it's a quick meal.
- With sweet pickles.
- Yes. - Yeah, yeah.
- The pickles's a little sweet, yeah.
- So it was a lovely visit.
But in that youthful romance I was disappointed
because I thought we were just gonna be he and I
and I tell this story
because as I tell young people looking for love,
you think you're looking for mai ties in sunset beaches.
But what you really want is a guy
that's gonna show up for his family.
- [Kelly] 100%.
- And that's what he was doing.
That's what he was showing me.
- Yeah. - On that first visit.
- You got lucky there.
So wait, y'all just, is it 30th anniversary?
Is that what,
- 30 years October 3rd. (audience cheering)
Woo, woo woo.
- What did you do to celebrate?
And look how great y'all look there.
You got your beach moment.
- We got,
There we did, we got a walk on the beach
but we recreated our honeymoon.
- [Kelly] Oh. - And our honeymoon,
I didn't wanna go anywhere crazy.
We couldn't afford it, number one.
So we rented a car, went to the West Coast,
started in San Francisco and just drove along the coast.
And stopped in really nice places.
- Ah, I love that.
- That's what we did in October.
He recreated all of that.
Now we were doing it with a motorcade and Secret Service.
- Yeah, slightly different. - It was a little different
but it was the thought that counted.
I mean, in that picture you see on the beach
there's like 12 guys in the back.
- [Kelly] That you don't see.
- Right, we're just, they're trying to hide
but it's like we see you behind the rock.
- Is that annoying?
Like, that would be hard.
I mean for all anybody in the public eye
you get photos taken everywhere.
But just to have people around all the time, that's hard.
- You get adjusted to it.
And our secrets, the Secret Service agents
they are like our family.
- [Kelly] All right.
And so,
- But I love my family, but I also like being alone.
- [Michelle] I know. I know.
- [Kelly] Yeah. - You know?
- I always tell, and I had to tell the girls this
that throughout the White House, it's like
you don't complain about this.
This is what service is.
This is part of it.
It was an honor to serve
and you deal, there's shortcomings that come with it.
- They're sacrifices. - They're sacrifices.
But I'm not gonna complain
when people are serving in the military
and they have real hardships
and their military families and families who are struggling.
I am not gonna complain about Secret Service.
- Absolutely not.
But if you just wanna like, make out a little on the beach,
I don't want someone watching me.
- Well, it's true.
They, they tend to turn away, they look way.
- If they're not, change those people out.
- That's right.
- So speaking of looking great,
y'all look so great in that.
So on your recent press tour, you said
that you didn't feel comfortable wearing natural hairstyles
while in the White House.
So what exactly do you mean by that?
- You know, a lot of people don't remember
as the first black family in the White House,
the journey there wasn't smooth.
There were people who tried to,
- I remember the news, yeah.
- Turn us into others.
- Yeah. Division.
- And so we had to overcome a lot of that.
And so much was read into gestures we would make
like a fist bump was turned
into a terrorist fist jab. - What?
- And so I was like, braids,
people aren't gonna understand braids, sadly.
Not at least at that time.
And I didn't want that to be a distraction.
There was too much to do.
There was healthcare to (cross talking)
Now, fortunately, you know, the more people
are showing what it means to be beautiful,
what hair can look like.
I'm grateful to this generation
that is owning every part of themselves.
- Absolutely.
- So.
- Now we're a bold generation and it's good.
- And we need it.
- Beause we need to create a broader definition
of who's American, who counts, what beauty is.
It only helps our kids who are,
we don't know who they're gonna become, right?
And we wanna make sure there's a space for them
whoever they choose to be.
- [Kelly] Why limit them?
Yeah. Like, I think is, it should be celebrated.
And I think you're right.
This younger generation is very much into that, yeah.
- And it shouldn't be politicized.
- Yeah.
- Most kids who are wearing tattoos and piercings,
they've got long nails,
it's not about, their value system is about individuality.
- But back in the day, like tattoos was like so bad.
- It, well, and
- And I came home with one
and my mom just kind of looked at it was like, that's new.
- Well it was the same thing.
My generation didn't, we didn't,
tattoos meant something totally different.
- [Kelly] I know. - We used to threaten our kids
that if you get a tattoo,
we're gonna get exactly the same kind
and show it on TikTok or whatever.
- Take the cool away.
- Take the cool all away.
- That's a good parenting skill.
- Just like we're gonna make it so uncool.
Barack Obama's gonna have a heart on his shoulders.
It's like...
- That's the greatest mom tip of the day.
We have another question from another rad mama viewer.
So Tracy from New York asked,
"I was raised by a single mother
and worked all through high school.
I paid for my own college.
And today I'm a successful business owner.
My daughters are living a life I could only dream of."
A lot of us relate to this Tracy.
- Yep.
"Even so, I worry about them all the time.
I worry they're not learning the tough lessons
that made me who I am.
I also worry that the world they're growing up in
is just too different from mine.
What advice can you give me?"
That's a loaded question.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I think all of us feel that way 'cause we want,
you want each, you want to do better,
your family to do better, but it's,
we all worry about that. - And I don't know about you,
it's like my life is so different
from how I grew up.
I mean, there wasn't the plan to
live in the White House, to be touring.
I mean that wasn't the,
- That wasn't on your to-do list.
- Those weren't the the people we came from.
- Right. - Yeah.
- So, but I loved my upbringing.
I loved the hard knocks.
I love the, - It made me who I am.
- Exactly.
So I definitely get that
because my kids grew up in the White House.
- [Kelly] Yeah. - They grew up with security.
- [Kelly] Yeah. So do mine.
- [Both] That is not normal.
- That's, exactly.
So I spent all eight years just trying
to take stuff away from 'em.
It's like, don't make their bed, having housekeeping.
It's like don't go in their rooms.
Yeah. They have to know how to make their beds.
But so I understand.
I think we all understand those worries.
If you have, if you've grown up
with a certain set of values you want
and your life is, is noticeably different.
Here's what I experience is that kids are watching us.
They watch what we do, not what we give them.
And we can't be so afraid of the world
that they're gonna enter into.
Because it may be different for us
but it won't be for them.
Those are our fears, once again, taking over.
I found that if you give your kids love,
if they feel seen by you,
if you don't parent from guilt,
if you give them boundaries and discipline
it doesn't matter whether they grow up
in the White House or whether they grow up
in the little bitty apartment I did on 74th and Euclid,
my girls have been watching their, me and Barack,
how we operate in the world.
How we treat other people.
They have had way more than we do.
But they know right and wrong.
They know what we care about.
And I would just say, don't worry about who you've become.
If you're doing those things for your kids,
they're gonna be okay.
They may slip,
they may do things that you need to pull 'em back on
but you gotta see who they're gonna become
and be there to advise them as they go.
- [Kelly] Yeah.
- I think that's all we can do.
- I think also like coming back to the small things.
Like I, my kids are doing laundry.
They're six and eight,
they're doing laundry and they're taking out trash for me.
- My kids did that the same thing.
They had to clean their rooms.
They had to, - Those small things.
Like to make them be accountable or like,
- They had jobs. - Yeah.
- Each of them had to have a job
didn't need a job.
- [Kelly] Yeah. - But they had to have a job.
- But that's important.
Like, I needed the jobs, like whenever I had them.
- So did I. - Yeah.
But like for them, I'm like, you want
'cause I talked to my girl, she's I swear she's going on 20,
she's eight, but like, but she's like, already wants a job.
She wants to do that.
I'm like, you do want that
because that's how you socially you like find friendships.
- That's right.
- That's like, all those things are so important
and getting your own check.
We all remember when you first got your own paycheck.
I won the lottery.
It was like a hundred dollars.
And I was like (screams)
What am I gonna do?
- Although my kids were like, what's this taxes thing?
- Well I'll tell you what.
- It was like, yeah. I forgot to tell you.
Don't add it up completely.
When they saw taxes taken out it's like, yeah, that's life.
And then we had to explain why taxes were important.
'Cause I don't want them growing up thinking
that they shouldn't pay their fair share.
Even as they,
We also even make them talk to the accountant
to work through, to learn how to,
- Money management. - manage their money.
- That's important.
- If they're calling me 'cause they've lost a credit card
which happens once or twice.
You'll get there too. - Good lord.
Yeah.
- But we try to make them handle things.
They each shared a car when they were growing up.
'Cause they had to learn how to drive.
But I made them, first of all,
I wanted them to know how to drive.
It's like you, you cannot leave the White House
and not know how to drive.
- Yeah.
- Because they were driven around by Secret Service agents.
- Yeah.
- Now they have to take care of the car.
They're still sharing it.
Oh well, Malia got a job.
She bought her car so now they teach,
- Get it, Malia.
- She bought a car.
- Yeah. That's a big move.
I remember when I bought my first car.
They have to learn how to, I said
do you know about a tuneup?
I just had this conversation with Sasha.
She's like, what's a tuneup?
And I was like, oh, oh lord.
You know?
I was like, well here, look it up.
You gotta figure out
you gotta look in the owner's manual.
There's so many things they're learning how to do but,
- I'm proud to say I can change a tire
and change your oil.
Like I, yeah.
I'm like, and thank you Matt Metters.
It was friend Matt Metters, friend from high school.
He actually taught me how to, I was like, you do what?
You drain the whole, is that a waste?
Like what?
I was like, yeah.
I was like, he actually taught me that.
But now it's weird 'cause there's electric cars.
So now things are even different now.
- But Yeah, that's true.
That's the thing. The world is changing.
So we have to parent our kids to be prepared
for the world they're gonna live in.
- [Kelly] Yeah.
- Not the world that we live in.
You know, I mean we,
- I think it's empowering. - Yeah.
- I feel empowered.
Like I've actually had to change my, ah,
I'm not gonna call this person out, but I, this dude sat
in my car in the rain while I changed the tire.
Ooh. It was not a dude I was dating.
Don't worry.
Okay. But like, it was like, but I was like
it was one of those things, it was like I wasn't mad at him.
I was just, you're pathetic.
- Yeah.
- But like, but it was empowering.
I think it's empowering to show your kids that
and how they feel safe
and secure on their own when they go out.
And they know things.
- Especially usually young girls,
young women, you want them, - Absolutely.
- I want my girls to be whole independent people.
I want them to be able to cook, clean, change a tire,
earn a living before they even think
about coupling up with somebody else.
- [Kelly] Yeah. - Because,
- Well cause that's also finding you out who you are
and what you like.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
So there's a whole chapter on on that as well.
- Yeah.
In the book. - So I need that chapter.
I can't cook.
You mentioned knitting. - Yeah.
- So you learned to knit, right?
- It was one of COVID, - [Kelly] COVID things?
- Meditative skills.
I didn't know how to knit beforehand.
Although I grew up in a house full of sewers and knitters.
My great-grandmother.
- Yeah, my sister can. - [Michelle] Yeah, yeah.
- Did you, when did you do something
maybe you were actually proud of?
You know, the minute that I,
the minute I could make something that somebody could use.
The first useful thing I knit,
it was a halter top for Sasha and she loved it.
I did it for both girls.
But there's something about doing something
with your hands and giving it to your child.
- Yeah.
- Who loved it.
She wears it all the time.
Malia does too.
They love their, so I was like (gasps)
I can make a thing.
- Yeah. It is a very, I learned to sew.
I'm not great at it, but I made my daughter a top
and she was like, I don't know, like three, two or three.
And I made this top and I was like,
I should be a designer.
This is so cute.
It was my first thing I ever made
and I thought it was so magical.
I'm so glad I took a picture,
'cause then later on I was like, mmm.
- [Michelle] Not too much. - But it's magical.
You feel empowered. - I made a baby cardigan
that I gave as a gift,
the minute I could actually give somebody a gift.
- [Kelly] Yeah.
- Oh that's the Yeah, that's the first.
- [Kelly] That is good.
- That's the first,
Well it's actually, (audience applauding)
(Michelle giggles) - I, yeah. I can't do that.
- Yeah, yeah.
So that, but the thing about knitting for me is
that it quieted that worrying mind
over COVID. - Sewing for me.
Yeah.
- I mean, when we were all just spinning
in our heads wondering, will this world fall apart?
I found again, the small act of creating something
and knit and stitch and stitch and knit.
That helped to clear the clutter
of the noise that was coming in.
And it pulled me out of depression.
And so it's a tip that I give to people.
It's like, we need to get connected with our hands.
Sometimes we rely on our heads too much.
We think we can think our way
out of sadness and think our way out of anxiety.
And sometimes we just need to do something.
Get up, take a shower
make a thing, plant a seed, bake a cake.
Those little things, we underestimate them
but it's those habits.
Learning something new,
that keeps me settled in a way that I didn't expect.
- Me neither.
I started gardening for that.
Yeah. Like, I was just like, after having two kids
I was just like, Ooh, this is a lot.
And I was like just getting my hands dirty
and using them and growing something like
it does, you feel like you're starting to be a cliche.
That cliche person gets older and you're like,
I'm making quills and I'm growing, gardening.
- But make fun of that stuff.
- But it's really healthy.
- Exactly.
And we need to get our kids off the phones more and more.
And get them working with their hands and doing real stuff.
- Agreed.
I'm like, every night this week I've been like,
no, you're not touching that iPad.
We were doing crafts all week.
I'm like, we're doing something.
- That's so good. - But it's fun.
And it meant it not only is fun to do, like for yourself
on your own 'cause it's good
for your mental clarity, I think.
It's a great therapeutic kind of thing.
But also with your kids, they start talking
about things that they normally wouldn't talk
about pretty 'cause they're doing a task
and they're just not even thinking twice about it.
So it creates a really cool bond, I think, too.