This episode is sponsored in part by Curiosity Stream.
Hey! I was just wondering,
how have you been? What was the best thing that happened to you this
year? And what are you most looking forward to over the holidays?
Keep these questions in mind because when you meet new people you should ask
them more questions about themselves – this it leads to you coming across as
more likeable. And if you're anything like me and you say sorry all of the
time, try replacing half of those sorry's with thank you and it should boost your
self-esteem. These are just a few everyday psychology tips that I've
offered on BrainCraft this year. For a lot of you they've come at the right
time, but for others that these brain tips have seemed impossible because they
experience the world differently. So, is there a way to boost your self esteem if
you can't stop apologising? How do you interact with new people if you can't
make eye contact?
For someone who has anxiety or is on the autism spectrum
when you enter that situation you're experiencing a very different world.
So I turned to my friend,
Dr. Ali Mattu. He's a clinical psychologist and creator of The
Psych Show (which you should definitely subscribe to!) to see what he thinks of my
tips and to help me through what I'm missing.
Try not to worry about what
people think particularly if you're worried you've said the wrong thing.
Others probably like you more than you realise.
People consistently underestimate how much people like them and enjoy their
company – researchers call this 'the liking gap'
That is 100% true for most people. At the same time the very
nature of social anxiety is this problem of mind reading, of thinking you know how
other people are seeing you and they're seeing you in a negative way. So for someone
who has social anxiety, asking them to try not to worry what other people are
thinking of them, it's like asking them: well have you tried not being socially
anxious?
So if you had to rate this tip out of five brains
Five being great and zero being terrible.
I would say this is in the three and a half range.
It's very kind of you to say it's in the three and a half 'range' when that's a very specific score!
I think it's fundamentally true and
especially for people on the autism spectrum, one of the things I always say is find
your tribe. Find your people. Find the people who love the things that you love,
because when we get experiences where we're able to overcome our anxiety or
we're able to find our people, we do discover this fundamental truth that
most people like us a lot better than we realise. I think how to get there for
people on anxiety and autism spectrum it needs a qualifier, with that qualifier
I've fully given this a 5 out of 5.
Tip number two... Doing something kind for
others can improve your mood. Most people want to be happier but doing something
kind doesn't seem like it's generally on people's to-do list for any given day.
So try and incorporate it!
This is absolutely true, the challenge here is
people who might have diagnosable depression. In isolation
this skill is not enough. This skill has to be used with a balance of other
skills as well – there's also stuff like self soothing activities, activating
activities, distracting activities, contributing and then other stuff.
The challenge Vanessa because I always need to have caveats because I am a
psychologist and we cannot definitively clearly say anything. The challenge here
is how to contribute can be confusing and then you add in depression, which can
make it hard to get the energy going to plan out something, that can make this a
challenge too. So that's why you need a family of stuff if you're really struggling.
For sure. How many brains out of five? I give it four.
Tip number three: when you first meet someone
you should ask them more questions about themselves.
It can lead it to you and coming across as more likeable.
This is absolutely true,
I would give this five out of five because
this is probably – yeah I like this a lot – again I've got caveats!
One of the things that's really challenging for everyone, no matter your
your background, is starting a new conversation with someone you don't know
Yeah! I struggle with that a lot. So I like to arm people with three to five types
of questions that they can ask going into a certain situation. And my secret
tip this is this is a brain craft exclusive! This is big. The thing you
always have in common with the other person is you and that other person are
at the same place at the same time. And you can always talk about that. Ask a
person about themselves, start with an open-ended question and you always have
the thing you're both there for in common.
Tip number four: if you say sorry
constantly it can make you and it the person you're apologising to feel worse.
Try replacing half of those sorrys with thank-yous and it may boost your
self-esteem.
It's really hard to change this. A big tip I have in general for
people who do something often and have struggled to change it is come to terms
with it and express that to people to say, "oh I'm sorry did that! Gosh I'm
sorry I said sorry I didn't get like I just say I'm sorry a lot this is just
one of my things!" Coming coming to terms with the weird things that you do –
because we all do weird things – I do super weird things – can be healing
and if you share that with other people it can sort of deflate the tension there.
So I'm gonna say... I'm gonna give this one a three out of
five only because it is super hard to change.
Tip number five: when you're expressing gratitude, saying thank you, use language
that praises others instead of focusing on yourself. So for example: Thank You
Ali for giving your time and expertise to this video, rather than: thanks for
making this really easy for me!
Yes yes is I love this tip I'm
giving this a five out of five! Gratitude in the form of labelled
specific praise – super important – so not thank you, but thank you for specific
reason. Now! Here it comes...
praise can be difficult to
receive if you have social anxiety. So the tricky thing about gratitude
expressing gratitude this way is knowing how to express it in a way that will
feel good to the other person. So that can be tricky but that's also
something you can have a conversation with that person.
I just wanna, you know,
not that it's a competition but calculate my score.
[4/5] I don't need to be perfect, I'm just doing my best over here.
Thank you for making these videos and for sparking this conversation and to your community
for asking these making these points and asking these tough questions. I think
this is how you and I both learn and grow and improve. Thank you!
And if you really are done talking to people, thankfully this video is sponsored by
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Thanks!