(laughter)
I tell you something about me up front.
I'm not a tough person.
(laughter)
Don't let this cashmere sweater fool you.
I'm a tender heart.
I don't get it when people act tough.
I don't understand it.
To me, when you act tough, you're just saying,
"Hey, I've been through a lot of horrible stuff in my life,
"and I survived it,
and now, I'm ready to attack anybody."
"Like a pit bull."
I want a demeanor that says,
"I've never been through anything at all...
and I'm just a pug riding a decorative pillow."
(laughter)
(applause)
"Where will I go today? Who knows?
But I shall be carried."
(laughter)
(Ron giggles)
(audience laughs)
Oh, you like that giggle?
(laughter)
Not used to a large black man
that giggles like a Asian princess?
(laughter, scattered applause)
That's just how I was made.
I don't like the cold at all, I'll tell you that.
Like, I'm so tough, I don't like winter at all.
It's too rough.
I'm a summertime boy.
I love the summer.
It's my favorite time to just relax,
smoke a little pot.
That's my summer thing.
It's also my winter thing.
(laughter)
(whooping)
And it's creeping in on fall.
But there's always someone
that tries to make you feel bad
about what you enjoy.
I call these people my parents.
We have a weird relationship.
I kind of treat them like a Wal-Mart,
which I'll explain.
It means I really don't like going to them for any reason.
I'd prefer it if they stayed out of my town.
(laughter)
But I get a strange satisfaction from stealing from them.
(applause)
Okay.
I was worried you guys were gonna narc on me.
♪ Towel's my best friend. ♪
(Ron giggles)
I live in Los Angeles now, which I love very much.
I'm getting very California'd out.
I've started meditating more.
Been working on my vision board,
writing my goals out, trying to make the...
(laughter)
Why is that funny to you?
I'm just trying to share my spiritual journey with you,
tell you about how I'm taking my hopes and dreams
out of the atmosphere,
try to write them down and make a reality.
I think that's brave.
I did find out
that most of my dreams are just to own a Tempur-Pedic mattress.
But that's a solid purchase for anyone.
And vision boards work.
I used one to find my new place.
My old place was okay, but it had a couple of quirks.
The main ones being,
if I looked outside my bedroom window
into the apartment complex next door,
at 3:00 in the afternoon,
I'd see...
a naked Hispanic child
dancing his heart out...
to today's pop hits.
Every day.
And I was disgusted.
That I could only watch him for five minutes
before I felt like a pervert.
'Cause I could've watched that cinnamon angel all day.
(laughter, applause)
It's a delight.
I'm just a soft person.
I don't handle stress well at all.
Can be just little things,
like going to the DMV,
or dealing with cops.
Or seeing identical twins
when you did not expect to see...
That's terrifying.
Why do we live with that?
We're supposed to be individual snowflakes.
But every now and then,
there's a direct copy of one of us,
and we don't stab it in the skull?
That's what you do with demons and doppelgangers.
Okay, I'm willing to admit
that's a strong stance on twins.