Hey there it's clay with modernlove.life. And in this video, we're going to be talking about why
your ex keeps saying no. Uh, every time you talk about the future, the relationship, even just,
you know, talking, meeting up something like that, what's going on here? Why did they keep doing
this? And more importantly, what can you do about all of this? So the first thing to know is that,
uh, your ex is say, is saying a lot of this because they have to see you as someone worth
breaking up with, um, we've talked about this in one of the recent videos from a day or two ago,
when your ex breaks up with you, they start to play this game, the aim, what we call the
law of consistency, that as to say, they start behaving consistently with previous
actions that they have taken. So if they went and broke up with you, they need to justify
that action through their current behavior. That is to say, they need to tell themselves a
story that you were worth breaking up with. So oftentimes they'll tell themselves a story about
why you were someone that they needed to break up with. Um, and so many times, you know,
they will twist, stretch, alter the truth in order to create this narrative that, okay.
Yeah. I had no choice, but to break up with you, you know, maybe you, maybe you
tell the white lie once and they start claiming that you are someone that can never be trusted.
You always lie. Uh, things like that. This can happen because they're trying to cling to this
idea that they made the right choice twice. That is to say, they have to create this version of
you. You may have heard me talk about in other videos that is worth breaking up with, um, and
what we want to show them is that you are not that version, but you are this other person
that is actually a real human being. That is a perfectly normal person that is
probably worth being in a relationship with, um, you know, this, this version of you,
that's this bad version of you probably never hits the thumbs up button for these videos
in this great version of you probably hits the thumbs up button all the time, because,
uh, you want to help out and support your dear friend clay here, um, with his YouTube channel
by sending a message to the YouTube algorithm. But yeah, uh, what we want to do here is we want
to make sure that we are not feeding this, this negative version and that we're actually stepping
into and, um, becoming this positive version, this version of ice that's not worth breaking up with
because the more your ex sees you as this, this, uh, this totally reasonable version of yourself,
um, they're going to, uh, weaken this, this grasp on the negative version of you.
That's worth breaking up with, they're going to say like, okay, yeah, uh,
maybe I was wrong. Maybe, maybe you're not this, like, you know, self-absorbed person that just
lies all the time. Maybe you're actually like a totally decent person. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe,
you know, deep down, they're going to know if they're stretching or twisting the truth. And so,
um, they're going to start to let go of that. As they see more of, um, a balanced version of you,
the, the, the kind of version of you that hits the thumbs up button for the YouTube algorithm on my
videos. Another reason why your ex constantly says no to you is because of pride. And many
times they feel painted into a corner. You know, again, we have this Claude consistency. So, um,
you know, they feel pride. They, they, they, they don't believe that it's okay for them to
admit a mistake that they were wrong about something that they can change their mind,
you know, many times for better or worse. We have this belief that this is a sign of
weakness that you always have to, you know, if you make a choice about something, you always
have to follow through with it, uh, and never, ever, ever change your mind to revise anything.
Obviously this is not a healthy way to view the world life, especially not relationships,
because obviously if you are going to be in a relationship with someone, you probably will
need to change your mind about something, admit that you were wrong about something,
or, uh, admit that you made a mistake about something at some point. Uh, so we want to
start to build this culture, this agreement, this understanding that it's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to not have all the answers. And so, you know, what we
want to do is we want to build golden bridges. It's, it's a technique we talk about inside of our
course called effortless connection. By the way, you can find that down in the description box
below the video, it's also over modernlove.life/EC it's modernlove.life/ec as an effortless, and to
see as in connection, that's something that they may be experiencing as well, too. That's causing
them to say no. And um, what we want to do is we want to offer them this lifeline, this golden
bridge that allows them to come back in a way that allows them to save face, avoid embarrassment. Um,
if they do need to admit that maybe they were wrong, maybe they changed their mind. Maybe they
didn't have all the answers and all that sort of stuff. And really the main reason, the main reason
why your ex is saying no to you when it comes to meeting up talking, getting back together,
any of this other stuff is because there's just too much pressure. There's too much pressure.
You know, the two of you are accustomed to seeing yourselves through a romantic lens,
As to say, you See them in a romantic lens, you see them as this,
you know, great, wonderful, attractive person. They see you through a romantic lens. They see you
as someone that used to be in a relationship with their boyfriend, their girlfriend, or ex-boyfriend
or ex-girlfriend whatever. And so, um, whenever the two of you are interacting, there's all this,
this sort of like unspoken, like romantic thing going on between the two of you. And this can be
great. A lot of times people think it's wonderful because it means, Hey, I'm not in the friend zone
again, we've talked about this many times. You don't need to worry about the friend zone,
but it can also lead to a lot of pressure. A lot of pressure that makes them say like,
Hey, why are we texting? Why aren't we talking? Why aren't we meeting up? Why,
why, why, why should we be talking? What, why do you contact me? Why should
I contact you? Are you think there's something going on between us? Is there
something going on between us? If I'm curious about you and I contact you,
does that mean that I'm sending the wrong message? How do I feel about you? I don't
know how I feel about you. Am I a bad person? If I'm contacting you, because maybe I'm sending you
a mixed message. Maybe I maybe I'm stringing you along. Am I stringing you along? If I am
stringing you along? Does that make me a bad person? What if I don't even know what I want?
And obviously if they keep asking themselves these questions, they're going to get really confused.
They're going to feel a lot of pressure and they're going to start doing what a lot of
people do when they feel a lot of pressure. And when they feel confused, which is to stand
still and not move, do absolutely nothing different from what they're doing right now.
Uh, because people do believe that, um, you know, for better or worse, uh, uh, I don't believe it's
true, but people believe that if I just stand still, if I just don't make a choice, then, um,
I will be able to keep my options open. Obviously that's not true. I think it was Tim Ferriss
and the four hour workweek opened a chapter or something. But with a, with a quote that says,
you know, many of faults step was made by standing still. And that's definitely true,
right? But we often believe that if we just stand still, we're going to be able to keep
our options open to us. And so what we want to do is, um, you know, decrease that pressure so
that they don't feel this sort of paralysis when it comes to interacting with us. And so, um, if we
can just decrease that pressure so that they don't see us through too much of a romantic lens to give
themselves permission to interact with it. So there's a couple ways you can do this. Obviously,
if you stop putting pressure on them, that's going to help, you know, the begging, the pleading,
the asking them to get back together. The, the, you know, trying to avoid the friend zone by being
like overly, like, you know, Physical,
If you know what I mean, I'd be careful with my words here. Cause if I talk about this overtly,
I, you know, we get, we get sort of sandbagged with the algorithm here. Um, because you know, it
comes across as adult content, but anyway, hit the thumbs up button. It doesn't help us out. Um, but
yeah, uh, what we want to do is we want to drop the pressure by letting them know that like, Hey,
let's just not force anything. That's not there. I know we have our own history and I know it can be
confusing, but let's just, let's just not force anything that's not there. And let's just enjoy
spending time together. And let's just be friends for the time being, is that something that we can
agree to? And that can be really super helpful. These are some reasons why your ex says no.
And these are some things that can help them to actually start saying yes, if you want to learn
more about communication with your ex or first of all hit the thumbs up button. But, um, if you
want to learn more about communication with your ex or with your partner in general, uh, please
just check out our course called effortless connection. It's over modernlove.life/EC.
Uh, you can find a link for that down in the description box below once again,
my name is clay. Please take care. Thank you very much. And I'll talk to you next time.