I came across the article the other day on the internet.
Just said fun facts about Hitler,
which I think is a great title.
(audience laughing)
I've always said there aren't enough
upbeat pieces on the Fuhrer.
(audience laughing)
Fun fact about Hitler, didn't pay income tax,
was very bad at managing his money, and I thought, man,
it's too bad there wasn't a group of people
that could have helped, you know?
(audience laughing)
Jews.
So...
You know where that joke did not hit?
Naples, Florida, okay?
(audience laughing)
Terrible people.
My least favorite city.
I'll never go back.
I bombed four straight nights.
I got into an argument with an 80-something-year-old man.
I had a breakdown on the last show.
I finally just said I gotta get out of Naples.
He goes, "Well, you're still here."
I said, "Well, I'll be out in the morning.
"You'll be in a casket soon."
(audience laughing)
And he said, "You'll have to put me there,"
and I said, "That's not how time works."
(audience laughing)
And it kept escalating back and forth.
Finally, I hear a voice in the crowd yell out,
"Grandpa, enough."
(audience laughing)
That's Naples to me.
My dad called me to check in.
He said, "How are you?"
I said, "I'm in fuckin' Naples,"
and my dad goes, "Italy?"
and I was like, "Oh, no.
(audience laughing)
"These jokes are not taking me abroad, Pops.
(audience laughing)
"I'm in Florida, the bad part."
True story.
I'm on stage there.
As the start to a bit, I go, "So, I'm a New York Jew,"
and someone in the crowd goes, "Ugh, no."
(audience laughing)
Not a yes or no question.
(audience laughing)
It's my heritage.
Also, ugh, that's our sound.
That's cultural appropriation, okay?
(audience laughing)
Not all gigs are this fun, man.
I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes.
Some nights it'll be a bad gig.
I do casinos sometimes.
They're the worst gigs ever.
You know, they pay pretty well, but they're soul-crushing.
You're just watching people stand up one by one and exit
throughout the show,
some by scooter, it's very jarring, but...
(audience laughing)
And the casino's not even mad
because they want these people pissing away their money
on the gambling floor, you know?
So, I go to apologize to management.
They're like, no, you're doing a great job.
(audience laughing)
You should bust out the abortion jokes
earlier tomorrow night 'cause those went horribly.
But I think she worries.
My mom worries a lot.
I was with her the other day on the street.
We saw a dead bird, and I said, "Ew, dead pigeon."
My mom goes, "Don't touch it."
(audience laughing)
I was like, what do you think happens
when you're not around?
(audience laughing)
You think I'm just walking around,
let me grab this shit right here, hell yeah.
Lunch meat.
(audience laughing)
I don't blame my mom for worrying, you know?
I still get in trouble.
I got assaulted in Burlington, Vermont earlier this year,
which is not where you think it's gonna happen.
A lot of open-toed sandals, everyone's high.
I thought it was safe, honestly,
but they seem like nice people.
Bernie even seems like a nice guy.
I like Bernie Sanders.
You know why?
Because he debates the way I've argued with every woman
in every relationship.
I know I don't have a chance.
I just want to get my ideas out there, you know?
(audience laughing)
So, I'm in Vermont,
and I'm out after the show.
I'm having a couple beers with some comics.
We're at a bar two blocks from the venue.
Some guy walks up to me.
I can tell something's off about him,
and he just looks at me and he goes,
"University of Vermont?"
And I said, "No."
And he goes, "Masters degree?"
And I said, "You're getting colder."
(audience laughing)
And he said, "I want to beat the shit out of all of you."
But he's only looking at me.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, and I looked him up and down, and was like,
ah, he's bluffing.
So, I turn around.
As I turn around, he grabs me by the shoulder,
takes a pint glass, and smashes it over my head,
and I thought, I poorly read that situation.
(audience laughing)
He was not bluffing.
So, he runs out.
They call the cops,
and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops
is I yell to the bar,
"You all heard him call me Jew-boy before he did it."
(audience laughing)
And they said, "I didn't hear that."
And I said, "I did."
And a Jussie Smollett tale was born.
So, they put him in the backseat.
The cops get him very quickly.
He wasn't getting far on foot.
He's in the backseat of the car.
The cops are examining to see how bad my injury is.
They're taking glass out of my hair,
and the cop asks, "Did he smash a pint glass on your head?"
and I said, "It could have been a pint glass,
"it could have been a menorah.
"It happened very quickly, okay?"
(audience laughing)
And the cop asked, "Do you see spinning?"
I said, "Like a dreidel, it's pretty rough, you know?"
Then finally I had to admit it wasn't a hate crime
and they took the guy away,
and the bar manager turned to me.
He said, "Just so you know, this never happens here."
And I was like, yeah, I figured.
That'd be pretty weird if you were like, "That was Scott,
"so, Scott does that."
(audience laughing)