"It's scary for children to see their mum going to prison,"
to be handcuffed and put in a car and taken away.
You feel like you've lost your parent and there's nobody to talk to about it.
When I wasn't able to see you I wanted to tell you that I got bullied a lot.
So that you could help me to like stand up for myself.
I used to think if something did happen to me on the way home
there's no one that is at home waiting for me.
You're a mum and you've screwed kids' lives up because you chose to.
No you didn't choose to do it.
I'm sorry that it took for me to be taken away
to be a good mum.
"She's had her first birthday with me,
first Christmas, first Mother's Day. "
That was our first picture because that's when we went to KFC when I first came.
"It's Mother's Day every day for me, with my kids with me. Yeah."
It's scary for children to see their mum going to prison.
To be handcuffed and put in a car and taken away.
I was six I think when I left my mum.
"It was all really confusing for me, obviously because "
when I was really young I didn't really know what was going on.
"Foster care homes, I think I've been to about five different ones. "
"Once I moved twice, I just gave up with making new friends, "
I just liked to be on my own a lot.
I never settled into like a home because I never felt like it was my home.
I just wanted to be with my mum a lot and my family.
Most of the nights I would cry myself to sleep.
It was hard for me.
When I found out my mum was going to jail I was about 16 years old.
"I was really shocked, I didn't really understand. "
"I get to see my mum about every three weeks,"
when we do get to see each other it is amazing.
It's the best time that I have.
Happy Mother's Day.
"Oh, I love you. "
"Oh Is I love it, it's so nice. "
This is a card for Mother's Day for you.
Thank you.
I hope you like it.
It says 'To Mum. Happy Mother's Day.
"Hope you have a good day. Lots of love, Issy and Holly'.
So nice. "
When I found out my mum was going to jail
my only option was then to go into independent living.
There was no 'do you like it or do you want to live there?'.
It was just move my stuff in and that was it.
"The difficult thing was, for everything to be on you. "
"I had to do my dishes, I had to do my washing. If my electric went it was on me. "
I was 16 and basically I was the only person that could have helped myself.
So I had to quit college because I had to get a job to afford my bills.
I felt like I'd failed myself even though it wasn't my fault.
That was probably the most difficult thing that could have happened to me
is losing my mum.
I'd lost her again even though I'd lost her in care and it was like an extra loss now.
"I wasn't being able to ring her when I wanted
or I couldn't just meet her for a coffee, like it was a complete different separation. "
The first night it was easy but it was probably a couple of weeks after that
and I was going to work and I would be coming back and it would be late.
"I used to think if something did happen to me, on the way home, "
"there's no one that is at home waiting for me.
So, that was scary for me. "
That makes me sad when you say that.
"Yeah, that was difficult. "
But at 16 you should have somebody waiting for you to come home.
That photo there was the first contact
before I came home
in five years
yeah.
"A lot's changed fast. It's all been fast, but a good fast. "
My experience from the criminal system was a lot.
My first sentence was only three months.
That was for shoplifting.
The second one was six months. That was for GBH
"and my third one, was a six month again and that was just for fighting. "
"I was a nasty, drug taking, unfit mother in a violent relationship. "
I didn't have a life from the start as a child so I didn't really know what life was about.
I didn't have that guidance.
"I went to prison for conspiracy to defraud, in total it was an eight year sentence. "
For around 20 years I was in a domestic violent relationship.
I would drink as a coping mechanism
and I would accept the abuse because I had such low self-esteem.
Issy and I's relationship has always been that Issy has parented me
for as long as I can remember;
from the age of around seven is when the severe abuse took place
and Issy would stand between me and the perpetrators.
I was the best mum I could be at the time.
But when I look back I know that that wasn't good enough.
My children weren't getting the support that they needed.
When Issy first come to see me she sobbed
and everybody in the visitors room was looking
and she held me like she never ever wanted to let me go.
And I just stroked her hair and tried to reassure her that everything would be OK.
What would have helped would have been more support for my drug addiction.
"Maybe if the police and social services
would have helped me get away from the area with my kids, "
"away from the domestic violence,
maybe then I might have had a chance of keeping my kids. "
You were a mum and you screwed kids' lives up because you chose too.
No you didn't choose to do it.
Any mother would tell you that.
My relationship with my mum; we do have our ups and downs but she's like my best friend.
It's been really nice just to spend time with her and tell her how much I'm proud of her.
"We've always been close but
from what we've both gone through, I think it's kind of made us stronger. "
When I wasn't able to see you I wanted to tell you that I got bullied a lot.
And so that you could help me to stand up for myself.
"I wanted to tell you that,
I wanted to be home earlier. "
I'm sorry the way things went.
If I could have changed it on my own I would have.
And I would have helped you and I would have been there for you.
But you're going to be fine now.
"I think being able to come out on release,
on temporary license has saved Issy and I's relationship "
"because it's given us something that we can do together
on a fortnightly basis to keep that bond, "
to keep them family ties and to grow stronger.
"When I say goodbye to my mum,
at first it was very hard for me because I sort of was like 'why do you have to go?' now "
it's sort of a happy time
because I feel like 'yes she is going but I know she's going to come back'.
Your relationship with me is the most important relationship I've got.
When you're calling me all the time some people are like 'why is she always calling you?'
"but I feel like that's just because we've had that separation, "
obviously we want to be around each other more than other mums and daughters.
"Yeah and I think because I am always conscious I wasn't the best mum, "
I'm so conscious of being that now
and I think if I could have said anything to you back then
It would have been that I'm sorry
that it took for me to be taken away
(don't cry)
to be a good mum
and that I wish I could've done that without all of this
and I can never give you that time back but I'll try my best.
I'm always really proud to be like 'that's my mum' you got through it
"but then you did better, as well as just getting through it. "
I love you. I love you.