What Kanye bought parlor.
Ohh time to delete my account.
I'm just playing.
I don't have a parlor account
and if you do, unfollow me.
Good evening and happy
Monday to you. I'm your
host Reese Waters and I'm here to
help you wind down after a long day.
So sit back and relax while we
kick things off with our take on
a couple stories from last week.
And in case you've forgotten,
try and remember I'm just a simple
man from gorgeous Prince Georges,
so you know the majority of these
jokes come from a place of love.
Except for a few of them which don't,
you can decide which ones are which.
Let's begin tonight with right Wing
talking head provocateur conspiracy
theorist Alex Jones being ordered to
pay almost a billion dollars to the
families of Sandy Hook Elementary
school shooting victims that he spent
years slandering and terrorizing.
A Connecticut jury handed down
the decision Wednesday.
They put the price of his lies
at $965 million.
965 million. And I hope those
families get every penny of it.
And that's on top of the almost 50 million
he lost in Texas court a couple months ago.
I gotta say it. I gotta say it.
Good Lord, that's a lot of money.
I will be eternally grateful to Chris
Rock for that line, that one in.
Grand opening. Grand closing, which is
what's about to happen to Alex Jones.
Little empire that he built and it
couldn't be happening to a nicer guy.
This just goes to show that our mothers
were right if you don't have anything nice.
Say, then don't say anything at all,
unless you happen to have a spare
billion dollars laying around.
And even then, you should probably
just keep your mouth shut,
turning our attention to Georgia's U.S.
Senate race,
incumbent Senator Raphael Warnock and
opposing candidate Herschel Walker.
I can't get used to saying that Matt on
a debate stage Friday night giving us
a moment that's going to live forever
and debate and meme history when
Senator Warnock questioned Walker's
claims of working in law enforcement.
One thing I have not done, I've never
pretended to be a police officer.
I am work with many police officers.
You have a prop that is not allowed,
Sir, I ask you to put that prop away.
You can't tell me that wasn't a
fourth grade classroom right there.
This man pulled the honorary badge and
said I am work with many police officers.
That sentence alone should be
an automatic disqualification,
but it's not because there's 2022.
But him pulling out an honorary badge
would be like me walking into King
Charles upcoming coronation ceremony
and Buckingham Palace when a Burger
King crown shouting I is royalty.
Put some respect on my name.
All three of y'all.
I ain't gonna say it no more.
The Internet quickly inducted
Herschel into the Meme Hall of Fame,
and Twitter did what it does best,
giving us gold.
Like this from user Charlie Huxley,
Herschel Walker repping the
Fisher-price badge like,
and this from a user named COVID 2020.
We've just confirmed the location where
Herschel Walker received his badge,
and you know it's.
If I'm given props to something called
COVID 2020 and this one from rider
Michael Harriet that made me feel seen
the oldest sibling when Mom leaves the house.
Ohh.
Walker actually doubled
down in an interview today.
Because of course he did,
saying that it's a real badge
and he's been working with law
enforcement officers for years,
probably about as long as I've ruled all
the Burger kings in Prince George's County.
And believe me, it was hard.
Heavy.
Is the head that wears the crown.
Let's turn to Pennsylvania,
where Doctor Oz is running his
campaign for the state's U.S.
Senate seat.
And boy, what a campaign it's been.
Now he's doing really well for himself,
other than the fact that, you know,
he's never lived in Pennsylvania,
buys tourist trap cheese steaks,
and doesn't know where you can
get an affordable crew to taste.
So it's no surprise that a seemingly
random woman he comforted at a community
discussion group on gun violence
turned out to be one of his paid staffers,
which isn't against the rules or anything,
and she has lost family
members to gun violence.
But still,
that's kind of the thing you
probably want to tell people if
you're trying to seem authentic,
which for a man who made a fortune
selling miracle weight loss products,
is of the utmost importance, I'm sure.
Finally, let's go to Culpepper County,
Virginia for this last story.
We're appalled.
Jurash grew a state record
103 pound butternut squash.
Good Lord, that's a lot of squash.
Thank you. Thank you again, Chris.
Really,
that that line is just so versatile.
Now, Paul has been in the giant
squash game for a minute,
and he takes his responsibilities
towards them very seriously.
He waters them, gives them fertilizer,
puts tarps to protect him from rain,
wraps them in sheets to protect
them from sunburn.
No mention if he talks to them,
but judging by the way he's carrying
this squash in the picture,
I'm guessing he does.
Because you always talk to your loved ones,
and I'm sure those sheets have
a higher thread count
than anything in my bed right now.
Just look at this.
I don't care what you're.
Hearing like this, a big dog,
a giant squash, or a drunk friend,
that's that is love and that is that is turn
that squash into something that you have to
put a weight belt on in order to pick up.
Paul actually held the world record for
the largest squash for seven whole days.
But then a friend and fellow grower from
Michigan and I used friend and quotes,
pulled up with one that's a pound and
a half heavier and took his title.
How could you take this man's title?
Look at this love. Right here.
Don't you feel like he deserves to be #1?
This guy in Michigan,
he wants to be singing to his.
I have no idea what songs are
squash will respond to.
Maybe yellow by Coldplay or maybe
that Orange crush by R.E.M.
You decide.