>> Stephen: GOOD LORD!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE YOUR HOST.
WHAT A SHOW WE HAVE.
WE HAVE NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
PLUS GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER IS GOING TO PERFORM "HOW DID WE GET
THAT GUY?" UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT, BECAUSE AFTER A LONG HARD YEAR
OF COVID, THINGS ARE FINALLY LOOKING UP, IN THAT CASES ARE
GOING DOWN.
AND THIS AFTERNOON, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT, AFTER THE
F.D.A. APPROVED THE JOHNSON & JOHNSON VACCINE, THERE WILL NOW
BE ENOUGH VACCINE AVAILABLE FOR THE ENTIRE ADULT POPULATION IN
THE UNITED STATES BY THE END OF MAY.
MAY!
YES!
I COULD KISS THAT MAN!
BY THE END OF MAY.
SOME STATES HAVE DECIDED IT'S ALL OVER.
FOR INSTANCE, JUST A FEW HOURS AGO, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT
SECEDED FROM REALITY, TWEETING, "I JUST ANNOUNCED TEXAS IS OPEN
100%.
EVERYTHING."
YOU HEAR THAT, IMMIGRANTS ON THE BORDER?
THE GOVERNOR SAID IT'S OPEN.
COME ON IN!
HE WENT ON TO TWEET, "I ALSO ENDED THE STATEWIDE MASK
MANDATE."
THAT'S RIGHT, NO MORE MASKS IN TEXAS!
SO, IF THEY SEE YOU WITH A BANDANA OVER YOUR FACE, YOU HAD
BETTER BE ROBBING A STAGECOACH!
THE ORDER INCREASED THE PERMITTED CAPACITY OF ALL
BUSINESSES TO 100%.
BUT ABBOTT LATER TWEETED, "TODAY'S ANNOUNCEMENT DOESN'T
ABANDON SAFE PRACTICES THAT TEXANS HAVE MASTERED OVER THE
PAST YEAR.
INSTEAD, IT'S A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY
IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF OTHERS."
SURE, JUST LIKE REMOVING ALL THE STOP SIGNS FROM AN INTERSECTION
IS A REMINDER THAT EACH PERSON HAS A ROLE TO PLAY IN NOT
SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER.
IT'S NOT JUST TEXAS.
YESTERDAY, MASSACHUSETTS ANNOUNCED THE REOPENING OF
RESTAURANTS, MOVIE THEATERS, AND ROLLER SKATING RINKS.
ROLLER SKATING RINKS?
ARE THEY RE-OPENING THE STATE IN 1956?
( AS OLD MAN )
COME ON BACK TO THE MALT SHOPPES, THE DRIVE-INS, AND THE
GARAGE WHERE YOU FIXED GREASED LIGHTNING.
SEE YOU ALL AT THE SOCK HOP!
BE HOME BY 10:00, OR THE RUSSKIES WIN!"
NEW YORK STATE IS NOW ALLOWING THE REOPENING OF LARGE-EVENT
VENUES AND AMUSEMENT PARKS.
SO, HAVE SOME FUN AT CONEY ISLAND, NEW YORKERS!
IF WHEN YOU STEP ON A SYRINGE, REMEMBER TO TRY TO FIND A SECOND
ONE TO STEP ON IN 28 DAYS!
BUT ALL THESE STATES MAY NEED TO SLOW THEIR ROLL, ACCORDING TO
C.D.C. DIRECTOR AND GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TELLING YOU S.A.T.
SCORES AREN'T EVERYTHING, DR. ROCHELLE WALENSKY.
YESTERDAY, DR. WALENSKY ISSUED THIS WARNING:
>> NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO■ç RELAX THE CRITICAL SAFEGUARDS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT CAN WE AT LEAST RELAX OUR SPHINCTERS?
BECAUSE MINE'S CLAMPED SHUT SO HARD, IT STARTED GRINDING!
MY DOCTOR SAYS I NEED TO GET A NIGHT GUARD!
I'M PUMPING OWMENT DIAMONDS.
THAT'S TOO FAR?
IN THE ROUGH.
IN ANOTHER BUZZ-SHACKLING INTERVIEW, DR. WALENSKY SAID
THAT SHE GETS IT.
>> TOGETHER, WE HAVE THE CAPACITY TO AVOID ANOTHER SURGE
IN OUR NATION.
I KNOW PEOPLE ARE TIRED, THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO LIFE, TO
NORMAL, BUT WE'RE NOT THERE YET.
>> Stephen: OKAY, COUNTER-POINT: HOW ABOUT NOW?
ARE WE THERE NOW?
BECAUSE OUR SCIENTISTS ARE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE PARENTS
ON A LONG ROAD TRIP.
"I KNOW YOU KIDS WANT TO GET HOME, KIDS, BUT IT'S JUST A FEW
MORE MILES, AND YOU'VE JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR.
TUCK AND ROLL, TUCK AND ROLL!"
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE THE DIRECTOR OF THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL MIGHT KNOW
A THING OR TWO ABOUT CONTROLLING DISEASES, BECAUSE WHILE THE
NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GOOD, THEY'RE ABOUT THE SAME AS THEY
WERE LAST SUMMER.
AND LAST SUMMER WAS NO PICNIC-- IN THAT I DID NOT GO ON ANY
PICNICS.
BUT NORMAL LIFE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, WAITING FOR US.
FOR INSTANCE, IN ISRAEL, ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS BECOME THE FIRST
COMPANY TO OFFER "FULLY VACCINATED" CRUISES.
HELL, YEAH!
CRUISING'S BACK, BABY!
AND THANKS TO THE NEW VACCINATION, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
JUST KICK BACK AND ENJOY DIARRHEA AND A HYPNOTIST SHOW ON
A FLOATING SHOPPING MALL THAT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.
LIKE ROYALTY.■ç VACCINATED OR NO, SHARING A
BUFFET WITH HUNDREDS OF STRANGERS IN CLOSE QUARTERS
RIGHT NOW IS PRETTY MUCH THE LEAST-APPEALING CRUISE I CAN
IMAGINE.
OKAY, I STAND CORRECTED.
SORRY.
PLENTY OF PEOPLE ARE VERY INTERESTED IN HITTING THE OPEN
SEAS BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, AROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISES ARE
SELLING OUT MORE THAN A YEAR IN ADVANCE.
THOUGH, IT COULD JUST BE PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR ANYTHING
THAT MEANS THEY WON'T BE STUCK INSIDE IN A YEAR.
"HEY, 12 MONTHS FROM NOW, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO ROLL DOWN A STEEP
HILL IN A GARBAGE CAN?" "TAKE MY MONEY!"
THAT WAS TWO DIFFERENT CHARACTERS, BY THE WAY.
NOW THAT WE KNOW THE VACCINES ARE WORKING, THEY'VE BECOME
EXTREMELY VALUABLE.
IN FACT, INTERPOL IS WARNING OF A DRAMATIC INCREASE IN ARMED
ROBBERIES OF VACCINE SHIPMENTS.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEW VIDEO GAME: "GRAND THEFT
AUTO: VIAL CITY."
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THESE VIALS ARE A CRIME TARGET.
ON THE DARK WEB, COVID-19 VACCINES ARE ALREADY SELLING FOR
$200 PER DOSE.
NOW, BEFORE YOU TRY TO SCORE SOME PURE UNCUT 'VID 'VAC ON THE
STREET, IT MIGHT BE HUSTLED BY A DIFFERENT NAME: PFIZE-BALL,
DR. FAUCI'S MASK LOOSENER, CRACK-STROZENICA, JOHNSON &
JOHNSMACK, AND RIDING THE WHITE RIBONUCLEIC ACID-BASED IMMUNO
TECHNOLOGY.
TO PROTECT THE PRECIOUS CARGO, VACCINE TRUCKS ARE NOW UNMARKED,
AND HAVE TRUCK DRIVERS WITH A PANIC BUTTON ON THE DASHABOARD
IT ATHE HEADQUARTERS OF ANY DANGER, AND IF ALL THAT FAILS
THE TRUCKER CAN ALWAYS PELT THE THIEVES WITH A GATORADE BOTTLE
FULL OF PEE.
OF COURSE, ARMED ROBBERY IS NOT THE BIGGEST THREAT TO GETTING
EVERYBODY VACCINATED.
MISINFORMATON IS.
THAT'S WHY TODAY, TWITTER LAUNCHED A FIVE-STRIKE SYSTEM TO
BAN USERS WHO SPREAD COVID-19 LIES.
FIVE STRIKES?
IS THAT A THING NOW?
PLEASE TELL ME BASEBALL ISN'T GETTING LONER.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: EVERY TIME YOU LIE ABOUT COVID ON TWITTER,
YOU GET ONE STRIKE.
ONE STRIKE, NO ACCOUNT-LEVEL ACTION.
THEY JUST REMEMBER.
TWO STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.
THREE STRIKES: 12-HOUR ACCOUNT LOCK.
FOUR STRIKES: SEVEN-DAY ACCOUNT LOCK.
AND, FINALLY, FIVE STRIKES GETS YOU A PERMANENT SUSPENSION.
SO, THEY'VE SETTLED ON THE "TIRED PARENT" PUNISHMENT
METHOD: "BILLY!
BILLIE!
YOU SPRAY-PAINTED THE CAT?!
YOU DO THAT FOUR MORE TIMES, AND YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
OKAY, KEEP SPRAYING.
THAT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND.
DADDY'S TAKING A NAP.
KEEP SPRAYING, BUDDY."
SPEAKING OF CONSEQUENCES, THERE COULD BE SOME ON THE WAY FOR NEW
YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO, SEEN HERE WITH HIS RIGHT-HAND MAN WHO
MIGHT DESTROY HIS ADMINISTRATION.
CUOMO IS FACING CALLS TO RESIGN FROM MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY
AFTER TWO WOMEN ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE
WORPLACE.
BUT IT TURNS OUT, THAT WASN'T EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE HE
WAS ALSO DOING IT OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE.
YESTERDAY, A THIRD PERSON, ANNA RUCK, ACCUSED THE GOVERNOR
OF MAKING AN UNWANTED ADVANCE AT HER IN 2019 AT A CROWDED NEW
YORK CITY WEDDING RECEPTION.
ACCORDING TO RUCH, WHILE SPEAKING WITH CUOMO AT THE
WEDDING, HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BARE LOWER BACK.
AND WHEN SHE REMOVED HIS HAND WITH HER OWN, HE PLACED HIS
HANDS ON HER CHEEKS AND REMARKED THAT SHE SEEMED "AGGRESSIVE."
OKAY, SO IF HE THINKS PROTECTING YOURSELF IS AN ACT OF
AGGRESSION, THAT DOES EXPLAIN THE SAFETY SIGNS IN CUOMO
OFFICE.
"IN CASE OF FIRE, JUST LET IT HAPPEN OR YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A
PUSHY DAME."
BUT IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, CUOMO THEN ASKED IF
HE COULD KISS HER, LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR A FRIEND STANDING NEARBY TO
HEAR, AND LOUD ENOUGH FOR THE FRIEND TO PHOTOGRAPH IT.
OKAY, SHE LOOKS CREEPED OUT, AND HE LOOKS CREEP.
IT DOESN'T HELP THAT HE'S THE COLOR OF HELLBOY.
HE LOOKS LIKE ON THE R.S.V.P.
CARD, HE SKIPPED "CHICKEN" AND "FISH," AND SELECTED "FLESH OF
THE INNOCENT."
OH, THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM THE LITERARY WORLD: DR. SEUSS
ENTERPRISES, THE COMPANY CHARGED WITH PROTECTING DR. SEUSS'
LEGACY, ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT SIX DR. SEUSS BOOKS WILL
STOP BEING PUBLISHED BECAUSE OF THEIR RACIST AND INSENSITIVE
IMAGERY.
THE BOOKS IN QUESTION ARE "AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON
MULBERRY STREET," "IF I RAN THE ZOO," "SCRAMBLED EGGS SUPER!"
"McELLIGOT'S POOL," "ON BEYOND ZEBRA!" "THE CAT'S QUIZZER," AND
"GREEN EGGS AND MATT LAUER."
( LAUGHTER )
THE DR. SEUSS CATALOG, DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISES MADE THE DECISION TO
CUT OUT CERTAIN BOOKS, SAYING IN A STATEMENT THAT, "CEASING SALES
OF THESE BOOKS IS ONLY PART OF OUR COMMITMENT TO ENSURE
DR. SEUSS ENTERPRISE'S CATALOG REPRESENTS AND SUPPORTS ALL
COMMUNITIES AND FAMILIES."
IT'S A RESPONSIBLE MOVE ON THEIR PART.
THERE HADN'T BEEN AN EARTH-SHATTERING OUTCRY, BUT
THEY RECOGNIZED THE IMPACT THAT THESE IMAGES MIGHT HAVE ON
READERS, ESPECIALLY KIDS, AND THEY'RE TRYING TO FIX IT,
BECAUSE DR. SEUSS BOOKS SHOULD BE FUN FOR ALL PEOPLE:
BLACK, WHITE, STRAIGHT, GAY, SNEETCHES-- BOTH STAR-BELLIED
AND PLAIN-- LORAXES, BARBALOOTS, ALL THE WHOS DOWN IN WHOVILLE,
AND THE STRANGE ANGRY CREATURE NAMED FOO-FOO THE SNOO.
AND IT'S ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT TO BE RESPONSIVE LIKE THIS, BECAUSE
DR. SEUSS HAS ALSO SO MANY BOOKS THAT ARE LOVELY AND TEACH VITAL
LESSONS THAT RESONATE TO THIS DAY.
"HORTON HEARS A WHO!" IS ABOUT LISTENING TO UNDERREPRESENTED
VOICES.
"THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK," TEACHES TOLERANCE.
"THE LORAX" TEACHES ENVIRONMENTAL ETHICS.
AND "HOP ON POP" WARNS AGAINST THE DANGERS OF POP-HOPPING.
THE NEXT THING THAT POPS MIGHT BE HIS AORTA!
AND I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE PULLING A SMALL NUMBER OF HIS
BOOKS.
"IF I RAN THE ZOO" SHOWS RACIST DEPICTIONS OF ASIAN CHARACTERS,
SAYING THEY'RE "FROM COUNTRIES NO ONE CAN SPELL."
SO, "CHINA," TOO DIFFICULT TO SPELL.
BUT "SOLLA SOLLEW"?
SPELLED LIKE IT SOUNDS.
THE DR. SEUSS FOLKS LISTENED TO CRITICISM, THOUGHT IT WAS
REASONABLE, AND MADE WHAT'S CALLED "A CHANGE"-- OR AS IT'S
KNOWN ON FOX NEWS, "CANCEL CULTURE."
>> DR. SEUSS ESSENTIALLY HAS BEEN CANCELED.
>> THEY WANT TO CANCEL DR. SEUSS.
>> DR. SEUSS SHOULD NOT BE CANCELED IN YOUR HOME.
>> THERE'S NO PLACE THEY WON'T GO.
THEY'RE CANCELING DR. SEUSS FROM READING PROGRAMS.
I MEAN, THESE ARE BOOKS-- I LITERALLY KNOW "THE CAT IN THE
HAT" BY HEART WITHOUT THE BOOK THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURPRISED DON JUNIOR LOVES "CAT IN THE
HAT."
I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED HE CAN READ AT A SECOND-GRADE LEVEL.
ALSO, I THINK HIS DAD CALLS HIM AND ERIC "THING ONE" AND "THING
TWO."
BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THESE CHILDREN'S BOOKS BEING
REMOVED FROM THE SHELVES, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW" HAVE JUST
THE BOOK FOR YOU: IT'S "OH, THE BOOKS YOU CAN
READ."
( CLEARS THROAT ) SO, THE BOOK NEWS YOU HEARD
TODAY JUST GOT YOUR GOOSE.
AND NOW YOU'RE DEFENSIVE OF OL' DR. SEUSS.
IF YOU FIND THAT YOUR BOOKSHELF JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT DULLER,
CONSIDER THESE KIDS' BOOKS FROM PEOPLE OF COLOR.
THERE'S LOTS OF NEW STORIES YOU MIGHT FIND QUITE GOOD.
LIKE "EEMANI'S MOON" BY JANAY BROWN WOOD.
WANT MORE SUGGESTIONS?
NO NEED TO KEEP HOPIN'.
JUST PICK UP "FIREBIRD" BY THE MISTY COPELAND.
AND THIS ONE RIGHT HERE IS THE REAL "REAL McCOY."
IT'S THOMEESHA BOOKER'S GREAT BOOK, "BROWN BOY JOY."
THERE'S A WHOLE RANGE OF BOOKS THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL MERRY,
LIKE THIS ONE, CALLED "HAIR LOVE" BY MATHEW A. CHERRY.
THERE ARE SO MANY STORIES.
A WHOLE GREAT ASSORTY!
IT'S FUN TO READ BOOKS WRITTEN AFTER THE '40s.
SO DON'T BE SO CANCELLY-CULTURE-Y-WHINEY.
READ THESE BOOKS AFTER PULLING YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR HEINIE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL deGRASSE
TYSON.
AND LATER, A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY OUR FRIEND, JON BATISTE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
I'M GOING TO CHECK-- I'M GOING TO CHECK THIS ONE OUT.
♪ ♪ ♪