- I had Thanksgiving, last Thanksgiving,
with a friend of mine, the bitch is a vegan.
I hate vegans. (audience laughs and cheers)
My friend asked me if I had any preferences.
"Do you have any preferences,
like any dietary restrictions?"
I'm like, "Bitch, do I look like
I have dietary restrictions?"
Matter of fact, if you bring the box out here,
I'll eat that shit, you know what I mean?
(upbeat music)
- Life is different.
It's different in the suburbs.
I realize that 'cause I live in a suburb now,
it's different.
Like Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving different in the suburbs.
The white people be having nice Thanksgivings
and they end on time and everything.
The hood, our Thanksgivings didn't start
until like one o'clock.
They had to give out flyers,
females free before 12, you know?
There was dudes outside our apartment talking about,
"Yo, is bitches in there?"
(audience laughs)
Thanksgiving at my house didn't start
until somebody opened up that Smirnoff.
It's going down right then and there.
I always had that aunt that was a Jehovah Witness.
No, she ain't supposed to be celebrating no damn holidays
but she showed up anyway with her crazy family
'cause somebody cook.
And she the first one.
Nobody paying her attention
'cause she did this Jehovah Witness shit all her life.
And then soon, she get drunk,
she the first one to pull that titty out.
She dancing, doing the Electric Slide with it out.
♪ You can't see it ♪
♪ Electric, boogie oogie oogie ♪
♪ Know that it's there ♪
(Tracy vocalizing)
♪ I wanna move, hey ♪
(Tracy chuckles)
First one gets drunk and want to tell the truth
and we all love it.
Hope she bring up Cousin Lonnie.
We all know he got a little
something something extra on the side.
She be the first one tell the truth.
"Bobby is not that boy's father."
And the boy's siting right there, he 44 years old.
"Bobby's not that damn boy's father, y'all know it.
Bobby's a good man, he ain't that damn boy father."
He right there crying.
"I hate y'all, y'all ain't no family.
Every Thanksgiving, y'all gotta bring my father into it.
I can't wait to go back down south, man."
- Let's face it, Thanksgiving is stressful, am I right?
'Cause you see your family, families are stressful.
Now here's the crazy thing.
When you're a little kid,
no matter how crazy your family is,
you don't realize your family is crazy,
you think they're normal 'cause that's all you know.
Like I remember when I was 10,
I was at my friend Mike's house for Thanksgiving.
In the middle of dinner I turned to him and I said,
"Hey Mike, this turkey is undercooked.
Your mother's in for a beating later, huh?"
You know. (audience laughs)
'Cause I figured they were just like us.
And then Mike spills his soda.
I'm like, "Run!"
This could get ugly.
- Not easy to eat healthy though, right?
I remember last Thanksgiving, I go over my mom and dad's
for traditional Thanksgiving dinner
and my mom orders Boston Market.
You believe that? Boston Market.
But she served it in her own china.
Right? So the guests wouldn't know.
But my brothers and sisters and I would drop subtle hints.
We'd be like, "So Mom, do we get two sides with the turkey?
Is it two or is it just the cornbread?
What's the policy?"
She was like, "Just take what you want and pass it."
I was like, "You know, can I see your manager?
Because I really don't like your attitude at all
and I've been eating here a long time, all right?
All right?
Yes I have."
I think the biggest thing at my family parties
is deciding what we're gonna do with the plastic forks.
You know what I mean?
"Are we keeping the forks?
Are we gonna keep the forks?
'Cause you can wash them.
You wash 'em and you use 'em again."
"Okay, so we're gonna throw the cups
but we're keeping the forks.
We're gonna keep them 'cause you can wash them."
And you can tell how old you are
based on how you feel about the forks.
'Cause when I was younger, I was like,
"Throw the damn forks.
Who cares? We'll get more.
On behalf of the entire kiddy table,
we say (beep) the forks.
That's how we feel about the situation, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- I've gotta deal with my own family
when I go back for Thanksgiving
'cause see, I'm vegan right now.
I know, right?
And there's nothing worse
than messing with old black people's food.
'Cause I made a mistake
introducing my grandmother to quinoa.
Yeah, she was like, "What is this devil sand
doing on my table?"
- So it comes to Thanksgiving,
we all about to dig into the food, right?
And just as we about to dig in,
my cousin kicks down the door.
"Everybody stop eating.
I've got something to say.
For as long as I can ever remember, I've been gay.
(audience laughs)
So eat on that."
(audience cheers)
That response is beautiful
because that was not the response of that day.
Everybody froze.
It was silence.
But I was cracking up 'cause I was like,
"Yo, that choreography was the shit, son."
What kinda gay Temptation are you, nigga?
(audience laughs)
"Eat on that."
Now what?
Eat on that? That's a hashtag.
I hashtagged that shit for a year.
Eat on that, and it was hilarious.
Also, he kicked the door down and it was already open.
Grandma gonna kick your ass for that.
It was beautiful, it was a beautiful moment for me.
But everybody, no one said anything for about 10 seconds.
And I don't know if you've seen anybody come out before
but 10 seconds is a very long time to hear silence.
So he looked at me, he was like, "Chris."
And so I looked back at him,
I was like, "I gotchu."
I stood up real fast and I ain't know what I was gonna say.
I ain't never come out before.
I ain't never come out with association.
I ain't did this before.
But I was confident with my standup
and I was like, "Uh,
ta-da!
(audience cheers)
He's gay."
- I hate Thanksgiving, it's not fun.
We should just end Halloween, go straight to Christmas.
They don't even have fun Thanksgiving music.
There's no like...
♪ Where did the natives go ♪
It's the one thing we all never learned
in elementary school, right?
No kid even thought to ask like,
"Teacher, where did the Native Americans go?"
'Cause what would the teacher say?
She'd be like, "Mhm."
- We're taught a lot of lies growing up, right?
About American history.
"Really, Greg? Which ones?"
All of them.
Thank you.
And one of the cheapest lies we're taught
is about Thanksgiving, right?
Ever since you're little, you've heard this.
"The pilgrims left England
to escape religionimis persecution
and to seek religious freedom in the new world."
And even when you're little, you're like, "Um, (beep)."
You're just saying that, right?
♪ 'Cause it sounds better than the truth ♪
♪ La la la la la la la la ♪
♪ It sounds better and it tastes better ♪
♪ So we'll all pretend it really happened ♪
♪ There were no women or minorities ♪
♪ Just a bunch of white guys wearing wigs ♪
- Then you know, everybody drinks too much at Thanksgiving.
You know, my dad, he's like a big beer guy, you know?
He's always like, "We gotta go to a brewery."
I'm like, "Why can't we just go to a bar?"
He's like, "It's fun, get to see how it's made."
I don't care how it's made.
Look, I like porn.
I don't need to go to a broken home.
(audience laughs)
- You ever meet someone,
you're at a Thanksgiving dinner or dinner,
somebody says something,
it's racist or it's sexist or it's homophobic.
But you don't wanna stop the dinner
and give 'em a 20 minute dissertation.
How can I say, in three seconds,
"I don't approve of what's coming outta your dumb mouth"?
So what you do is you ask how old they are.
You go, "How old are you?"
They're like, "Why? Are you the word police?"
Go, "No, no, no."
And then you sell it like a fuck, right?
You go, "No, no, I'm not the word police.
I hate people like that, say whatever you want, ugh.
I'm just saying, you say shit old people say, that's all.
But anyway, hey, could you pass the gravy?"
And they're like, "Oh, he's not even mad at me.
He just says I'm old, I hate it."
Yeah, and that's passive progressive is what I like to call.
(upbeat music)