THANKS POR BEING HERE.
WE HAVE A FUN SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET INTO IT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE NEWS.
TRUMP IS CONTINUING HIS WHIRLWIND TOUR OVERSEAS.
HE MET WITH THE POPE TODAY IN ROME.
IT WAS A GOOD MEETING BUT IT GOT AWKWARD WHEN THE POPE ASKED
TRUMP IF HE WANTED TO CONFESS AND TRUMP WAS LIKE I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT RUSSIA.
(LAUGHTER) MEANWHILE TRUMP IS FACING YET
ANOTHER PROBLEM HERE AT HOME.
HIS BELOVED GOLF COURSE IS IN DANGER.
A GIANT SINKER HOLE HAS OPENED UP IN FRONT OF TRUMP'S MAR A
LAGO RESORT IN FLORIDA.
NICE TRY, EARTH.
ALMOST GOT HIM.
(LAUGHTER) IN OTHER NEWS, A COMPANY HAS
DEVELOPED A GPS THAT WILL GUIDE YOU WITH THE VOICES OF EITHER
BILL CLINTON OR DONALD TRUMP.
NO, COMPLETELY TRUE.
THIS IS HELPFUL.
THE BILL CLINTON GPS WON'T JUST DIRECT YOU HOME T WILL EVEN
CALCULATE HOW MUCH TIME YOU'VE GOT BEFORE YOUR WIFE GETS BACK.
NOW IF YOU USE THE DONALD TRUMP GPS, DO NOT SET IT TO REPUBLICAN
PRIMARY MODE.
BECAUSE THE ONLY DIRECTIONS YOU'LL HEAR IS GO RIGHT, GO
RIGHT, GO FURTHER RIGHT, EVEN FURTHER RIGHT.
YOU ARE AT THE BORDER WALL.
AND HERE'S THE STORY WE WANT YOU TO SEE.
A NEW STUDY SAYS THAT EMOJIS CAN HELP SAVE PEOPLE'S
RELATIONSHIPS.
THE PICTURES THEY SAY MAKE IT EASIER TO AVOID
MISUNDERSTANDINGS BETWEEN COUPLES.
I MEAN THAT IS UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THE THREE PEOPLE LEFT ON
EARTH WHO STILL THINKS AN EGGPLANT IS JUST A VEGETABLE.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE EGGPLANT MEANS.
>> YEAH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT
MEANS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, YOU'RE PHILLIE.
THE WHOLE AUDIENCE IS DISGUSTING.
THE PROFESSOR BEHIND THE STUDY CLAIMS VISUAL COMMUNICATION
IS-- I AGREE, TOP HAT GOES LIPSTICK JACK-O-LANTERN.
THINK ABOUT IT.
WOW.
WE SHOULD HOLD A FUNERAL FOR THAT JOKE.
(LAUGHTER) WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
WE SHOULD-- CUZ WE THOUGHT THAT WAS HILARIOUS.
I MEAN WE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BOLDER ON THAT JOKE, COULD WE,
REG.
WE WERE-- WE WERE IN ON THAT JOKE.
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
ARE YOU HIGH?
>> NO (LAUGHTER)
>> IT'S OKAY IF YOU ARE.
>> I'M NOT.
>> YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE HIGH.
>> I'M NOT.
>> WHAT WERE YOU STAIRING AT?
WHAT?
>> I WAS LOOKING AT THE TEL PROMPTER.
>> James: YOU WERE LOOKING AT THE TEL TELLEPROMPTER.
NO WONDER THE JOKES AREN'T GETTING [BLEEP] LAUGHINGS.
YOU ARE READING THREE JOKES AHEAD.
(APPLAUSE) DO YOU WANT TO DELIVER THE JOKE
IN NO, GO ON, GO FOR IT.
GO ON, YOU'RE THE TELLEPROMPTER READER.
GO AHEAD, YOU CAN SEE IT.
HANS HANG ON, LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN GET A LAUGH WITH THIS JOKE,
READY, GONESS.
>> REALLY?
>> James: YES.
>> THE PROFESSOR BEHIND THE STUDY CLAIMS VISUAL
COMMUNICATION IS MORE UNDERSTANDABLE.
AND I THINK HE'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY, TOP HAT GHOST LIPSTICK
JACK-O-LANTERN.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: YOU BAS TARD!
YOU BAS TARD!
(LAUGHTER) NICE, WELL DONE, SIR.
FINALLY WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS STORY.
A POPUP CAFE IN SAN FRANCISCO IS OFFERING CUSTOMERS AN EXPERIENCE
WHERE THEY CAN ENJOY THEIR MEAL WITH THE COMPANY OF DOZENS OF
LIVE RATS.
I KNOW, EATING DINNER WHILE SURROUNDED BY RATTED OR AS NEW
YORKERS CALL IT, DINNER.
ALL I WILL SAY IS IF YOU ARE GOING TO GO, LIKE BEFORE YOU SIT
DOWN TO DINNER BE SURE TO GO OVER TO THE BAR AND GET YOURSELF
A SHOT, A TETANUS SHOT.
SO HERE'S THE WORST THING ABOUT IT, IT'S $50 TO GET IN.
$50, I KNOW, SO THE MOST DISGUSTING VERMIN YOU'LL SEE
ACTUALLY RUN THE ESTABLISHMENT.
(LAUGHTER) NO, NO, GO ON, YOU GOT THIS, YOU
GOT THIS.
GO ON.
>> AND GET THIS, IT'S $50 TO GET IN, SO THE MOST DISGUSTING
VERMIN YOU'LL SEE ACTUALLY RUN THE PLACE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
WELL DONE, SIR.