Translator: Huang Haisu Reviewer: Cristina Bufi-Pöcksteiner
I'm here to expand and change
how you think about, build, and live in community.
Actually, I owe this to you,
because, in my life,
community has changed and affected me in more ways than I could count.
How will we create a future that's not just an improvement,
but one that is more deeply connected and fulfilling?
The answer to that question for me is community.
Most of us carry our own meaning of the word,
but the root and suffix, 'common' 'unity', seem to sum it all up.
Common unity is something I've always thought.
I spent a lot of time looking at other cultures
with a sense of envy at traditions and rites of passage and ritual
that indicated this sense of connectedness and belonging
that I didn't see a lot of in the America that I grew up in.
Common unity shows up in my life in four ways:
through a connection of minds
when I have the opportunity for dialogue, discussion,
and permission to be curious;
connection of spirit, broadening my sense of place, self,
and meaning in the world;
connection of citizen, when I can join in a line with another
to exponentially increase my own potential for impact;
and connection of people, reminding me that I'm not alone,
and that others love and care for me.
I actually came to value community through the absence of it.
I always had this desire for deeper connection
that was a primal need for a sense of belonging and greater purpose.
Where did I fit in?
Where was I, my best self, made better by what you brought out in me?
I believe that community completes our soul.
That every person has the capacity to expose a part of me
that can exponentially increase my ability for impact.
I was adopted at birth,
and raised by two people
that gave me a phenomenal foundation of love in my life.
I was an only child, as were they,
so I had no extended family.
Life took my parents away early.
My dad died when I was 9.
My mom got terminally ill when I was 13.
I became her primary caregiver, and she passed away when I was 18.
That situation gave me a perceived license
to be angry and resentful at the world
for robbing me of experiences that I felt that I was owed.
I began to see the world through a lens of self-pity.
So I realized one day:
I'm 29 years old,
I've been sober for a year,
I'm at a friend's house, housesitting,
and after a relapse
and a rather rough time trying to get back together,
I decided I was ready to try again.
She had a pool in her back yard,
and I'm at this pool, and I'm floating on the pool,
and just asking myself,
"How do I want to be in this world?
Do I want to be in this world?"
And I knew that there was an answer other than self-pity.
And the answer came to me almost like this spiritual awakening.
I was floating on the pool,
the sun was really hot,
the water cool,
and tears were just streaming down my face.
I was asking, "What was I doing?"
On my own, I had lived in the streets,
I had gone to drinking establishments to find my friends,
and I had been in the back seat of a police car
more times than I'd care to mention.
And then, all of a sudden, I got this glimpse
that every time I had gotten to the other side of loss, grief, or loneliness,
I had done so with the support of others.
Every time I came to realize my potential to be more or become more
was when I was part of something that was bigger than me.
And then I got this sharp clarity that there was more of me
when I was connected to you,
and, in that moment, I realized that being a victim was a choice,
and not the one I wanted to make.
I saw this greater good in the world,
and I knew that I was a part of it, and even entitled to some of it.
I knew that I wasn't alone.
So, even sometimes when you are alone
and then you meet someone else that's alone,
there's this sense of instant togetherness.
You have this opportunity to transcend from 'me' to 'we'.
And this 'we' becomes a 'we' of greater caring,
and I believe it's the perfect place for community building to start.
I found my community in a lot of different places.
Some of them were as traditional as a church,
or as unorthodox as a Mafia bar,
(Laughter)
as conventional as a 12-step meeting,
or as raw as a support group for rape victims.
Every time I came together with individuals in a like situation,
I got what I needed to get to the other side.
Every time I joined in community,
my situation was normalized and almost okay.
As a parent, I have made community of the upmost importance
for our family value, for us.
Because I didn't have family, I wanted to make sure
that it was a core value where our decisions were made from.
We even expanded our definition of family
and invited in exchange students to our home.
We had one from Brazil, and one from Lebanon,
and they are brothers to my boys now, and part of our family.
At one point, we created this intergenerational program
where adults were matched with kids.
Relationships are still in place today from that.
Community can be family.
And for those of us who had a dysfunctional or unhealthy family,
creating community can be a better way to know family.
Even though some of us don't or won't, we are wired to connect
through all life species.
Researcher and author Margaret Wheatley states
that the instinct of community is not peculiar to humans.
It crosses all life forms,
from microbes to the most complex of species.
Through our biological roots,
we are wired to be more than isolated individuals.
So, how do you build a community?
Where do you start?
I want to suggest first
that you recognize that you are part of a community.
Your family, workplace, schools, past and present.
Oftentimes we are very comfortable simply being a member of a community.
But I want to suggest
that if you own a leadership role,
that it's a transformative step that's available to anyone.
Community building is hard.
Leadership is hard, and it can be unnatural.
But it's available for all of us.
There were times when I was needy that I thought I was building community,
but really I was trying to fill this hole inside of me.
That's not leadership,
and it's not community building.
Before I could build a community or recognize my own potential as a leader,
I had to be my own community.
I had to know who I was and what my passions were.
I had to not need you to complete me.
Only when I spent the time to learn what I cared about,
was I able to ask you to join me.
In my work, I'm fortunate enough to spend time with hundreds of leaders.
One thing I've noticed in their quest to make a difference
is that they all do it different.
It's like their fingerprint.
There's no one right way.
A good leader collaborates and knows how to listen.
They don't have all the answers,
but they know how to ask questions to get the answers that they need.
They know how to align their actions with stated intentions.
A good leader empowers others to find their voice
and recognizes their strengths.
So, before I leave you today,
I want you to see a path to expand your community
and make a difference in your world.
You join a community
when you find a group that aligns with who you are or want to be.
Trust is fundamental.
And then you have to have a purpose for spending your time there.
And then you have to participate.
Participation is why I believe
that community can start small ...
with that 'we'.
And it all begins with a conversation.
Create common unity
using the connections of mind, citizen, spirit ...
and people,
to build your bridge from passion to purpose.
There are so many questions and challenges in this world that need answers,
and you taking an active role to lead in your community
is the best chance we all have.
So I ask you to embrace community
and know that there is more of you when you are connected to others.
Thank you.
(Applause)