- I think every generation is defined
by its greatest invention.
You've seen this throughout history.
The generation that created the wheel, the telephone
the panini, the nuclear bomb,
all of the greatest inventions of all time.
And I was wondering the other day
what will our generation's legacy be as an invention?
I thought, well it's the t-shirt cannon.
(audience laughs)
Yes, the t-shirt cannon.
The cannon, that fires t-shirts.
(audience laughs)
This is how much we love t-shirt cannons.
People have died falling out of arenas,
reaching for t-shirts fired their way.
And yet, we still have t-shirt cannons.
I don't recall any discussion
of t-shirt cannons getting banned.
Almost as if collectively we all thought, you know what?
It's not that bad a way to die.
(audience laughs)
That's a noble death.
That is a proud, honest death.
You are guaranteed to get into heaven
if you're walkin' up there
with a balled up t-shirt in your hand saying,
"I (beep) caught it.
(audience laughs)
Step aside, I'm comin' through,
I've got my passport to paradise right here."
(audience laughs)
No one ever has more power
than when they hold a t-shirt cannon
in front of other human beings.
You can conduct people like an orchestra of humanity.
"Who wants a tee shirt?
Who wants a t-shirt?"
"I want a t-shirt, and I can't articulate why."
(audience laughs)
And incidentally, if that's how orchestras were conducted
I would probably go to a lot more classical concerts.
"I need more bassoon.
Do you want a t-shirt?"
(audience laughs)
And what do we do this for?
What do we behave this way for?
Some of the shitest t-shirts (audience laughs) imaginable.
The worst quality t-shirts that could be made
by any 11-year-old Indonesian child.
(audience chuckles)
And you're acting so aloof.
You're acting so elitist and aloof New York sitting there.
It's awful isn't it John, it's awful,
(audience chuckles)
when you see the way humanity behaves
when presented with a t-shirt cannon.
It makes one despair, does it not?
Oh, please, please.
Let's all agree, I think you know deep down
that if I had a t-shirt cannon backstage now
and I fired it into the middle of this room
there'd be a (beep) riot in here.
(audience laughs)
And there's no need to be ashamed of that.
that's a Pavlovian response.
It's something we all share.
It binds us.
I've seen this work.
For "The Daily Show," we were shooting a piece
in Union Square and I got to fire a t-shirt cannon
for the first time.
And when you hold it, it changes your personality.
(audience laughs)
And I turned it up to the top level,
without understanding what that quite meant.
And I fired it and the t-shirt went flying
straight across the road
and people just automatically, without thinking,
ran directly into traffic.
(audience chuckles)
There were three cops standing, watching this,
doing nothing, (audience laughs) except smiling
and looking jealously on saying,
"If I didn't have this badge on right now,
I'd be with them."
(audience laughs)
And again, you're sitting there in judgment,
acting like you're better.
Okay, okay, okay fine.
If you don't believe my words,
maybe you'll believe my actions.
Lynn, Lynn. (audience cheers)
Yeah, exactly.
(audience cheers) Bring it out.
Exactly.
(audience cheers)
You hypocrites.
Try and resist.
(audience cheers)
Yeah, try and resist.
See, I haven't even started yet,
and you've already disgraced yourself.
Who wants a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
Who wants a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
Look at this, look at these animals.
Look at them.
They thought they were better and they weren't.
Who wants a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what,
don't act so elitist at home,
'cause if this came through a television
you'd die for it as well.
Who wants a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
That's right, yeah, load me up.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Oh, you're above it aren't ya?
You're all above it.
Who wants a (beep) t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
Does the back want a t-shirt?
Does there want a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
Do you want a t-shirt?
(audience cheers)
You're supposed to be better than this,
but no one is.
(audience applauds)