- Hi friends.
Today, the Olympics opened
with the traditional parade of nations.
So I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate the beauty
and majesty of all these different countries coming together
in one big beautiful sea of humanity.
Ha, nah, I'm just playing.
I'm gonna roast their outfits.
Let's get to it.
Okay, what the hell Italy?
Y'all look like The whole team is sponsored by the Sbarro's.
And what is that on your outfit?
Is that a pie chart?
Okay. Y'all live at the home of Gucci and Versace.
So why do your outfits look like they were designed
by Microsoft Excel?
Ugh. All right.
Who's next?
Ooh. Look at Colombia.
Rolling up in cowboy hats and silk robes.
You trying to herd cattle or seduce 'em?
See, this is what happens
when you let your five-year-old pick
out your outfit from random shit in your dress-up bin.
Man, America's uniforms never have any style, any pizazz.
This right here is an outfit you see on a mannequin
at a J.Crew Outlet.
We look like the only country that arrive by sailboat.
Oh good. Sao Tome and Principe is here.
I was wondering who was directing traffic at this thing?
I mean, look at these folks. They are glowing.
Are we sure this isn't the team from Chernobyl.
And ah, that one's on his phone.
You know, I hope we searching Amazon for a better uniform,
but you know what?
I know what happened here.
One of them spilled Mountain Dew all over his shirt
and the rest of them were like, ah, damn,
we don't have enough time to clean this up.
I guess we better all do it.
Looking good South Korea.
Love a nation that shows up dressed like a guest
at a beach weddings, mm.
And they came with a big crew, all right?
238 athletes. Yes.
That's almost enough to form one K-pop band.
Nice look, Germany.
Y'all look like you said. Give me a vest
with all the icons from the mall directory.
For real though, I'm glad Germany looks awful.
The last thing we need is as Germans parading around
in snazzy uniforms.
You know why.
Oh, good, the guys that work at the ice cream parlor here.
Nah, I'm just kidding, Paraguay you guys look good,
but I didn't know that guessing people's weight
at a carnival was an Olympic sport.
Although these barbershop outfits make a lot of sense
when you hear their national anthem.
♪ Sweet Paraguay ♪
Look at you Brazil. Ooh girl.
Loving the camouflage look.
Whoa, wait where'd you go?
I can't see you.
Oh, that's amazing.
Ooh, great look you got there Belgium.
Oh, are these your outfits,
or did you all get jammed in an HP printer?
I'm playing.
I think it's smart to have your name all over your uniform.
That way if they get lost,
we'll know what country to mail them back to.
The next look by Bermuda is the island's signature outfit,
which was inspired by everything else being in the laundry.
Maybe this is a motivational thing.
Their coach is like first you get the gold,
then you get the pants.
Good luck to this dude though.
Right after the Olympics,
he's starring as horny school girl in a porno.
Damn, Ukraine, are those fanny packs?
Did your taste get annexed by Russia too? Let's go guys.
We only got 20 minutes to get back to the cruise ship.
For real though.
Good idea with those Fanny packs,
you can use them to store all the medals
you're not gonna win.
Damn Luxembourg. Okay, come on hologram jackets.
Yeah, y'all look like y'all just showed
up to the 2084 Olympics.
Okay?
These are the only Olympic outfits that you can't put
in a microwave.
Look at France, marching together to form their flag.
Oh.
They really showed team unity by all agreeing to take part
in such a stupid-ass idea.
And I love the lab coat look,
it's a nice way to honor all the scientists
around the world who said holding the Olympics
during a pandemic was a terrible idea.
Mm, mm, mm.
And here comes that guy from Tonga again.
Look at him thinking he can impress us
with his greased up body, his greased up abs and his pecs.
And I mean, woo, I mean it's the, all right,
that's enough roasting I got things to do.
Hello? American airlines.
Mm-hmm, do you fly to Tonga?
It's urgent.
Tonga.
Yes, I'll hold.
(upbeat music)