( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY EMPTY
GESTURE FROM THIS WHITE HOUSE.
YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT HELD A CEREMONY CELEBRATING HIS
EXECUTIVE ORDER ENDING HIS OWN BABY-SNATCHING POLICY.
BUT IT DOESN'T END ANYTHING.
THESE IMMIGRANT KIDS ARE NOT GETTING OUT OF JAIL.
IN FACT, THE PLAN IS TO KEEP FAMILIES DETAINED INDEFINITELY
TOGETHER, WHICH IS ILLEGAL BUT TRUMP WOULD LIKE THE COURTS OR
CONGRESS TO MAKE THAT NOT ILLEGAL.
( AS TRUMP ) "WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, COULD YOU
ALSO MAKE COLLUDING WITH RUSSIA NOT ILLEGAL?
( LAUGHTER ) ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
AND A SON.
AND A ME."
( LAUGHTER ) POINT IS, THIS IS GOING TO
CHANGE NOTHING.
JUST ASK IMMIGRATION EXPERT DONALD TRUMP.
>> AND BY THE WAY, TODAY, I SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER.
WE'RE GOING TO KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER, BUT THE BORDER IS
GOING TO BE JUST AS TOUGH AS IT'S BEEN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: "YEAH, WOOOO!
THE CHILDREN WILL GO TO JAIL WITH THEIR PARENTS!
WHOO!
WHY AM I CLAPPING?
( CHANTING ) WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
I HAVE BEEN LEAD INTO A POSITION OF MORAL HAZARD, AND I HAVE
FAILED THE TEST.
LOCK ME UP.
I AM A DANGER TO MYSELF AND OTHERS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHOO!
WHOO!
I'M A CAUTIONARY TALE!
I'LL NEVER EXPLAIN THIS TO MY GRANDCHILDREN!
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP'S BEEN GETTING
HORRIBLE PRESS COVERAGE.
CHECK OUT THE NEW COVER OF "TIME" MAGAZINE.
YEAH.
THAT IS HEARTBREAKING.
JIM, IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO MAKE IT HAPPIER?
( LAUGHTER ) GOT A GOOD KICK.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT SORRY, "TIME," IT'S
IMPOSSIBLE TO SHAME DONALD TRUMP.
( AS TRUMP ) "HEY, MELANIA, I'M ON COVER OF
'TIME' MAGAZINE.
ROLL IT UP AND SPANK ME WITH IT.
HUH?
I HAVE BEEN BAD.
OH, OH WAIT.
OH, WAIT -- THAT WASN'T YOU.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT WAS THE OTHER ONE?
NO, YOU CAN GO.
I FORGIVE YOU.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT ALSO WENT TO THE BORDER...
WITH CANADA.
HE WAS IN DULUTH, MINNESOTA, FOR HIS "YEP, I'M STILL PRESIDENT
RALLY."
HERE HE IS, BRAGGING ABOUT HIS ACHIEVEMENTS.
>> IN 500 DAYS, WE'VE CUT MORE REGULATIONS THAN
ANY PRESIDENT WHEN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, WHETHER IT'S FOR
YEARS, EIGHT YEARS OR IN ONE YEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN ONE CASE, 16 YEARS.
WE'VE CUT MORE REGULATIONS IN 500 DAYS THAN ANY PRESIDENT,
EVEN OUR 16-YEAR PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: I HATE TO BREAK IT TO HIM, BUT WE'VE NEVER HAD A
16-YEAR PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
>> Stephen: NEVER.
IT ONLY FEELS LIKE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OF COURSE, HE'S TALKING ABOUT F.D.R., BUT TRUMP'S NOT GOOD
WITH NAMES.
( AS TRUMP ) "OKAY, I'M GOING TO NAME ALL THE
PRESIDENTS: OLD WOODEN TEETH, SEXY FOR SLAVES, POWDERED WIG
GUY, BEARDY, NECK BEARDY, OLD HICKORY NUTS, SLAVE FREER,
FATTY, A BUNCH OF NERDS, PEANUT GUY, THE GIPPER, KENYAN MUSLIM,
ME."
( LAUGHTER ) "AND 16'S IN THERE SOMEPLACE."
THEN, HE STARTED TELLING THE CROWD HOW TOUGH HE HAS IT.
>> YOU KNOW, A LITTLE THING I WAS TALKING ABOUT TODAY, YOU
EVER NOTICE THEY ALWAYS CALL THE OTHER SIDE-- AND THEY DO THIS--
THE ELITE.
WHY ARE THEY ELITE?
I HAVE A MUCH BETTER APARTMENT THAN THEY DO.
( CHEERING ) I'M SMARTER THAN THEY ARE.
I'M RICHER THAN THEY ARE.
( CHEERING ) I BECAME PRESIDENT, AND THEY
DIDN'T.
( CHEERING ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S SOME DEEP
WEIRD.
( AS TRUMP ) "WE HATE THE ELITES, AND I'M THE
MOST ELITE OF ALL, SO WE HATE ME THE MOST."
( AS CROWD ) "WOO!
WHOO!
YEAH!
WE HATE YOU!
YEAH!
WHOO!
BUT NOT AS MUCH AS WE HATE OURSELVES!
SERIOUSLY, LOCK US UP.
NO SHARP OBJECTS.
TAKE AWAY OUR BELT AND SHOELACES.
THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) MEANWHILE, TRUMP IS ALSO
DESTROYING OUR INSTITUTIONS.
TODAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THEY WANT TO COMBINE THE
DEPARTMENTS OF EDUCATION AND LABOR.
I ASSUME THAT ALSO MEANS THAT EDUCATION SECRETARY BETSY DEVOS
AND LABOR SECRETARY ALEXANDER ACOSTA WILL BE MERGED INTO
"BEXANDERSY ACOSVOS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THEY LOOK REALLY GOOD.
AS PART OF THAT PLAN, THE ADMINISTRATION IS CONSIDERING
RELOCATING MANY SOCIAL SAFETY NET PROGRAMS INTO A NEW
MEGA-DEPARTMENT, WHICH WOULD POSSIBLY INCLUDE THE WORD
"WELFARE" IN ITS TITLE.
A "MEGA-DEPARTMENT" OF WELFARE?
THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE THIS DEPARTMENT SOUND BAD TO
CONSERVATIVES.
WHY NOT CALL IT "THE BIG SWAMP DEPARTMENT OF GAY WEDDING CAKES
FOR MEXICAN FLAG KNEELERS"?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
LATER, DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE WILL PERFORM, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I
SIT DOWN WITH DON LEMON.
WHOO!
LOCK US UP!