-Welcome to the 80th Annual Golden Globe Awards.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Mm-hmm.
[ Whistling ]
I am your host, Jarrod Carmichael.
[ Cheering and applause ] Sure.
Sure, sure, sure.
And I'll tell you why I'm here.
[ Laughter ]
I'm here because I'm Black.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah, you are.
[ Cheering ]
I'll catch everyone in the room up.
[ Laughter ]
If you settle down a little bit,
I'll tell you what's been going on.
This show, the Golden Globe Awards,
did not air last year
because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association --
which, I won't say they were a racist organization
[ Laughter ] but they didn't have a single Black member
until George Floyd died.
[ Laughter ]
So, do with that information what you will.
[ Laughter ]
I'll tell you how I got here.
Why am I here on the stage with you guys tonight?
Well, I was at home.
[ Laughter and cheering ]
I was drinking tea.
[ Laughter ]
And I got a phone call
from my man Stephen Hill.
Stephen Hill's a great producer.
He said, "Jarrod,
really, I'm honored to be making this phone call."
He said, "I'm producing the 80th Golden Globes
and it would be an honor
if you would agree to join as the host."
I was like, "Whoa!"
[ Laughter ]
You know?
Like, one minute, you're making mint tea at home.
[ Laughter ]
The next, you're invited to be the Black face
of an embattled white organization.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Life really comes at you fast, you know?
[ Laughter ]
So, I said, "Stephen, I'm torn. I'll be honest with you.
I'm a little torn because, you know, I -- [ Laughs ]
one, it's a great opportunity.
Thank you for the call.
But I'm only being asked to host this, I know,
because I'm Black."
And Stephen said, "Let me stop you right there, Jarrod."
He said, "You're being asked to host this show
because you're talented.
You're being asked to host this show because you're charming."
He said, "You're being asked to host this show
because you are one of the greatest comedians
of a generation."
[ Whistling, cheering, and applause ]
But Stephen's Black, so what does he know?
[ Laughter ] Like he's only
producing the show because he's Black.
They're not going to tell him why he's here, either.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, I said, "Stephen, this is a lot for me.
Let me call you back."
So, I did what I do when I have a moral racial dilemma.
I called the homegirl Avery,
who, for the sake of this monologue,
represents every Black person in America.
[ Laughter ]
And I said to Avery, I said, "Avery,
they asked me to host the Golden Globes."
I said, "You know, what should I do?"
And she said, "Oh, booky, I'm so proud of you.
[ Laughter ]
Now, remind me, which award show was that, again?"
[ Laughter ] And I told her what this show was
and I told her about how, last year, it didn't air
because of the no Black people thing.
[ Laughter ] And she was like,
"Well, how much are they paying you?"
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "Well, Avery,
it's not about the money, honestly.
It's about the moral question of whether I should allow --"
And she said, "Jarrod, enough, all that.
How much are they paying you?"
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "$500,000."
And she said, "Boy,
if you don't put on a good suit
and take them white people money."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And I kind of forget that like where I'm from like
we all live by a strict "Take the money" mentality.
[ Laughter ]
I bet Black informants for the FBI in the '60s,
like their families were still proud of them.
Like they were like, "You hear about Clarence new job?"
They paying him $8 an hour just to snitch on Dr. King.
[ Laughter ]
It's a good government job."
[ Laughter ]
And I called Stephen back and I said,
"I'm happy to do this."
And I was really proud of that decision.
Until...
...I got an email from my publicist,
saying that Helen,
the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association,
wanted to have a one-on-one sitdown with me.
And I said, "No, thanks."
[ Laughter ]
I know a trap when I hear a trap.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
And I thought it went away.
Then it came back like,
"Well, they're not really asking, Jarrod.
They're insisting that you take the meeting."
And I'm like, "Or what?!
They're going to fire me?"
They haven't had a Black host in 79 years.
They're going to fire the first one?
I'm unfireable.
[ Laughter ]
And it came back again, a third time.
Like, "You know, Jarrod,
Helen really just wants to educate you
on the changes that the organization has made,
in regards to diversity."
And I'll be totally honest with everyone here tonight.
I don't really need to hear that.
I took this job assuming they hadn't changed at all.
[ Laughter and applause ]
At all.
I heard they got six new Black members.
[ Clapping ] Congrats to them. Whatever.
[ Laughter ] Sure. But...
it's not why I'm here.
I'm here, truly, because, all of you,
I look out into this room and I see
a lot of talented people, like people that I admire,
people that I would like to be like
and people that I'm jealous of
and people that are actually really incredible artists.
And, regardless of whatever
the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's past may be,
this is an evening where we get to celebrate
and I think this industry deserves evenings like these
and I'm happy you all are here and I'm happy I'm here
and I hope you have some fun tonight.