First of all,
I'm so excited. Next week.
Does anybody like Hallmark?
I get to pitch my movie idea
to Hallmark.
I know. It's okay!
All the men are like, "Ahh."
You secretly watch it.
I'm glad that you clapped.
It's, like, a few—
No, okay. Is anybody who watches
Hallmark movies here?
Who knows?
(audience cheers)
So, I'm pitching to Hallmark
and it's gonna be
a crazy plot twist, you guys, it's crazy.
It's about this big time architect girl,
and she moves back to
her hometown in Montana/Canada,
and there's a farm,
and she runs into her
boyfriend from third grade.
It's crazy. It's different than all
the other Hallmark movies.
(audience laughing)
It's totally different. There's a fire,
and then her mother shows up
who she hasn't talked to
in 10 years. I'm not gonna
tell you how it ends.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay. She ends up
running the bakery, but I'm not
gonna spoil it.
There's a puppy, you guys.
It's crazy. It's crazy.
(audience laughing)
I know. But it's—
I'm all excited. I love Hallmark.
My kids and I can watch Hallmark.
That's the only thing we
can watch that's, like, clean.
I don't wanna them watching
the Disney channel.
They pick up bad habits
on the Disney channel.
They're sassing their parents.
Now, I do let them watch Gilmore girls,
so I don't know what kind of parent,
(audience laughing)
My kid was two years old.
She's like, "Golden Girls,
"Mama, Golden Girls?"
And I was like, well, there's
some good values.
I know. I don't know
what kind of parent that makes me.
I have weird standards,
but I think a lot of that—
I talk about my mom a lot
because she is a great
influence on my life.
She's like, she's a church-going
Southern woman.
I love her choir.
I wish you could hear them.
They sing so high
that only small animals
can really pick up the sounds,
but . . . and my mother
gets a solo every week and
she's not in the choir, and . . .
you know, she's always like,
♪ "How great thou art . . ." ♪
And you can hear the
voice of God going,
"Not so great, Barbara.
"Not so great.
"Maybe you should stop watching
"Dancing with the Stars
"and go to rehearsal. Okay."
No, my mother watches
Dancing with the Stars
and I know some of you watch
Dancing with the Stars.
'cause I realized that
that is a cult. Okay.
My mother told me last year,
get this, 47 million Americans voted
in the season finale of
Dancing with the Stars.
Yes, people. We just went through
an election year,
and 47 Americans
used their right to vote
on the season finale of
Dancing with the Stars, okay?
So, next time we elect a president,
we're gonna take the top two
candidates, and we're going to
make 'em dance it off, okay?
(audience applauding)
I would watch that debate.
I would totally watch that debate.
You guys are so fun.
You guys are so fun,
but before I get outta here,
I wanna pay honor to my Italian father
because he's taught me so much
about life, and I—
I had an amazing—
any Italians here?
Any Italians?
What are you in witness protection?
There's like one.
(audience laughing)
You're like, "No, we don't
"have Italians in Utah.
"Did you not get the memo? No?"
(audience laughing)
So my—if you have an
Italian Catholic father,
you're raised with
good Italian Catholic values:
guilt and intimidation.
And that is the way
to raise the kids.
Let me tell you right now,
and you got to lie to them.
You have to lie to them
'cause that's how you
have good values, and so,
fear. That's how he raised me,
and that's how I raise my kids.
I put them to bed
the same way my daddy
used to put me to bed. I say,
♪ go to sleep, go to sleep. ♪
♪ Mommy loves you. ♪
♪ Now remember, I want ♪
♪ you to have sweet dreams ♪
♪ and don't even think about ♪
♪ getting out of that bed, ♪
♪ 'cause if you do, ♪
♪ there's a big, hairy monster ♪
♪ and he lives under your bed, ♪
♪ and he's gonna come up ♪
♪ and he's gonna eat you ♪
♪ limb from limb from limb. ♪
Oh, you don't believe me?
What do you think
happened to your brother?
You don't have one. Do you?
(audience laughing)
Thank you, guys, Dry Bar.