Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'He is the most unfriendly man I ever know'
Any suggestions for films we should check out.
'Have you not heard of the legend of the monster of Piedras Blancas?'
No, but I've a feeling I'm about to.
'Kochek, you talk too much'
The Monster of Piedras Blancas is a pretty typical sea monster B movie with 2 big issues:
number 1
'It all happened too fast'
No, it really didn't.
'Our good constable doesn't seem to realise that scientific investigation is a long and tedious process'
Not as slow and tedious as this film.
'It's going to be slow'
It's not like nothing happens, there's so many murders that at the funeral of the first two victims...
'Someone's been murdered'
'We're not through here yet folks'
Come on guys, one murder at time.
'Let us repeat the lords prayer.'
'I haven't got one thing to go on except two mangled corpses and a busted up boat'
Yet there's a sluggishness to proceedings, largely because of how people react.
'I don't understand what you mean Sam'
The heroine's father is carried home unconscious after falling off a cliff and her reaction is...
'Would anyone like some coffee?'
Everyone in the audience?
'Isn't that a little unfair'
And it gets worse; the only clue is a strange scale found at the 3rd murder.
'Looks like a fish scale but it's too big'
At the site of the 4th however...
Yeah never mind that, more importantly, they find another scale!
'Why it's identical'
'I guess we've got our killer'
a sea monster just walked by, carrying a severed head, but it's the scale the closes the case?
'I don't know what to think'
Even now, no one seems that bothered.
'There's a creature loose around here someplace'
'He's not headed this way, but don't take any chances.'
Just keep an eye out, eh?
(Monster scream)
We're now 45 minutes in and the pace does, finally, pick up.
'Flattery will get you nowhere.'
The issue with the remaining 25 minutes is that it's incredibly stupid.
'They're fools'
For starters the monster has been fed for years by the man who lives in the lighthouse whose sole comment on proceedings is...
'Maybe I'm responsible, I don't know'
I do, and you are.
'You idiot, you'll be sorry for this.'
Then there are the two obligatory traits of 1950s B Movie monsters.
Yes, irrespective of the fact that it's a prehistoric reptilian sea creature, it's still got an eye for the ladies.
and of course it's bullet proof, so how will they stop it?
'But I do know our greatest advantage is our brains'
I'll be honest, my hopes aren't high.
'Listen to me a minute; we'll get a net, put it at the base of the cliff with a side of beef.'
'When he comes down to get the meat, we'll drop the net and close in on him'
Rips people's heads off and can't be hurt by bullets but we'll stop it with the deadly, deadly net.
That's using your brain.
'Well you're very flattering'
Will you at least secure the net with something strong?
'Is there any clothesline?'
'In the back.'
I know, you're thinking they can't get any dumber.
'No, hold your fire, you might hit him'
Yeah, just leave him with the monster, I'm sure he'll be...
Good call on not shooting.
'Hey, I've got a good idea'
At this point the monster seems unstoppable.
'You saw what happened this afternoon, we're no match for him yet'
Then someone realises; of course - we've been using the wrong end of the gun.
We've been firing bullets at it when we should have been hitting over the head with a rifle butt and knocking this sea creature...
...back into the sea!
This is not a satisfying ending.
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Why are so many sea monsters, aliens and giant apes horny for Human women?
Let us know in the comments below, thanks for watching.
'Okay Folks, you go on home now will you this is not a roman holiday.'