- This is really nice.
Really, really diverse crowd.
Yeah, it is young too.
You all why'd you (blows raspberry) me just now?
Yeah, there's the whites, there's the Hispanics.
You know, there's the black, the blacks.
(audience laughing)
It's always a little uncomfortable to say black,
I feel like.
Because you say black, everybody's like,
why do you say black?
(audience laughing)
All the whites.
(audience laughing)
Everybody's, here's one thing that I've been trying to do.
I've been trying to be a little more open-minded,
and I feel like it's hard to do, to be open-minded.
Like for example, I'm a straight guy.
Okay, and I know that's a weird thing to just be like,
I'm a straight guy.
Like I have a wife, she's real.
(audience laughing) And yeah,
I'm a straight guy, and I like all the breast sizes.
I like 'em, the small ones, the big ones.
I like the small ones because they're compact.
If there's a zombie apocalypse, she is ready.
You know?
She is away from the zombies, is the thing.
I'm a straight guy, is my point.
(audience laughing)
But I have a friend who is bi,
and 'cause sometimes I wanna be open-minded,
but I think to myself,
how do I know that I'm not a little bit gay?
Like how do I know?
How do I know that?
Because, so I have a friend who's bi,
and I'm not bi-curious,
but I am curious about the bi.
(audience laughing)
That is a little bit different.
I just want to check the landscape of things.
I'm a straight guy, and,
(audience laughing)
but I went to my friend,
I was like, a really masculine friend,
which is not a good choice for this question.
I was like, bro, how do you know you're not gay?
And he's like, bro, you should just know.
I'm like, yeah, but how do you know you don't like something
if you've never tried it?
He's like, bro, you're gay.
(audience laughing)
You are a hundred percent full gay.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, you're not listening to me.
Like, how do you know you don't like something
if you never tried it?
It's like oysters.
Nobody has seen the oyster for the very first time,
and was like, oh my gosh, this looks appetizing.
(audience laughing)
Let's eat this goo in the rock.
(audience laughing)
Nobody.
We only started to eat oysters
because we saw other people eat it,
and we're like, oh my gosh,
they look like they're having so much fun,
(audience laughing)
right?
Yeah, and that's why I put
my finger up my *** a couple times.
(audience laughing)
Because I'm open-minded.
(applause)
I'm open mind, open oyster, open ***.
(audience laughing)
Okay, that's gay, but.
But I did not like it, is the thing.
I did not like it,
because nobody likes a oyster for the first time.
(audience laughing)
You saw other people do it.
A little bit of horseradish, little bit of Tabasco.
And to me, that was lube.
And that's, (audience laughing)
that's why I put it up the second time.
And yeah.
And I did not like it again, though.
I did not like it again. (audience laughing)
But I want to stay open-minded.
My friend is like Jason, the third time is a charm.
I'm gonna tell you guys something.
Third time is not the charm.
It's just the same finger up the ***
the third time, so. (audience laughing)
So if you want to try something new,
try it twice, because three time is too much.
(audience laughing)
And I also have to learn this, people's,
how open-minded they are,
the tolerance of how open-minded people are,
is different from each individual.
Didn't know that.
I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana,
and that's a super quiet place.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, because there is the whites,
and then is the whites.
And they are white.
And I asked dude, super white guy,
I was like, hey man,
what is something that you did recently
that's very open-minded?
He's like, well, see an Asian comedian.
(audience laughing)
Some of you were scared to laugh at that,
real quick. (audience laughing)
But I was like, that's awesome that you said that.
'Cause first thought was always like,
oh, he's racist and bigoted.
I'm like, yeah,
but he's also a little bit less racist than yesterday.
(audience laughing)
Because if I just came,
because that was his peak open-minded.
That was like putting a zucchini up my *** the first time.
(audience laughing)
That was the peak.
Like if I was going in and being like,
you racist cracker, yeah,
he would've just been like,
I knew chinks wasn't funny.
(audience laughing)
And then I would've lost a whole whites community.
(audience laughing)
That's why I came with the positive reinforcement.
(audience laughing)
'Cause now he's gonna go back to his barn,
(audience laughing)
tell four more whites,
(audience laughing)
and they're gonna come to the show.
And that is exposure therapy.
(audience laughing)
I am doing the Lord's work.
(audience laughing) No,
I know that, exposure therapy,
'cause I do therapy.
Hey, you guys ever think about
killing yourselves, sometimes?
(audience laughing)
All right, some of you excited about it.
(audience laughing)
Some people think about it, and some others don't.
Like some people are just really working hard to survive,
and they don't even have time to be sad.
And I really respect that.
And some people are just healthy,
mentally, financially, and physically.
And if you're those people,
you should definitely think about killing yourself.
(audience laughing)
I'm just kidding.
Everybody has weak moments, is the thing.
I called the suicide hotline a couple times.
Yeah, just to figure it out.
I don't know solutions.
Just a couple weak moments.
But don't worry, it's not like I called every day.
It's not like I'm like, hello?
They're like, Jason?
(audience laughing)
It wasn't like that.
Couple weak moments.
That's not funny.
But what's hilarious to me,
is that the people at the suicide hotline,
not trained at all.
Hilarious.
(audience laughing)
One time I called, this dude was like, well,
is there an object around your room
that could be a weapon
that you could use it to hurt yourself with?
I was like, I have never thought about that before.
(audience laughing)
So when he asked that ****,
I started to look around the room,
(audience laughing)
trying to get creative.
(audience laughing)
I was like, sir, I think anything could be a weapon.
If I run fast enough, the wall could be a weapon too.
(audience laughing)
Like why would you direct my attention to weapons?
Why don't you say some nice ****?
Like, hey man,
do you got enough ice cream in the refrigerator?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, eat that ****, feel nice.
What kind of **** is this?
Hey man, do you got a knife?
Yeah, in the kitchen, I guess.
(audience laughing)
I could stab myself in the face, if you want me to.
(audience laughing)
It's so funny this one time I called, I was like,
hey man, been thinking about killing myself.
Swear to God this guy was like this,
yeah, people think about that sometimes.
(audience laughing)
When he said that, I cracked up immediately.
(audience laughing)
I was like, bro, I don't even need you anymore.
(audience laughing)
You help me out in the weirdest way possible.
(audience laughing)
What kind of standard order of operation is this?
Hey man, I'm gonna kill myself.
Yeah, me too.
(audience laughing)
Where should we go?
I almost just gave him my number.
Be like, hit me up.
(abstract synth music)