♪♪
-It sure is beautiful here, Walter.
-I told you, there's no finer place to be in winter
than the north woods, and no finer hosts
than my dear colleagues from the university days.
-Ohh!
-I hear stirring.
I guess they've woken from their nap.
-Ah, Walter, Margarite.
Forgive us for being late to the dinner hour.
We only meant to lie down for a moment.
-Word of advice --
beware when you lay on a feather bed at twilight's glow.
[ Both laugh ]
-Ah, do I hear the gentle laugh of my lover?
Yes, I apologize.
What started as a short winter's cat nap
accidentally turned into
full-fledged session of lovemaking.
-Foreplay begins with tongue flicks and finger strokes...
-Quickly accelerating to Polynesian soul kisses
and gyrating haunches.
[ Laughter ]
-I told my lover guests are waiting downstairs hearth side,
but he would none of it.
He insisted on a full 91 minutes of after play,
leaving parts raw from overuse. -Charming.
You'll never meet two people more in love
than Roger and Virginia.
They always smell like they've just made love.
-Yeah, it seems that way.
-Oh, may I pour brandy spiced with cinnamon?
-Delightful. Delightful. -Wonderful.
-Ah, then it's settled -- four brandies.
Ahhhhhhhh.
Ahh, so, Walter, Margarite, tell me -- How is your lovemaking?
-Ooh, delicious.
-[ Gasps ] Walter.
-Margarite appears confident and self-possessed,
yet she needs much gentle coaxing.
-Mmmmm. -Mmmmm.
-The first time we made love was on Saint Crispin's Day.
We'd been colleagues for three months,
and I invited her to my home in the off-campus faculty quarters,
ostensibly to discuss the lost gold of Tutankhamun.
-Of course. -Of course.
-After consuming nearly three pounds of pate
and other spreadable meats, she whispered in my ear,
her breath rich with a heady scent of goose liver
that she desired to make love.
I will tell you that though she was willing,
she made not a peep throughout our entire lovemaking session.
-Ahhhh. -Ahhhh.
-Walter, what are you telling them this for?
-Yes, Margarite was silent as the tomb of Tutankhamun himself,
yet her face contorted
in a grinning rictus of pleasure throughout.
Really, she made more expressions
than Jim Carrey in "Ace Ventura."
-I cannot believe you are telling them this.
-What? -Fear not, Margarite.
I remember the first time Virginia and I made love.
I cried out with such gusto
that a neighbor reported a gay slaying was being committed.
-Yes, the policeman received quite a surprise
when he caught us in flagrante delicto.
-And your glistening body was flagrantly delectable.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh! Oh! -Ah! Ah!
-Well, tomorrow, we shall start your weekend activities
with a trek up to Sheffield's Notch by Snowshoe.
-Oh, that sounds fun.
At least we'll all be bundled up and fully clothed, right?
[ Both laugh ]
-No.
Walter, when you're done with your brandy,
we must all move on to caipirinhas.
[ Laughter ]
-What's so funny?
-You see, when we finished university,
we took a trip down to Rio de Janeiro
to study the Yanomami tribe.
-Yes. The time was February, which, as everyone knows,
is Carnival.
As midnight approached, we found ourselves on the beach,
drinking the local specialty, the caipirinha.
-Made with a cane liquor known as cachaça.
-Drums pounded as the locals indulged
in handfuls of sumptuous pork loin roasted on wood fires.
-I tell you, Margarite, the drum beat possessed my soul
as I smeared myself with pork grease,
fashioned a crude thong out of my adult-size Hanes underwear,
and danced like my ancient tribal ancestors.
-Hmm. Let it be known that I, too,
fashioned a crude homemade thong.
-Yes. -Oh, Walter, don't tell me.
-Bingo. Homemade thong.
-As the drums continued to pound...
-Bodies commingled...
-Until I knew not where I ended and others began.
-And then, right there on the beach,
we took part in the ancient and sacred love ritual
known as "waksaniko,"
or "circle yank."
-T'would be the first of many!
-All right, you know what? That's it.
I'm leaving. -Lover, what?
-You know what? Don't "lover" me.
-But we have dinner. -No, you know what?
I don't think I'm ever gonna eat again
now that I've pictured the three of you on a beach
with tight-whities shoved up your sandy cracks.
-Lover! Wait!
I've chosen yet another feisty and tempestuous lover.
I must chase after her, for she is my ride.
-Goodbye, Walter.
-As ever. As ever. -As ever. As ever.
-He really needs to invest in his own vehicle.
-Mm. -Mm.
-Uh, Roger, Margarite's fiery temper and talk of waksaniko
has made me again yearn for my lover's touch.
-Oh, my lover is insatiable.
Come, let us make winter's love.
-Do you think your back will be okay?
-Definitely. The exercises have really been helping.
-Oh, lover. -Ow. My back.
-But, what? -My -- My back.
-But I thought you said the exercises were helping.
-Well, they're not! Now get the hell off me!
-Virginia, these cookies are delicious!
Is that anise that I taste in there?
-The licorice flavor you taste
is from a spice known as "anise."
-Yeah, that's -- that's what I said.
-Quick! I hear the car of my lover!
His Subaru has pulled up the driveway!
Everyone to your hiding areas! Be swift! Be swift!
-Hello, Virginia?
I rented "Sister Act."
-Surprise!
Happy birthday!
-Oh, what a splendid surprise!
-Happy 47th birthday, lover!
-Ohh, wonderful.
-Have I pleased you, lover?
-Ah, indeed.
Ah! Look who's here, my colleagues, teaching assistants.
Hello!
And that Asian man from the library!
Oh. Oh, I'm indeed a rich, rich man.
And dare I not forget you, Virginia,
my companion, my confidant, my lover.
-Hold soft, lover. Another surprise awaits.
-No, but I have all a man could ask for.
What do you have for me next, sweet charro wine?
-A surprise guest has been hiding in the laundry room
and waiting for the appropriate signal.
Kookaroo! Kookaroo! Ca-caw! Kookaroo!
-Oh, no! It can't be my dearest friend
from university, John Wellicks!
-Ah, happy 47th birthday, Roger.
-Ah, John and Roger were roommates at university.
-Yes.
-We started an improvisational comedy troop together.
-Yes, they called themselves "Tequila Mockingbird."
-Do you get it, everyone? Tequila Mockingbird!
-Yeah. Yeah, we get it.
-Wonderful.
-Ahh, so, John, I see you still walk with a cane.
-Yes, I still walk with cane's aid.
-And tell us, John, do you still have night frights
concerning your fall?
-Does she mean nightmares?
-Yes, even though the incident took place
over two decades hence, I'm still plague'd by night frights.
-Yeah, I think they mean nightmares.
-Please, all, gather close to hear the tale of my lady.
-Yes, gather close.
Closer. Gather.
-Gather close. -Don't be shy.
-One summer, myself, Virginia, and my former roommate Roger
were traveling by bicycle through the Irish countryside
when we stopped by the Cliffs of Shaughnessy
for a picnic of pickled eggs and sausages.
-The Cliffs of Shaughnessy is our most favorite spot
for out of doors lovemaking in all of Europe.
-Mm, ahhh!
Ahhh!
-Roger and I wasted no time eagerly spreading out
on the dewy grass to commence
the act of lovemaking immediately.
-Methinks I heard the Celtic druids
laugh with pleasure not once, but twice.
-Being sans lover, I crossed the meadow
to give Rog and Virg their privacy,
but the sight of their roiling, convulsing bodies
against the emerald hills turned my thoughts to onanism.
-Is that -- -Yeah.
-And, so, you can all imagine what came next.
I began to play with my balls.
-Self pleasure, the lost art.
-My ministrations were glorious,
such that at the height of my pleasure,
I lost my footing on the dewy grass
and plummeted 18 feet to the rocky crag below.
-At first, we mistook his cries of pain for moans of pleasure
and did not seek medical attention
until the next morning. -Yeah.
-Though my leg was forever disfigured,
that incident is the greatest achievement of my life --
The free-fall release.
-Please, all, gather at the dining hutch
where you'll find all of Roger's favorite foods --
succulent hams, spiced lamb shanks,
roast goose, and Grecian moussaka.
-Ahh! Really? Ahh!
-Each piece of food intended for my lover's tongue
has been tenderly handled over and over again
by my deft and flickering fingers.
[ Both moaning ]
-Friends. Friends, Asian man from the library, come.
Gather to watch as my lover hand feeds me.
[ Both moaning ]
-I got to get in on this.
-Please.
-You know what? I think we're just gonna take off here.
-We're good. -Happy birthday, now.
-People are leaving!
-Oh, so soon? Bye!
-Would you two like to be alone.
-No, nonsense. The party's just beginning.
-We are going to make birthday love.
It would mean so much if you'd watch.
-I would be honored.
-To the hot tub, then.
-As long as it's not too high up.
[ Laughter ]
-Come, lover.
Carry me possum-like into the night.
-Ow, my back. -What?
-You know I have a bad back. -But I thought --
-Well, you thought wrong! Get the hell off me!
-Well, he said the room will be ready in about 15 minutes.
-Great. That was a long drive, huh?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Wow.
-Ooh.
Hello. Um, excuse me.
I was wondering --
Is there room for two more lovers at hearth's edge?
-Uh...I'm sorry?
-May we join you at hearth's edge?
-Oh, yeah, sure. I'm sorry.
Yeah, we're just waiting for our room.
-Fine. Ohh. Forgive me.
My name is Professor Roger Clarven,
and this is my wife, Professor Virginia Clarven.
-Hello. -I'm Mike. This is Julie.
-Hello. -Hello.
-Ahh. Nothing caps off a day of skiing better than warm fire,
a cup of mulled wine,
and the heat projected from my lover's loin space.
-Nature hath no hotter furnace, eh, lover?
-So, uh, the skiing was good?
-Oh, exquisite.
Tell me -- Have you inned at Bear Claw Lodge before?
-Uh...no.
No, we haven't. This is our first time.
-Oh. My lover and I frequent Bear Claw Lodge
during cold months.
We find the four-poster beds, downy pillows,
and wide availability of adult cable channels
absolutely perfect for winter lovemaking.
-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, and you mustn't miss the highlight of Bear Claw Lodge.
The proprietor, William Mark Jasper's
midnight roast goose fondues.
-Ahh, yes.
-We read that in the brochure. -Yeah, we did.
-Roger! Virginia!
-William Mark! Ohh!
-Are you telling my new guests about the midnight feast?
-[ Laughs ] Indeed!
-Oh, it's quite special.
On Saturday, midnight, we all gather here at hearth space
and wait eagerly to dip hunks of goose meat
into sputtering pots of hot oil.
With bellies engorged, guests trundle up
to their respective rooms,
the goose fat shining off their faces,
serving to lubricate hot lovers' kisses.
-When I see the savory juices run down my lover's chin...
-Ahh. -...and through his pasture
of chest hair... -Ahh.
-...my tongue anticipates the delicious mixture
of chest hair... -Ahh.
-...chin sweat... -Ahh.
-...and goose juice. -Ahh.
-Um, do you think our room is ready?
-Any minute now.
You'll be staying in the Red Maple Room.
[ Both laugh ]
-The Red Maple Room! -The Red Maple Room!
-What's so funny?
-We are in the White Birch Suite.
[ Laughter ]
-I-I don't get it.
-You have the only two adjoining rooms in the inn.
-Yeah. Luckily, you shan't need for a wake-up call
for Virginia and I always engage in morning lovemaking,
and I climax very loudly at exactly 7:00 a.m. each morning.
-Oh, wow. [ Chuckles ]
Are there other inns in the area?
[ Laughter ]
-No. -No. -No.
-You know, I met Roger and Virginia
on the slopes 20 years ago.
-Oh, is that our room key?
-I was playing the banjo in one of the local taverns,
and I must confess I was slightly tipsy,
for I'd had more than my share of Cointreau.
-Ahh, sweet Cointreau.
-A young woman approached me dressed in an elven cloak,
speaking in a British accent.
-I was into role playing at the time.
-She asked me if I would play banjo for her in privacy.
We came back to her room at this very inn,
and the flickerings of my fingers soon wandered
from the curves of the banjo
to the curves of Virginia's nubile body.
-His fingering was expert.
-All the while, I sat in a broke down Subaru
dressed in a wizard's costume,
waiting for a tow truck to bring a new fan belt.
-When Roger finally arrived in his wizard's costume,
he joined in with such gusto
that the Red Maple Room never smelled quite the same.
-You know what? I think we're gonna go.
-Yeah. I saw a HoJo's back about two --
-Nonsense! -No! No! No!
-The weary lovers deserve to dip in our hot, soothing hot tub.
-Oh, okay.
-Yeah, a hot tub does sound nice.
-Yeah, that sound great.
-We just climbed out of it ourselves.
-Sorry about all the hair.
Come here, lover.
Let me make love to you at hearth's edge.
-Oh, you're a most adventurous lover, Roger.
-Mm, yes.
Uh...I'm on fire.
I'm on fire! -Oh, lover, so am I.
-No, I'm actually on fire! Are you stupid?!
Get the hell off me! I'm on fire!