Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I would discuss ways to help manage whenever
someone is gaslighting you. Now gaslighting, that is a colloquial term that refers to an intentional
attempt to manipulate others. Manipulate them into doubting their perception of events, to question
their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. To confuse their reality. And it often involves
much more than just lying, but sowing seeds of doubt into a person's mind or a group of
people s minds in order to control them. So if you find this video interesting, please consider
subscribing to my channel. Just to remind you though this video is not a substitute for support
from a mental health professional. Now when people gaslight others it can be for different
reasons. It can be to blame shift. It could be to minimise one aspect of something or to exaggerate
another aspect of something. It could be just to get others to go along with whatever they
want. And some gaslighters can be quite clumsy and inept. All they do is tell outrageous lies,
but people tend to see through them. They tend to make fools of themselves. Some however are expert
manipulators. They can take anything that someone says or does or doesn't say or do, and they can
twist it to their own advantage. They can focus on other people's reactions as evidence of their
villainy or insanity. They can shame others into giving them what they want. Some can even try to
manipulate, control language so that others can't use that language in order to defend themselves.
They can find a myriad of covert ways to brainwash their victims. So I would like to remind you of a
quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And I say that
because there are some people who will just never back down. There are some people who are just far
too disagreeable. They won't accept they may be wrong or in error and few ever admit that they ve
lied. Some will go to any lengths to get what they want from you. None of this makes them superior.
None of this makes them more intelligent. So this video was not about winning. It's not about
getting someone to acknowledge the truth. Even if it can be incredibly frustrating this is not
about managing them. These are just some ideas to help you to manage yourself. And the first
thing I ll invite you to think about is to be sure whether or not it is gaslighting that is going on.
For instance we might meet people who really do believe something very sincerely,
even though they could be sincerely wrong, but they're not necessarily trying to gaslight anyone.
In some cases, they may even be just gaslighting themselves. But being exposed to psychological
and emotional manipulation over a long period of time can have an affect on anyone. Can lead people
to question themselves, doubt themselves, doubt their decisions. They may worry maybe they are
just being a bit too sensitive. Maybe apologizing for themselves a little too often and avoiding
difficult situations, difficult conversations out of fear they won't be believed or they will be
blamed. And if someone has been exposed to long term gaslighting, if they hear certain phrases
their abuser would have usede such as, What are you talking about? Are you sure you're not blowing
things out of proportion? They may assume that that person is gaslighting them as well. But the
thing is, that person may used those phrases genuinely. They might really not understand,
or maybe just have a different perspective or even just disagree. So the thing is learning to discern
the difference. That's not necessarily easy, but one of the ways of recognising the difference
could be certain phrases and behaviours are not just the once. It is an ongoing pattern that
includes trivialising and discrediting thoughts, feelings, experiences. There could be a lot of
questioning, but not to gain understanding or for clarity but to sow seeds of doubt. Examples could
be constantly changing the subject every time you bring up something concerning. Interrogation of
events, versions of events, but picking up on innocuous details and focusing on them. There
could be insulting, but claiming it was just a joke and that continues even after you've told
them that wasn't funny. There could be denial that something happened, or claiming not to
remember certain things. Twisting things to be other people's fault. These behaviours could
be an ongoing way of them absolving themselves of any responsibility or to try to get you to do what
they want you to do. So pay attention to repeated behaviours and patterns to discern whether or not
you're being manipulated. Next, yes it's okay to be open to different perspectives, different
ideas, but sometimes that openness is what manipulative people often use to try and exploit
others. So even if you are open to a different perspective on something try to stay confident
about your version of events. You remember something clearly, then stick to that version
and try not to get drawn into having to explain yourself to someone. Someone's gaslighting, the
chances are they already know what you're talking about. So just keep repeating the same thing.
Repeat it calmly and confidently, no matter what their question, their challenge, their confusion
or their denial. And the temptation could be to try to rephrase it to see if they will get it this
time. But a skilled gaslighter will use that to try and create further confusion, That's not what
you said a moment ago. Even if you have proof that your version is the correct one and you present it
to them, some manipulative people just won't back down on that and frustrate the Hell out of anyone.
So try not to get into an argument, because if you don't argue, you have more control and
there's less likely that you could be manipulated. When you keep a calm matter of fact tone of voice
there's less chance of other irrelevant past events or comments being brought up to try to
confuse the issue. Just stick to the current topic and your version of it. If you find things are
getting heated, find yourself maybe becoming more frustrated, angry, embarrassed, or experiencing a
lot of strong emotions, if you can maybe just leave the room give yourself a bit of space.
Trying to calm yourself can help you focus on the truth, not their lies. And if you're calm it's
less likely you'll explode in anger or you might just give in for a quiet life. Do what you can to
remain or regain a sense of calmness can help you manage your responses and sound more confident.
Next and this would probably work best at maybe a work setting where there is an abusive work
colleague or if you have an abusive ex, but some people find it helpful to keep all communications
in written form. For example through e-mail or by text. Because this is a way of keeping
track of past conversations, agreements. If they ever deny anything or go back on their word or
make accusations, there is a written record. Some people find it helpful to keep a diary or journal,
writing down interactions, dates, times, whatever it was was said. It's a way people can remind
themselves of what actually happened. It can also be helpful to identify patterns and behaviours,
such as repeated denials of things said or not said. Or the minimizing of feelings or thoughts
or even exaggerations of your reactions. Next, and I can't emphasise this enough. This is only
if you feel safe enough because sometimes there is no way of knowing how an abusive person might
react. But if you feel safe enough then just call it out. Because gaslighting only really
works when it confuses, devalues and erodes confidence. Calmly and assertively calling
out things like misdirection, criticism, insults, jokes with jags, elusiveness. It shows people that
you know exactly what they're doing and you won't accept it. Now if they claim you're just being too
sensitive it was only a joke or they were only trying to help why not just ask them to explain
themselves. Explain the joke. What was the funny part? How do you think that was going to help?
Many manipulative people will gaslight in front of others, relying on someone's good nature,
not necessarily wanting to create trouble or relying that they will be too embarrassed to
answer back. But the harder you make it for them by calling them out on that behaviour
when it's in front of others, the less they might try because the focus is on them, not on you. And
that's not necessarily to say that things won t get worse, they won't try even more crazy schemes,
but the more assertive you are with them, sooner or later they might just realise they re getting
nowhere and move on. And lastly, don't worry too much about winning or trying to outsmart someone.
People who gaslight usually have no intention of being convinced. Don't forget there are people who
deny or minimise video evidence, audio recordings, even scientific evidence or eyewitness accounts.
They can deflect anything, twist anything. They may even use your own valid points against you
or even just use them to gaslight others. So it's not about trying to win, it's about letting them
know that they can't win. Because you know what? No one gets to tell you how you should feel about
something. No one gets to tell you what you think or what your motives are. You are the expert on
you. You have every right to challenge things you disagree with or explore topics you don't
understand. And if you set boundaries with someone who's been gaslighting or trying to manipulate
you, you maybe need to be prepared to reinforce those boundaries if they continue. Now I have made
videos on managing boundaries if you want to check those out if you think they would be helpful.
So there are just some ideas to help you manage your sense of reality if people are gaslighting
you. Now if there are any strategies that you find helpful and you feel comfortable
enough please feel free to share them in the comment box below because someone reading them
might just benefit from your wisdom and your experience. But if you find this video helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.