WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS ABOUT
COVID 19.
IT'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD SAY.
UNFORTUNATELY -- ON THE LITTLE PROMPTER IT SAYS COVID 19 CASES
NEARLY TRIPLED IN THE U.S. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
COME ON, AMERICA!
FOR PETE'S SAKE!
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES BEFORE
THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DIFFERENT?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS SURGE IS ESPECIALLY HARD ON
DOCTORS.
ONE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR DESCRIBED HIS STAFF THIS WAY:
THEY ARE TIRED.
THEY ARE THINKING, HIS IS DEÉJÀA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.
THAT, OF COURSE, IS A QUOTE BY BASEBALL GREAT,YOGI BERRA.
REMINDS ME OF ONE OF HIS OTHER FAMOUS SAYING:
THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND NEITHER ARE THE
UNVACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD DOCTOR, ESPECIALLY AN
ANESTHESIOLOGIST IN THE WILLIAMSBURG AREA OF VIRGINIA,
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN DR. RON -- >> ROD.
>> Stephen: -- ROD -- FERNANDEZ.
>> Stephen: -- FERNANDEZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE.
IN WILLIAMSBURG, HE WILL ANESTHETIZE YOU WITH A BUTTER
CHURN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BACK TO OUR MONOLOGUE ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) MOST OF THIS INCREASE WAS CAUSED
BY THE DELTA VARIANT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FLAVOR OF COVID OUT
THERE.
AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING: MORE VARIANTS ARE COMING.
OH, NO.
THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, NEW VARIANTS
POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL ONE OF THE STRAINS RELEASES ITS
OWN LINE OF VODKA.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THESE NEW VARIANTS ARE
ALREADY MAKING A SPLASH.
ILLINOIS IS REPORTING SIX TIMES MORE GAMMA VARIANT CASES THAN
DELTA.
GAMMA IS A VARIANT FIRST IDENTIFIED IN BRAZIL --
WHICH MAKES IT EASY TO DETECT.
HERE'S NORMAL COVID.
AND HERE'S THE BRAZILIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY
ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF YOU'RE VACCINATED.
THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES THAT THE VACCINES ARE UP TO THE
CHALLENGE OF EVOLVING VARIANTS.
HEAR THAT, PANDEMIC?
WE CAN TAKE WHATEVER NEW STUFF YOU THROW AT US!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY NEW FLAVORS OF OREOS WE'VE
ENDURED?
( LAUGHTER ) CANDY CORN, PINA COLADA, PEEPS,
WASABI!
IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU CAN EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE OF ANY OF
THOSE AND PROBABLY NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER
THAN COVID VARIANTS, IS COVID MISINFORMATION.
ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
IN RESPONSE, FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HUNTING DOWN AND REMOVING GROUPS
THAT PRESENT MISLEADING OR SENSATIONALIZED INFORMATION
ABOUT VACCINES.
IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT THE VACCINE, MARK ZUCKERBERG WILL
HUNT YOU DOWN.
BY LAND OR BY SEA.
FACEBOOK FINDS THE GROUPS USING KEYWORDS, BUT THEY'RE HAVING
TROUBLE BECAUSE SOME ANTI-VAX GROUPS ARE CHANGING THEIR NAMES
TO EUPHEMISMS LIKE DANCE PARTY IN ORDER TO SKIRT BANS FROM
FACEBOOK.
SO GET READY FOR NEW DANCE CRAZES LIKE "ACTUAL SATURDAY
NIGHT FEVER," "THE HARLEM ACHE," AND "THE FLOSS, OF TASTE &
SMELL."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T JUST AVOID DETECTION
WITH THE NAMES OF THE GROUPS, THEY ALSO USE CODE IN THEIR
POST.
FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF GOT THE VACCINE, THEY SAY DRANK
BEER, DANCED OR DRANK BEER.
REFERENCES TO PFIZER GENERALLY USE THE TERMS PIZZA, MODERNA IS
REFERRED TO AS MOANA.
DANCING, BEER, PIZZA, MOANA.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK IS
KILLING EVERYBODY, MAYBE DON'T USE CODE WORDS THAT YOU THINK
EVERYBODY UNIVERSALLY LOVES.
MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY MY SISTER DANCED WITH A LAUNDRY
BASKET FULL OF PUPPIES AND NOW, I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVEN ME ROCK
HARD ABS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW SHE'S PRESSURING THE
WHOLE FAMILY TO DRINK A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE WITH JASON
SUDEIKIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN ONE POST, A WOMAN EXPLAINED HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME SICK
AFTER GOING ON A CROSS COUNTRY TRIP WHERE WE SPENT 2 NIGHTS
WITH DANCERS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THIS CASE, DANCERS IS CODE
FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE.
BUT NOW HER HUSBAND HAS THE PERFECT ALIBI FOR GOING TO STRIP
CLUBS.
(AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH
TWO DANCERS AND NOW I HAVE CHLAMYDIA."
FAUCI!
DAMN YOU, FAUCI!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE PANDEMIC HAS AGGRAVATED OUR
PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF OBSCENELY RICH PEOPLE.
ACCORDING TO BLOOMBERG SUPERYACHT, CHARTERS ARE UP OVER
340%.
THIS IS DISGUSTING.
IN A TIME OF DIRE NEED, THE ULTRA-RICH SHOULDN'T BE BLOWING
THEIR MONEY ON BOATS.
THAT'S MONEY THAT COULD BE USED TO LAUNCH GIANT PENISES INTO
SPACE.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT JUST CHARTERS.
YACHT SALES ARE ALSO BOOMING.
SOME BILLIONAIRES ARE BUILDING SUCH BIG YACHTS, THEY CAN COST
OVER $500 MILLION, AND ARE IN AN ELITE NEW VESSEL CATEGORY: THE
GIGAYACHT.
COMPARED TO A MEGAYACHT, A GIGA YACHT CAN HOLD A THOUSAND TIMES
MORE DOUCHEBAGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEGA TO GIGA, TERA.
THESE YACHTS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT AND A LOT YOU DON'T.
ONE YACHT HAD A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM.
I'M GOING TO SAY...
IF YOU HAVE A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM, I'M GUESSING EVERY ROOM IS
A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THE BOATS
THEMSELVES.
DURING THEIR TIME AT SEA, THE WEALTHY FIND WAYS TO WASTE THEIR
MONEY ON OTHER VEHICLES.
FOR EXAMPLE, MANY YACHTS WILL HAVE A CHOPPER, COME TO
REPLENISH THE CAVIAR SUPPLY HALFWAY THROUGH A TRIP.
THAT MUST BE TRAUMATIC FOR THE FISH WATCHING FROM THE OCEAN.
( LAUGHTER ) "LOOK HONEY, THE KIDS ARE HERE
TO VISIT!
WHAT?
NO!
TOAST POINTS?!
( LAUGHTER ) THESE YACHTS ALSO KEEP
THEMSELVES WELL STOCKED IN LUXURY HUMAN
REFRESHMENT.
SOME BIG SPENDERS FILL A SECONDARY SUPERYACHT WITH WOMEN,
WHO ARE CALLED DAY-USE GIRLFRIENDS.
AND WE'VE FOUND IT!
( DING-DING ) THE WORLD'S GROSSEST COMBINATION
OF THREE WORDS!
JIMMY, TELL US WHAT WE'VE WON.
>> PARALYZING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF LATESTAGE
CAPITALISM.
ALSO, A BROYHILL DINETTE SET BROYHILL: NO SEX WORKERS WERE
EMPLOYED IN THE MANUFACTURING OF THIS TABLE.
BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BEFORE I GET INTO MY
NEXT STORY, I JUST WANT TO SAY, KEEP IN MIND -- EVERYONE'S FINE.
>> I'M OK.
>> STEPHEN: TODAY ON EVERYONE'S FINE.
TEN PEOPLE WERE HURT IN A DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION.
NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISING.
THAT STUFF'S LIKE PASTEL BUCK SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE
FOOTAGE OF THE EXPLOSION.
WOW, EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT DIPPIN DOTS IS SUPER HOT!
( LAUGHTER ) THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED WHEN A
TRUCK WAS UNLOADING LIQUID NITROGEN, THE SUBSTANCE USED TO
FLASHFREEZE DIPPIN' DOTS, INTO THE BUILDING.
LIQUID NITROGEN, OF COURSE, IS THE HEALTHIEST INGREDIENT IN
DIPPIN' DOTS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS
HEADLINE WAS FUNNY, SHAME ON YOU.
BECAUSE WHAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY IS THAT THIS IS THE SECOND DIPPIN'
DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION IN TWO YEARS.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, BLOW UP THE DIPPIN DOTS FACTORY ONCE,
SHAME ON ME.
BLOW IT UP TWICE...
WHY DID THEY REBUILD IT?
NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES DIPPIN' DOTS.
BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN.
SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET DIPPIN DOTS.
WHY?
MAY I REMIND YOU: DIPPIN DOTS IS THE ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE.
SOMEONE IS STOPPING AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT FUTURE NEVER
COMES TO PASS.
HERE'S MY THEORY -- THE TECHNOLOGICAL DOT-IFICATION
OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC ICE CREAM RESERVE LEADS TO SKYNET AND
SELF-AWARE KILLER DESSERTMAKING ROBOTS ENSLAVE HUMANITY.
BUT FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM THE FUTURE ARE SENDING THEMSELVES
BACK IN TIME TO SOFT-SERVE SOME JUSTICE.
JUST CONNECT THE TINY FROZEN DOTS WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE
ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THE TIME-TRAVELING KILLER ROBOTS IS
LIQUID NITROGEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S IT!
>> Jon: THEN THEY'RE DONE.
>> Stephen: CASE CLOSED!
NEED MORE PROOF?
LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THIS FAMOUS LINE --
>> I'LL BE BACK...
FOR SPRINKLES.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST
IS THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪