Announcer: The David Pakman Show at www.DavidPakman.com.
David Pakman: Welcome to The David Pakman Show. I'm David Pakman. A little bit later
on, we'll be speaking with former chaplain, Navy chaplain, Gordon Klingenschmitt. He's
been on the show before, and I promise it will be an incredible interview. Is that fair
to say, Louis?
Louis Motamedi: Yeah.
David: Would you describe it as incredible or something else?
Louis: Hmm.
David: Wait and see.
Louis: Incredible's the word, yeah.
David: We'll let the audience editorialize what it is that happened. I was in Miami for
a few days, and on my flight down, I decided I didn't want the porno scanner, and I ended
up opting for a porno pat-down, essentially. And I actually, I don't even know where to
begin. My plan was, I didn't... we've talked about the whole radiation thing, so I was
like you know what, I just don't want... I don't want the scanner. And I tried to convince
my girlfriend to opt out also. She just said she doesn't want to start any trouble, she's
getting the scanner.
Louis: Right.
David: So then I said OK, I'm going to give you my cell phone camera, you go through,
I'm going to opt out, and then you film what it is, film my pat-down, because it would
be great if I could get video of it. She wasn't having any of it. She thought it was illegal
to film, even though I looked it up and you can legally film these checkpoints as long
as you don't interfere. So I was basically on my own. So I actually, right before...
you know how you have these bins, you need a bin for your laptop, you need a bin for
your shoes, you need a bin for all other stuff.
Louis: Right.
David: Your belt has to be off. There's all these bins, right? So before putting my phone
down, I started the recording. And the phone did capture a bunch of different stuff. I'm
going to get to all the details of the pat-down, it is incredible. I have not told Louis, just
to get his honest reaction as to what it is that took place.
So first, I, let's just look at a little bit of this video. I'm going to keep the volume
kind of low on it. So as you can see here, I'm just scrambling. It's not great, but it's
at least something. There I am, so I'm looking down, this is a top-down view. I'll pause
it. I'm wearing glasses, a big sweatshirt, but that is me. This hasn't been sped up,
this is actually how fast I rip everything out of my pockets and throw it into those
bins. Here I'm taking my belt off, toss that in. So our TV audience is seeing all this.
So I'm just doing this as quick as I can, right? A woman comes over, and I'm going to
move the video forward to that part, and she pops her head in and she starts, here she
is, we see her in the corner. She starts talking to me about I can't even have dollar bills
in my pockets. She assumes I'm going through the scanner. You're going to have to strain
to hear this, and I apologize, but at one point, I say, "And I don't want the scanner."
And then she says oh, you're opting out? Let's... I'll play it. Hopefully it'll be as clear
to you as it is in my memory.
[Unintelligible]
David: And I don't want the scanner.
TSA Agent: You're gonna opt out?
David: And then the noise. So what I said is, "And I don't want the scanner." Is it
even... I'm able to hear it because I know it's there. Is it hard to hear what's going
on there?
Louis: Pretty hard to hear.
David: Let's just try it once more, just to get... I'm telling you, this is what happens.
And she literally... they have like a whole protocol, she has one of these radios, she's
like, 'Oh, you're opting out? We have one opt-out here, one opt-out,' speaking into
it, like yelling for a special guy to come over, OK? We'll get to that guy. Let's just
see if we can hear exactly what happened.
[Unintelligible]
David: And I don't want the scanner.
TSA Agent: You're gonna opt out?
David: So that's that. So they put me into like this little, it's almost like a cattle
holding cell, like there's just a couple little walls and I just am forced to stand in there.
And lo and behold, it takes a few minutes, the guy comes over, he's going to be doing
the pat-down, OK? Stretches on the rubber gloves, snap, I mean, literally, like if you
were in a doctor's office...
Louis: Right.
David: Before, you know, a DRE. And he says he'll be doing the pat-down, for me to follow
him over, and he's going to be checking all of my areas including my private areas, and
that if at any point I become uncomfortable, he's glad to take it private, right? So, similar
to a strip club. If you don't want everything happening just in the main area, they're glad
to...
Louis: Bring you to a private room.
David: Exactly. [Laughter]
Louis: OK.
David: This is a federal agent of some kind, ladies and gentlemen. This is an airport,
OK, there's people everywhere. So the guy starts, first he tells me to put my arms out
to my sides, and that's the first part. And I do that, but he needed my palms up, right?
So the normal thing would be to turn them in this direction, which I'm demonstrating
now, so that they would be up. He didn't want that. He actually took my arms and folded
them up this opposite way. So right away, I'm basically hunched over at this point,
OK?
Louis: Right.
David: I have no belt on, remember, because I've taken that off. So he first just starts
running his hands all over my arms into my armpits, and I'm like, you know, that's a
little ticklish. Takes it very seriously. Nothing I can do about that. Very serious
guy that's doing these porno pat-downs. Then he starts, this is just, I can't even describe
this. He gets down almost to like my waist level, OK, and he sticks his hands between
my jeans and my underoos, OK?
Louis: Underoos? Who says that?
David: And he starts circling around me and shaking out my pants, almost like he was...
Louis: Like something's going to fall out of them?
David: I don't know if that was it. He was basically like airing out my shorts, OK, just
shaking and shaking.
Louis: Yeah. Right.
David: And at this point, I have a grin on my face like a madman, because this is just
the most hilarious thing. My girlfriend's about 20 feet away, she's in shock, OK? People
are just going by, looking over, wondering what's going on. I can't stop laughing at
this point, because it's just, it's so absurd, ladies and gentlemen, what we're subjected
to here at these airports. And then he says I'm not taking it seriously enough. He threatens
to call a supervisor if I don't start taking it more seriously.
Louis: Wow.
David: A federal agent is hunched down around my genitals shaking out my pants, and I'm
the one who's not taking it seriously enough because I have a grin on my face. And this
is all, it's all for security, of course.
Louis: Right.
David: Right? And he continues, and then eventually he puts his hands, he puts the back of his
hand down, he starts on either cheek, and he goes down, and then he comes around to
the front, and he does the opposite, and he makes it very clear he's going to have to
move his hands up until he meets resistance.
Louis: Right.
David: And at that point, believe me, there was resistance. And that was that. He did
that, I calmed down. I actually... there is one other exchange I had. I said you know,
I could just... I can get down to less clothes if it would make it easier for you. And at
this point, he looks me in the eye, you can tell he's thinking, "Do I need to call a supervisor,
or am I just going to let this guy go?" And he says, "I'd have to do the same thing."
And I'm thinking, if my leg was completely bare, other than boxers, you would have to
run your hand down the entire bare leg to be sure there's nothing there? And after that,
he just scanned his hands, and then he told me I was free to go.
Porno pat-down. I mean, I can't even imagine what the people that were walking by seeing
this guy with his hands shaking out my pants... it's a bizarre thing to do. We're safer because
the guy shook my pants out and forced air into my area?
Louis: Well, I think...
David: How is this security, Louis?
Louis: I don't know, but the moral of the story is don't laugh when the TSA agent is
shaking your junk.
David: Yeah. I wasn't serious enough. You have to be really serious when federal agents
are shimmying around you airing out your pants, you know? That's...
Louis: Don't laugh. Just don't laugh.
David: You really need to be serious in those situations.
Louis: I'm going to have to deal with this very soon, because I'm going to refuse to
take the scan. I'm going to opt out.
David: Oh, you're also going to do it?
Louis: Because I do not want to get irradiated, so I'm going to have to take the pat-down.
David: On the way back, I basically committed to just... I was so exhausted from, I had
to extend the trip because of snow, it was a long story, and I said I'm just going to...
I'm going to do the, I'm going to get irradiated, I don't care. And by chance, on the way back
at Miami Airport, they just sent me through a metal detector. I just didn't get... I didn't
get the scanner, I didn't get a porno pat-down, nobody aired out my pants. I don't know. I
don't know what the logic is.
On a serious note, I timed, because I had this video recording, I was able to time how
long this all took. My girlfriend was next in line, right? So I started it when she went
through the porno scanner, and when I stopped the recording, seven minutes had elapsed,
right? So the waiting time and the airing out of my pants and all of that, and tickling
my armpits, took about seven minutes total. If everybody opted out, can you even imagine?
Even if 10% opted out, it would single-handedly delay hundreds of flights, thousands, probably,
nationally, if10% or 15% of people opted out of the porno scanner. Seven minutes it took
for the guy to come over, taking his time, stretch the rubber glove on, starting to rub
me all over. Seven minutes. A few hundred people do that, you do the math, Louis, as
to how long, how much this would delay air travel.
Louis: So hold on, hold on. How long was the actual pat-down itself?
David: I think I probably...
Louis: From when he started touching you to when he stopped touching you?
David: I probably waited, I think of the seven minutes, three and a half was waiting, and
three and a half was the enhanced pat-down of my stimulus package.
Louis: But it's not unreasonable to think that someone could wait 10, 15 minutes for
this expert to show up if he's at some other area of the airport doing...
David: That's right. This was not a huge airport. One other guy opted out in front of me, it
took a few minutes. This was way... this was 10 minutes before, I was still 10 minutes
back. And then this guy left, presumably he went to another checkpoint, he apparently
is the male pat-down expert, he makes sure everybody is very serious, no smiling going
on when you're having your pants aired out, and I don't know, I guess that's what it is.
Louis: Well, there you have it.
David: That's my pat-down story.
Louis: Maybe I'll have one too.
David: You're opting out for sure?
Louis: I'm going to opt out.
David: All right. And the whole scene, I mean, it was just all very serious. I don't want
the scanner. We have an opt-out here. I need a male... we have a male opt-out, he is in
the corral. We need you over here right away. And the guy just showed up taking his time.
No rush there. They're on no schedule other than their own at these airports.
Louis: Of course.
Transcript provided by Alex Wickersham. For transcription, translation, captions, and
subtitles, contact Alex at directtranslation@gmail.com.