"Dear Shadeen, I'm a rape survivor and trying to move on,"
"the whole experience has lowered my self-confidence and self-esteem."
"I want to move on and live a better life."
"I want to have power over my body and decide when and who I have sex with."
"I'm a confused uni student at a really low point in my life and I don't know how to move on."
First things first, I hope she's having some sort of trauma therapy.
That's the thing that should be her priority, in my opinion.
That would be great. And I hope that that is accessible for her.
And the thing that I really just want to affirm is the truth in the experience that she wants to have.
And I want to offer to her that she has that.
She might not feel it, but she has agency and autonomy over her body and gets to decide when things are or aren't okay.
And to be able to practice that, even if you don't believe it at first, but to move through the world,
not a fake it until you make it.
But stepping into that experience, trying it on,
believing that I'm at least at the beginning stages of that,
even if I haven't mastered it yet,
because agency is a skill,
negotiation and setting boundaries and advocating for my needs are skills
that even if she's feeling unsure in the beginning,
just being able to allow herself to practice that.
Practice, saying no to things,
practice, saying yes to things,
because often when we've encountered trauma, we stop saying yes, right.
That we stop pursuing the things that feel good.
We stop pursuing the things that we want.
And if she might be willing to take small steps in that direction,
and it doesn't have to be just about sex,
doesn't have to be about romantic relationships, but thinking about other domains in her life
where she can start practicing the belief that I get to decide what is right for me
and if it's wrong for me, I don't have to do it.
And if it's right for me, then I'd like to try it
and I might do whatever I need to get enough support that I can take a little leap of faith. Right.
That that's how we build confidence.
We build confidence through experience.
This one is something that I've heard many times, and I'm really curious to see what you have to say about it.
"Dear Shadeen, I gained 15 kilograms in the last five years,"
So that's like 30 pounds roughly.
"And I'm now feeling really insecure about my body."
"I have sex with my man once every six months or so."
"I'm only 26, but I feel so bad about it."
"I don't feel good showing my body and being intimate, even though I trust my man."
"He once told me two years ago that he wasn't happy that I wasn't losing weight."
"And he's apologized since. But I think it's still in my head."
"Do you have any advice?"
Yeah. So those comments that we might make in passing or in the heat of an argument or
sometimes just carelessly
can really, really stick.
So for anyone like in a relationship,
I really encourage them to be really intentional about their words
because we can really cause a lot of harm without meaning to,
without meaning to
or sometimes meaning to.
And that's not cool.
But for this person who's looking for advice,
some of it really will be about her just being able to claim the body that she's in.
We live in such a fat phobic culture,
and I don't know if that's a term that she would identify with.
If she's feeling fat and that that has a negative connotation for her. Right.
That sometimes being at a larger size is actually a healthier weight for our bodies.
And knowing that for many of us, our weight is going to fluctuate throughout our lives,
that her being 26 at this point in time when she's having these reflections
actually gives her a really great opportunity to start practicing these skills
about like inhabiting your body and finding ways to have acceptance of it,
regardless of the size that it is. Right.
That she doesn't have to move all the way to feeling great about herself in this size if she doesn't love it.
But being able to accept herself as still a sexual being,
even if she is a larger size than she's accustomed to, will be really important.
And so for her to do things that remind her that she is sexual and that she is sexually deserving
will be really important for her to kind of walk back whatever kind of shaming messages that she's encountering.
And so I encourage folks to start paying attention to people in the space who are
really body positive and sex positive at the same time.
So people who feel comfortable sharing and showing their bodies and it doesn't mean that she's to emulate that.
But even getting those kinds of messages.
Yeah.
To know that, like, you can be sexy at every size,
it sounds like her partner is probably still desiring of her.
She didn't mention that, like, oh, he's not interested in sex with me.
So if there's anything that her partner could do to affirm that he's still interested,
that he's still, you know, wants her regardless of how she might be feeling at baseline,
it can help her feel at least more more sure of herself
that she's not taking as far of a leap into vulnerability if she tries something out.
I once got body shamed by someone that I was sleeping with and
it stayed with me for ages. I mean for ages.
I had to have EMDR therapy, which is the eye movement desensitization, reprocessing therapy
to undo the trauma of that moment,
because it was so huge, because we live in a society that makes women in particular
or gay men feel very, very bad about gaining any weight, having excess fat.
[Jameela] I feel like women are like just targeted as a marketing tool, almost.
Because it comes from everywhere.
[Jameela] Well, yeah.
It comes from everywhere.
And so it's Instagram. So be very careful about what it is that you're consuming on social media.
Do not think that. I mean, the most ironic thing, and this is in no way to skinny shame anyone,
but the most ironic thing is that
when I was at my thinnest and I felt like I was the most worthy of sexual attention
is when I had the lowest libido because I wasn't eating in order to achieve that.
Yeah.
And that is the case with a lot of people who are unnaturally slim or working out too much or doing anything excessively to maintain a small physique.
And funny enough that when I'm bigger, when I'm eating and I'm taking more actual care intuitive with my body
is when I have a sex drive.
Right. And these these messages are just so cultural.
[Jameela] Yeah.
And if we were to really listen to our bodies, we'd be able to get so much good information that yeah like
consuming things like fats, like literal fats do help fuel your sex drive. Right.
Because we need the protein and the hormone synthesis that comes from a lot of the fats that we're eating.
But we don't we don't think about that.
We really do think about the visuals and our expectations about how other people are going to receive or affirm us sexually.
And so for this person being able to encounter different messages
and really tracking the things that she's saying to herself about her body. Right.
If there's any way for her to even neutralize it.
Yeah.
Right. So not like I look so insert judgmental term in this outfit. Right.
But just like I'm wearing an outfit.
That's what I do because I I've had an eating sort of like 20 years.
I don't now, currently, but I've had to only practice body neutrality
because I can't do, body acceptance rather, like it's I can't do the
I love my body. Oh I'm so sexy.
Like I want to be Lizzo, but I can't be Lizzo.
Well we can't be.
We can't all be Lizzo. We want to be. But we can't.
[Shadeen] Don't we all.
And so I instead am just like, well, this is my body.
And this is this is what I'm working with.
So I'm gonna have to work it.
Yeah. If this is the body that I live in and I want to have sex.
Then this is a sexual body.
Yeah, exactly.
Ugh I love you.