WELCOME TO THE SHOW AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
EVERYBODY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT IS NOW TECHNICALLY OFFICIALLY
THANKSGIVING.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND
THANKS GIVING IS THAT ONE DAY A YEAR WHERE YOU GATHER AROUND
WITH OLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN FOREVER AND TRY
YOUR HARDEST NOT TO TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) TWO WEEKS AGO YOU WERE SURPRISED
BY THE ELECTION RESULTS AND YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR EXTENDED
FAMILY FOR ONE DAY AND YOU'RE LIKE OH, OKAY, I SEE HOW THIS
GOES.
(LAUGHTER) OH, IT MAKES SENSE NOW.
THANKS GIVING IS ALSO A TIME FOR MUMS TO DO WHAT THEY DO BEST,
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY MENTION YOU HAVE GAINED WEIGHT.
WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY FORCING TO YOU EAT FOOD.
(LAUGHTER) WHILE DAD'S DO WHAT THEY DO
BEST, CONTINUE TO WATCH FOX NEWS TO THE EXCLUSION OF ALL OTHER
MEDIA.
THIS IS ALSO THE DAY WHERE PEOPLE SUDDENLY THINK SUDDENLY
THINK IT'S OKAY TO THROW AROUND THE WORLD JUICY.
LIKE IT'S OKAY LIKE THIS IS TURKEY IS JUICY.
OH, THAT IS JUICY, TASTE THIS, TASTE HOW JUICY THIS, IS THAT
JUSTY, YOU'RE LIKE UNCLE DAVE, IF YOU SAY JUICY ONE MORE TIME,
I SWEAR TO GOD I'M LEAVING.
THE ONLY THING PEOPLE DREAD MORE THAN SEEING FAMILY ON THANKS
GIVING IS SEEING INSTAGRAM ON THANKSGIVING.
I'M PRET SURE EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS YOU KNOWS WHAT A COOKED
TURKEY LOOKS LIKE.
YOU DON'T NEED TO POST A PICTURE OF IT.
UNLESS YOURS GOT UP AND STARTED WALKING AROUND THE TABLE, WE
DON'T NEED TO SEE IT NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE TRAVEL, A LOT OF
PEOPLE DON'T TRAVEL HOME, THEY STAY AND DO FRIEND Z'S GIVING
WHICH IS JUST LIKE A NORMAL THANKSGIVING BUT WITH PEOPLE YOU
ACTUALLY LIKE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WOW, YOU REALLY DO HATE YOUR
FAMILY.
(LAUGHTER) IF SOMEONE HAD ASKED YOU BEFORE
THE SHOW WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WHAT REALLY GO WILE FOR NOT
ABOUT HATING YOUR FAMILY, ARE YOU INTO FRIENDSGIVING?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FRIENDSGIVEING OR AS SOME PEOPLE
CALL IT THANKSGIVING BUT WITH WEED.
(LAUGHTER) NOW HANG ON.
THAT MEANS THAT EVERY DAY IS FRIEND ZS GIVING TO YOU.
>> YEAH, IN 90, 90%.
>> Reggie: >> James: NOW A LOT OF YOU
YUNG PEOPLE ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS WITH YOUR FAMILY THIS
YEAR, SO YOU ARE PROBABLY COOKING THE TURKEY ON YOUR OWN.
WHICH IS STRESSFUL.
BUT DON'T WORRY IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME THERE IS A WAY TO GET
HELP.
YOU GUYS KNOW THAT EVERY YEAR BUTTERBALL OPERATES A HOTLINE,
RIGHT, IT TAKES CALLS FROM PEOPLE WITH TURKEY EMERGENCIES.
WELL, THIS YEAR BUTTERBALL ACTUALLY ADDED A TEXT FUNCTION
TO THEIR HOTLINE SO YOU CAN NOW JUST TEXT THEM YOUR QUESTIONS.
SO IF YOU ARE ROASTING A TUR DE AND YOU NEED SOME HELP JUST TEXT
BUTTERBALL FSM YOU ARE DEEP FRYING YOUR TURKEY JUST GO AHEAD
AND TEXT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
THIS TEXT HOTLINE SOUNDS GREAT THOUGH.
I JUST IMAGINE THE PEOPLE AT BUTTERBALL RECEIVING TEXTS FROM
HIGH SCHOOL KIDS THAT ARE JUST A FUR KEY-- TURKEY EMOJI, AN
EGGPLANT EMOJI AND A QUESTION MARK.
THE ANSWER IS NO, KIDS.
BUT THE MAIN LINE OF COMMUNICATION TO BUTTERBALL IS
STILL THE PHONE CALLS.
THEY GET TONS OF REALLY STRANGE PHONE CALLS EVERY YEAR.
THIS IS TRUEMENT ONE MAN CALLED BECAUSE HE HAD A FREEZER, HE HAD
A TURKEY IN THE FREEZER FROM 1969.
AND WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS OKAY TO COOK IT.
I WILL TAKE THIS ONE.
NO, NO IT'S NOT.
IT'S NOT WINE.
IT DUBT GET BETTER WITH AGE.
LIKE HMMMM, THAT IS A 6 -9D-- 69Y, VERY RARE VINTAGE.
FINALLY THIS IS MY FAVORITE.
ONE PERSON CALLED AND ASKED IF IT WAS OKAY TO THA-W HIS TURKEY
IN HIS HOT TUB.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER IS BUT I HAVE A HARD AND FAST RULE,
DON'T COOK THERE, IF YOU HAVE HAD SEX THERE.
ALSO WHY I DON'T COOK ON ANY FLAT SURFACES ON MY KITCHEN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ALL OR ON REGGIE'S KEYBOARD.
(APPLAUSE) OR ON THAT SEAT.
(APPLAUSE) NO, WOULDN'T BE WHOOOING IF YOU
WERE THERE.