♪ Nagila hava ♪
♪ Nagila ve-nis'mecha ♪
♪ Hava nagila hava ♪
♪ Nagila hava ♪
♪ Nagila ve-nis'mecha ♪
- We're real close tonight, guys (laughs)
closer than you think.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Closer than you think, but back to Jewish culture.
(audience laughs)
Sorry, I don't know how I bridged the gap
between my asshole
(laughs) (audience laughs)
Oh my God, I'm gonna get so many emails.
It's such a bummer (laughs) (audience laughs)
We can edit this.
(audience laughs)
But I, I recently went
to a midnight
Catholic
Mass.
First of all midnight, way to go.
(audience laughs)
Jewish people are like, it's sundown,
you better stay inside.
(audience laughs)
Be careful.
Went to this midnight mass,
walked into the church which first of all to me,
it was like a miracle, I thought that like a doily
that was also a spiderweb would come down and be like,
not you, and I'd be like, (audience laughs)
I know, sorry.
(audience laughs)
Excuse me, sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
(audience laughs)
But like, you know, the synagogue
that I went to when I was a kid, looked like a
Chinese restaurant from the seventies without windows.
And it was like such a bummer.
And I went into this place and it was like, I was like,
holy shit, like churches are just beautiful
little castles for God,
like this is gorgeous. (audience laughs)
But everyone in there was like dressed in red and green.
And like then the guys came out, the priests
(audience laughs)
and they had the incense and they are like
whoa, damn. (audience laughs)
Everyone's dressed up and like, they sing the songs,
and like, weirdly I knew some of the songs
cause' they're like in our culture.
But even when I didn't really know the words,
I could still be like
(singing) (audience laughs)
and everyone was like
yeah, like (audience laughs)
It's like their best move,
like the Christians are in the best moods.
And just was like, oh man, this is so annoying, like
their God got killed as a hunk and they're not even upset.
(audience laughs)
And he's like, no, I don't wanna stress you out,
Don't worry about it.
Like, my body's a cracker
(mumbling) (audience laughs)
Drink my blood it's wine, like this is a party like,
(audience laughs)
This felt like so short changed.
And like, like, like the Christmas songs thinking about it,
they're all just like jingle jingle, everybody
gets a present, like Santa comes down,
but he never catches on fire.
We don't know how it happens like everything's fine.
We never worry, that's not in our culture, like.
(audience laughs)
And like, and like the Jewish songs,
like the happy songs that you sing before you open your
Barbie Van or whatever, you're lucky enough to get.
I got the Barbie Van.
(audience laughs)
Like those songs are just like,
♪ They tried to kill us in the past ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ They are gonna do it again ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ Rest for just a moment ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ There's only one drop of oil for a million people. ♪
(audience laughs and cheering)
- The Dutch names are wild, I mean, they're just crazy.
When you learn a Dutch name, it's like,
you are actually speaking Dutch, it's insane.
Like Cais' his best friend is named Thijs.
I'm like what?
(audience laughs)
Cais and Thijs
I'm like, is this a ghetto morning show? What is this?
(audience laughs)
Cais used to have a cat named Kous, I was like,
You better, you better not. (audience laughs)
(laughs)
One time the cat got out
Cais called Thijs was like Kous is on the loose, I'm like
(audience laughs)
Is this a Dutch Dr. Seuss
(audience laughs)
It's too much.
Too much.
I'm not making this up.
My mother-in-law beautiful lady, her name is Johanna.
She legally shortened it as you do in Holland
to Hanukkah.
(audience laughs)
What now? (audience laughs)
I said Hanukkah, like the holidays?
She's like, it sounds nothing like the holidays.
I was like happy Kwanzaa bitch.
Like I don't even know (audience laughs)
what to say, I feel like this is a joke on me.
(audience laughs)
My dad retired recently, that's very weird,
he's become a totally different person.
He's like really softened, he's become very sentimental,
he's like a total pussy.
Like I don't know how handle (audience laughs)
that energy at all, like.
I was home for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago
and we were watching football on TV,
It's just me and him in the living room.
And when the game ended, he turned the TV off
and he looked at me and he went Joseph,
have I ever told you about my happiest memory?
(audience laughs)
I was like, uh no, no. (audience laughs)
He was I wanna share this with you.
I don't know if you remember this, but when,
when you were nine years old, Joseph, your mother and I,
we bought you a Sega Genesis for Hanukkah.
Do you remember that?
And you wanted that Sega of so badly,
you kept asking for it for months and we told you,
you were never getting a Sega.
And that first night of Hanukkah, you opened up that gift
and I've never seen anything like it.
You started jumping up and down and screaming.
You kissed me on the cheek.
And to know that I could bring another person
that kind of joy, he was like getting all emotional.
He was like, if I could freeze my life in any moment,
it would be right there when you opened that Sega
(audience laughs)
And I was sitting there like, damn, dad thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that, that was beautiful.
But in my head, I was like fuck, fuck, fuck.
So little backstory. (audience laughs)
Here's what you need to know, when I was nine years old,
I was a little piece of shit
and I knew where my parents hid presents, right?
And so one day my parents went to the grocery store,
I saw them pull out of the driveway and I locked the door,
I ran into my dad's closet.
Looked under this big pile of sweaters.
There was a giant wrapped, rectangular present.
And like a little spy, I got down and I carefully
opened up the scotch tape and it revealed the word
Sega Genesis and obviously out loud,
I was like fucking finally
(audience laughs)
goddamn it.
So I got back down, I start to close the present back up,
and as I did, I tore the corner of the wrapping paper.
It wasn't severe but you know.
Maybe if you imagine that your dad worked closely with,
I don't know, like forensic scientist (laughs)
it was like super noticeable.
And for the next six weeks, I can't even convey to you
the sheer terror I lived under,
that any. At any point my dad was going to get chilly,
put on a sweater, see this tampered present
(audience laughs)
and then send me to jail.
(audience laughs)
Like the stakes were so high.
And it was like a true Hanukkah miracle.
Like the first night my parents put out all the presents for
my sister and I, no one noticed the tear.
We went over to the table, we started lighting candles,
all that bullshit and then, before anyone had a chance
to look at the presents I ran over,
I tore it open and just like wildly overcompensated,
you know, like a bad actor. (audience laughs)
I was like, what a Sega?
And I started like jumping up and down and screaming.
I kissed my dad on the cheek.
(audience laughs)
At one point I did a cartwheel
(audience laughs)
that's how crazy, I was just, in my head, I was like,
I knew it was a effeminate, but I was like,
I gotta sell this, I gotta sell this, I gotta sell this.
I guess, I sold it, It's my dad's happiest memory.
(audience laughs)
Are there any Jews here, by the way, any Jews?
(audience cheers)
Round them up.
(audience laughs)
JK