[upbeat music]
With more on this groundbreaking discovery,
we turn to one of "The Daily Show's" newest correspondents
at the Kennedy Space Center.
Please welcome Roy Wood, Jr. everyone!
[audience applauding and cheering]
Thanks, Trevor.
Roy, what can you tell us about these new developments?
I can tell you that I don't give a shit.
[audience laughing]
Okay, seriously, Roy?
I mean, this is a pretty big deal.
Look, man, every couple of years on Mars,
NASA finds a face in the dirt, a tire track,
now they found a little Martian runoff water, Trevor?
They want us to be excited about mother [beep] water?
[audience laughing]
Roy, Roy, think of what water on Mars
means to us here on Earth, man.
This could be a whole new inhabitable planet.
We could build colonies.
No, no, no, leave Mars alone!
[audience laughing]
Trevor, the universe is like an apartment complex, okay?
And NASA's just going around knocking on random doors,
letting themselves in.
What, because the faucet works?
[audience laughing]
We're allowed to live there, look-
Yeah, yeah, but Roy, let's think about this.
Doesn't this raise the possibility
that one day people could live on Mars?
People like who?
[audience laughing]
Like me and you?
How I'm gonna get there?
Brother can't catch a cab,
you think we could catch a spaceship?
[audience heartily laughing]
No, no, Roy.
Roy, that's wrong, that's wrong.
We're deserving as anyone.
Black people ain't going to Mars!
[audience laughing]
And that includes you, Trevor.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you think, 'cause you on TV,
they gonna take you to Mars. [snickers]
[audience laughing]
You've only had "The Daily Show" for one commercial break.
These White folks ain't decided if they like you yet!
[audience laughing and applauding]
I'll tell you though,
I'll tell you which Black people are going to Mars.
I'll tell you who's going.
Beyonce, Oprah, and Michael Strahan.
[audience laughing]
Oh wait,
really, Michael Strahan?
White people love anything Kelly Ripa likes.
[audience laughing]
I see, so you don't ever want to go to Mars?
Okay fine, maybe eventually, but I don't wanna go first.
Wouldn't ever wanna be the first Black person.
To be a Black pioneer is stressful.
I don't wanna be the Jackie Robinson of Mars.
[audience laughing]
Bunch of Martians yelling the N word at me.
How did they even learn the word?
[audience laughing]
Roy, that's a mass generalization,
don't say that, Roy, that's wrong.
[upbeat music]
For more on this, we turn to new "Daily Show" correspondent,
Desi Lydic, everyone!
[audience cheering and applauding]
Desi, it's hard to fathom that ISIS makes so much money
selling antiques on the black market in America.
It's actually disgusting.
That's right, Trevor.
It's awful how ISIS can fuel their campaign of destruction
by selling off the region's greatest treasures.
Treasures like this smart little item
that Hassan is displaying for us.
Hassan, what can you tell us about this piece?
[audience laughing]
Well, Desi, this is a beautiful statuette of Aglibol,
the Lunar Fertility God.
Ooh, fertility god, I do not need one of those!
[audience laughing]
I'm very fertile.
[laughing] You are, yeah, you are.
Now, how much would someone expect to pay
for an irreplaceable piece of civilization like this?
Well, on the market,
this could go for as much as $380,000!
-What? -Yeah!
But right now we're selling it today for not three,
not two, but just $140,000.
That's a steal!
It literally was.
[audience laughing]
Sorry guys, Hassan, Desi, sorry,
but this is exactly the problem.
Sales like this creates a market for ISIS to exploit
for higher and higher profits.
That's absolutely right.
The money you spend on items like this go right back
into destroying more historic sites like Palmyra.
Which means if you buy this piece now,
it is almost guaranteed to go up in value.
[audience laughs]
That's just a smart investment.
Yeah, yeah, but guys, but guys,
these are priceless pieces of history,
and you are selling them for next to nothing.
That's right, Trevor!
And if you act now, you get the complete Palmyrian Trinity.
I'm talking about Aglibol, whom we've met already,
along with Belle, the Co-Supreme,
and the Solar Nimbus, Yarhibol, Lord of the Spring.
[audience laughs]
And that's not all.
We'll also throw in this fresh bowl of blessed Shaman blood.
Oh wow, oh wow.
[slurping liquid] That's real blood folks,
guaranteed to triple in value.
Well, I'm sorry, did you say triple in value?
That's right, and this is an opportunity
you do not wanna miss.
Call now.
[audience laughs]
Oh sorry, not me.
[upbeat music]
Here to help is one of "The Daily Show's" newest members,
Senior Technology Correspondent, Ronny Chieng, everyone.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thanks Trevor, thanks.
For decades, we've been hearing about virtual reality,
the immersive computer simulator technology
that could help us do incredible things,
like perform surgery from across the country,
or seduce giant blue cheetah women.
[audience laughs]
Now, after billions of dollars in research and development
virtual reality is finally ready to show us what it can do.
[Spokesperson] Imagine you are at a performance
of the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra,
but not in the audience.
Instead, you are in the middle of the action.
That's the experience the LA Phil want to bring to the world
with the new virtual reality app.
Yeah, a classical music concert.
Great, now I get to be bored out my mind
from the comfort of my own home.
[audience laughs]
I can't wait until they come out
with a virtual reality flight delay simulator.
[audience laughs]
Oh cool, we're 10th in line for takeoff.
I guess I'll just take out this crossword puzzle
in this virtual in-flight magazine.
Oh, someone already filled it out with pen.
What a virtual dick!
[audience laughs]
Come on, science, this is virtual reality.
We can go anywhere.
How about one where you can travel around the world
and I don't know, go deep sea diving.
And your dad says he's proud of you.
[audience laughs]
Now the possibilities are endless.
Oh wait, wait, Ronny, what did you say about your dad?
Unfortunately Trevor,
[audience laughs]
the current options for virtual travel
are a little underwhelming.
Hotel giant, Marriott is getting in on the action
using VR technology to showcase their properties.
Well let's take a trip to China.
Wow, so I'm in the square, ah,
this dude's right in front of me talking.
Looks like he's got some breadsticks right in front of me.
There's a gentle wind blowing
and I know that from the flag above me.
Ah, my tour is coming to an end.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, great, I've always wanted to go to China
and stand there for 10 seconds.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, I saw the flag, I saw the sidewalk.
I saw the great dude of China.
[audience laughs]
I don't know, it's like I don't have to go anymore.
But, you know what, Ronny,
it seemed pretty impressive to me.
It looked like you could reach out and touch that guy.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just some guy that's not my dad.
[audience laughs]
Why would your dad-
But Trevor, it's not all fun and games.
All right, there are also practical applications
for virtual reality.
Virtual reality has been tried before in football.
It has never worked, until now.
There are limits in college on how much time
players can spend on the field.
There are no limits to how much time they can spend alone
with a virtual reality headset.
We did it.
We found another way to exploit college athletes.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah, it's great.
Yeah, now they can take a break from football practice
with more football practice.
Come on, these guys get enough football already.
They should be using virtual reality
to experience something they'll never get to see,
like a paycheck from the NCAA.
[audience laughing]
[Audience] Whoa.
Oh Ronny, I mean,
it sounds like nothing's good enough for you man.
Yeah, I know, now I know how my dad feels.
Am I right? [laughing]
But actually that's not completely true.
There is one kind of virtual reality
that I think we can all appreciate.
I'll give you a hint.
It rhymes with corn and you can jerk off to it.
[audience laughs]
Just when you thought
the multi-billion dollar porn business
couldn't get any bigger, enter virtual reality.
You can head over to the Gentleman's Club,
and you can go on stage to give a pole dance.
If you get a lap dance, the girl is,
you know right on your lap.
And she's moving and gyrating.
The experience is remarkably real.
Yeah, finally, this is what virtual reality should be.
Yeah, check out those geometric curves, so hard and angular.
[audience laughs]
Ronny, I don't understand.
Why you getting so excited about the [beep] graphics.
I mean, why not just watch real people have sex on video?
Well, sure, that'd be great.
And hopefully we'll live to see the day
where that technology is possible.
[audience laughs]
But you know what Trevor, I was so inspired
by the potential of virtual reality
that I went out and I made my own program,
one that I think could even be more popular than porn.
Check it out.
I know I don't say this much, but I love you, son.
I'm so proud of you.
Let's go stand in China together.
I love you so, Dad!
I love you so, Dad. [crying]
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
[upbeat music]
For more on this deep division,
please welcome to the show,
our newest Daily Show correspondent, Mr. Michael Kosta.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Well, thanks, Trevor.
It's great to be here.
But just so you know, it's actually Dr. Michael Kosta now.
Wait, wait, you're an actual doctor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
According to medical certificate online.com, I am.
[Trevor] So that's a blank.
Now Trevor, as a professional doctor,
I'm here to prescribe a cure for America's division.
A spoonful of optimism.
It may seem that Americans are being driven apart,
but plenty are coming together.
Take right wing conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones.
He runs INFOWARS.
I was told by a genetic engineer
about a project they were on in England once,
and I never told the story on air
because it's so fantastical.
They had in tanks, people with gills,
and they were little babies,
and they were in there just gulping, clawing at the sides.
You see a turtle at the zoo, and it wants out,
and you feel for it.
They got humanoids crossed with fish and stuff.
I mean, we are screwed, people.
I mean, do you understand that?
Humanoids crossed with fish?
So mermaids, you hate mermaids?
Who hates mermaids?
Now, you wouldn't think that guy has much in common
with, say, Hollywood's Gwyneth Paltrow, the founder of Goop.
That's her website, where she markets
an alternative brand of wellness
that for some reason her followers pay actual money for.
I've always been that person
who has sort of introduced the culture or the media
to things that people think are weird.
I usually make my own smoothie
with a lot of different Moon Juice powders.
There's great proteins and adaptogens
and things to help with adrenal fatigue,
and for beauty.
[Reporter] Perhaps nothing is more interesting
than the TMI topic
of vaginal steaming, which Goop endorsed in January.
[audience laughing]
Wow, vaginal steaming.
That phrase is both too much information
and somehow not enough information.
[audience laughs]
Well, it's pretty clear to me, frankly.
Oh, oh, okay, but I'm confused.
Why are we talking about Gwyneth Paltrow and Alex Jones?
Because they show us how not divided America is.
You think they have nothing in common, but they do.
On both their websites,
they push a lot of the same strange dietary supplements,
the exact same supplements.
They just market them differently.
Take Maca, a supplement that's said to increase sex drive,
which I bought but do not need.
[audience laughs]
Now on Goop, you can find Maca
in their Moon Juice Sex Dust.
But on INFOWARS, it's Super Male Vitality.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Both sites also recommend alternative remedies
like Active Silver, Udatheraroot and de-boned salmon enemas.
Okay, I made that last one up.
But we all know when you lose the bones
you lose the health benefits.
Oh, oh, oh, okay, Michael.
I'm Dr. Kosta.
So Gwyneth Paltrow puts the same herbs
in her green smoothies as Alex Jones
puts on his pizza steaks.
But I still don't understand what this has to do
with a divided America.
Oh, of course not, you don't have a medical degree.
Now Trevor, do you know what this is?
A horseshoe?
Wrong, this is a symbol of a political theory
named the Horseshoe Theory of Politics.
Now it states the far left and the far right,
rather than being at opposite ends
of a linear political continuum,
in reality, closely resemble one of another
much like the ends of a horseshoe.
So it's actually a horseshoe.
So-
[audience laughs]
Gwyneth is here, Alex is here.
Pretty close.
In fact, the extreme fringes have a ton in common.
Both don't believe in vaccines.
Both think 911 was an inside job, both like birds.
You know, when you think about it, the movie "Birdman,"
isn't that really just a fancy "Duck Dynasty?"
What, "Birdman" is nothing like "Duck Dynasty."
The point is, maybe we can all learn from the extremes
and focus on what brings us together,
a healthy skepticism of authority,
and well, a powdered drink that gives you boners, okay.
[audience laughs]
I mean, if it'll bring us together in America.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No don't drink that.
That kicks in immediately.
What are you doing?
What so, I'm gonna, what, what?
Trevor, we gotta get you outta here.
That's, that's, no, oh, we, let's go.
You gotta go, you gotta go.
[audience laughs]
I don't, I don't, I don't, I can't stand up.
[audience laughing]
[upbeat music]
Please, welcome to the show,
our newest Daily Show Correspondent, Dulce Sloan, everybody.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Come on, Dulce.
Hey, thanks Trevor.
Yes, it's Fashion Week.
And while we'll see some new looks,
some things will never change.
For example, we know at least one model
will fail at her only job, walking down the runway.
And that some designer's gonna try to sell us clothes,
they fished out of a dumpster.
[audience laughs]
But the thing, mm, that gets the most attention every year
is the cultural appropriation, that never goes outta style.
Well Dulce, say for people who don't know,
can you explain what cultural appropriation is?
Sure, it's when you take something
that defines the culture
that you're not a part of, and profit off of it.
The fashion industry does it all the time.
They take from Black culture, Native Americans,
Asia, you name it.
I mean, the models even appropriate
their body dimensions from the aliens in "Close Encounters."
[audience laughs]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Dulce, to be fair,
not all instances of cultural appropriation
are that extreme.
Well, yeah, that's true.
Not every person who listens to rap, or wears a kimono,
or sings the chorus to "Despacito"
is trying to steal someone else's culture.
That's good to hear, because I love singing "Despacito."
Well, you can definitely sing it,
'cause you know, you look like a Puerto Rican.
[audience laughing]
Ola.
[audience laughing]
But sometimes it crosses the line.
Like when you get movies about White boys saving jazz,
or Miley Cyrus twerking.
Ugh, hell, cultural appropriation
is the only thing Taylor and Katy can agree on.
[audience laughs]
Okay, okay, but some people look at some of these examples
and they think, why the fuss?
Because Trevor, it's [beep]
when White people discover something
that used to be considered ghetto.
For example, look at big butts.
I always try to.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
[audience laughs]
Big butts used to be considered undesirable,
but since the Kardashians bought all of theirs,
now everybody wants one.
Ooh, and don't get me started on Dreadlocks.
When Black people have them, they're discriminated against.
They even get fired over it.
But when White people have them, clothes fly off the racks.
Look at this, this is a fashion show or is she a avatar?
[audience laughs]
Wait, wait, go, go back.
Was that Kendall Jenner?
Baby, it's always Kendall Jenner.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, well you know what, Dulce, I'm not gonna lie.
I hear you, and this is interesting.
Because for me, it's weird.
Where I come from cultural appropriation
isn't really a big deal, right?
My family's always trying to get my White friends
to wear African clothes.
They don't view it as White people
trying to steal our culture.
They think they're embracing it.
Mm hmm, and that's the attitude,
they got my ancestors over here.
These White men are trying to steal us,
they're embracing us.
Come on, come get on this boat.
Okay, no, no, but wait, wait, wait.
But it's not just Africa.
When Beyonce did that video
where she dressed up like an Indian goddess, right.
People here were upset.
But in India, a lot of people loved it.
Okay, now Trevor, Beyonce is a bad example
because she's a literal goddess.
Come on, forget culture.
If Beyonce stole my identity, I wouldn't even press charges.
I'd be like, thank you.
[audience laughs]
It's an honor, here's my pin number, Beyonce.
[audience laughing]
Look Trevor, this is about equality.
If minorities were equal,
they wouldn't worry about people taking their culture,
because that wouldn't be all they have.
Look White people, if you're gonna appropriate,
take everything, take the good and the bad.
You can take my struggle too.
Get pulled over for no reason.
Get followed through a store,
and the next time there's a Black Lives Matter march,
I wanna see you there Kendall.
But don't worry about bringing that Pepsi, girl.
We drink Sprite.
[audience laughs]
[upbeat music]