WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS TRISTATE.
TRUMP'S HAD ANOTHER ROUGH WEEK ON THE IMPEACHMENT FRONT, BUT
HE'S GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.
ON SATURDAY, HE'S GOING TO THE ANNUAL ARMY-NAVY FOOTBALL
GAME.
NOW, THIS IS ONE SPORTING EVENT WHERE TRUMP'S GOT A PRETTY GOOD
CHANCE OF NOT GETTING BOOED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN IF HE IS, THE BOOING
WILL BE HIGHLY REGIMENTED: "SIR, BOO, SIR!
PERMISSION TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SUCK, SIR!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOON-- SOON-- SOON, TRUMP COULD HAVE A WHOLE
NEW MILITARY TEAM TO ROOT FOR, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE HOUSE
PASSED A BILL TO ESTABLISH SPACE FORCE, WHICH WILL BE DEDICATED
TO HANDLING THREATS IN SPACE.
( AS TRUMP ) "LOT OF HIGH-TECH THREATS UP
THERE.
I HEAR THEY'VE BEEN MAKING SMALLER AND MUCH MORE PORTABLE
YODAS."
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN BEFORE THE BILL PASSED,
TRUMP WAS ALREADY BOASTING ABOUT SPACE FORCE.
>> IT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST APPLAUSE OF ANYTHING.
IT'S THE SIXTH BRANCH OF THE UNITED STATES ARMED FORCES,
THE SPACE FORCE.
>> Stephen: "IT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST APPLAUSE"?
( AS TRUMP ) "I'LL DO ANYTHING PEOPLE CLAP
FOR!
WHO WANTS 'FREE BEER FORCE'?
HOW ABOUT 'NAME-OF-THE-TOWN-I'M-IN
FORCE'?" BUT SPACE ISN'T AS LOFTY AS IT
SOUNDS, BECAUSE THE NEW SPACE FORCE WILL STILL BE HOUSED
WITHIN THE AIR FORCE AND BE STAFFED BY PERSONNEL WITHIN THE
AIR FORCE WHO CURRENTLY WORK ON SPACE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT: SPACE FORCE'S
HEADQUARTERS WILL BE IN...
PRE-EXISTING OFFICE SPACE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, THE REASON HOUSE DEMOCRATS
GAVE TRUMP HIS SPACE FORCE IS BECAUSE THE BILL THAT
ESTABLISHED SPACE FORCE ALSO CONTAINS THEIR FUTURISTIC DREAM
PROJECT: PAID PARENTAL LEAVE FOR FEDERAL WORKERS.
THAT IS GREAT.
HELL, YEAH, THAT IS REALLY GET.
I'M NOT SURPRISED TRUMP AGREED TO THAT.
( AS TRUMP ) "MAKES SENSE.
WHEN THINGS GET PARENTAL, I ALWAYS LEAVE."
BUT TRUMP'S NOT JUST GETTING COOL SPACE TOYS THIS HOLIDAY
SEASON.
HE'S ALSO DOING SOME GIVING.
THIS WEEK, WE LEARNED "HE PAID $2 MILLION TO EIGHT CHARITIES."
THAT'S A GENEROUS GIFT THAT CAME STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART
OF THE NEW YORK COURT SYSTEM.
BECAUSE TRUMP ONLY GAVE A DIME BECAUSE HE WAS ORDERED BY A
JUDGE WHO FOUND THE PRESIDENT HAD ILLEGALLY USED FUNDS FROM
HIS SUPPOSED CHARITY, THE DONALD J. TRUMP FOUNDATION.
THIS IS AN EXCITING MODERN TWIST >> Audience: BOOO!
>> YI AGREE.
THIS IS AN EXCITING MODERN TWIST ON THE ENDING TO "A CHRISTMAS
CAROL."
( AS SCROOGE ) "YOU, BOY!
DOWN THERE!
WHAT DAY IS IT, BOY?" ( AS CHILD )
"WHY, IT'S THE DAY YOU'RE LEGALLY COMPELLED TO GIVE TO
CHARITY, SIR!
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE GOT A SUBPOENA FOR A
CHRISTMAS GOOSE!" "DARLING BOY!
CHARMING BOY!" IN COURT, DONALD TRUMP ADMITTED
TO SHOCKING MISUSE OF HIS CHARITY'S FUNDS, INCLUDING
GIVING HIS OWN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN $2.8 MILLION FROM A
VETERANS FUND-RAISER, AND SPENDING $10,000 ON A PORTRAIT
OF HIMSELF.
( AS TRUMP ) "IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S LOOK A MIRROR THAT DOESN'T KNOW WHEN I'M NAKED."
THIS I LIKE: TRUMP'S THREE ADULT KIDS WERE OFFICERS OF THE
FOUNDATION, AND AS PART OF THE SETTLEMENT, ERIC, DON JR., AND
IVANKA WERE ORDERED TO UNDERGO MANDATORY TRAINING TO ENSURE
THEY DO NOT ENGAGE IN SIMILAR MISCONDUCT IN THE FUTURE.
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A BIG DAY FOR ERIC.
( AS ERIC ) "GUYS IT WAS SO FUN-- IT WAS SO
FUN TO HANG OUT AFFECT AT MANDATORY CHARITY CLASS!
HEY, LET'S HAVE A CLASS REUNION RIGHT NOW!
COME BACK!
I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY TO STICK AROUND!
ISN'T THAT-- ISN'T THAT HOW CHARITY WORKS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS )
LOVE ME!" MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING,
MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING, MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING,
HIS CHILDREN HAD TO GO TO MANDATORY CHARITY TRAINING.
WHAT KIND OF TEST DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AT THE END OF THAT COURSE?
QUESTION 1: CHARITY IS: A: VOLUNTARY GIVING;
B: THE NAME OF THE LADY DAD SAYS TO NEVER TELL MELANIA ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- I'M SORRY.
DIJUST BREAK SOME NEWS TO YOU ABOUT HIS FIDELITY?
TRUMP DIDN'T GET TO CHOOSE WHICH CHARITIES GOT HIS COURT-ORDERED
DONATIONS, AND YOU CAN TELL, BECAUSE ONE OF THEM IS THE
UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND.
YES, GOOD FOR THEM.
GIVE, GIVE, GIVE, AN EXCELLENT CHARITY.
AND WE HAVE A PHOTOCOPY OF TRUMP'S CHECK TO THEM.
WHAT'S ON THE MEMO LINE?
( AS TRUMP ) "DO I GET TO SAY IT NOW?"