[CHEERING]
What's up? What's up?
What up? What up?
What up?
What's up?
Woo!
Whoa!
Hey!
Look at that!
Welcome to another episode of "Desus and Mero."
Yeah!
Or a dick and a pussy, depending on who you ask.
- Depending on who you ask. - You see?
Well, some people don't know where
the dickhead goes in the pussy.
But hey!
Listen.
[LAUGHTER]
You're not hitting the bottom.
You know what I'm saying?
But no, this is the clean version
of our show for Christians.
You know what I mean?
This is the version they're going to run on USA.
OK.
You know what I'm saying?
When we go into syndication.
This is the classy version.
Mero has got his ascot on.
He's got his Roland Martin on.
You feel me? DESUS: We're rocking.
You see it?
Silky!
DESUS: OK.
OK.
He looks like he's about to fuck
up a lobster in City Island.
Oh my god!
But this is like a Versace lobster bib.
I don't know if you know about this.
I'm Hollywood Mero today.
DESUS: Hey!
Boo!
Tomato, tomato, tomato.
Move in! Move in!
[LAUGHS]
Boo!
Is Hollywood the new variant?
MAN: Desus, pull yours down, and, Mero, pull yours up.
Hey, yo.
Hey.
Oh, that's from the foreskin department.
Anyway!
JULIA: Well, actually, speaking of that--
Speaking of foreskins.
Oh, we've got some foreskins in the house.
DESUS: American men's penises are only the 59th biggest
in the world, study finds.
Yo, I'm Dominican.
DESUS: The average length of 5.35 inches,
or as they say in Spanish, pequito,
is shorter than their Haitian, French,
and Aussie counterparts.
MERO: Ooh, Ecuadorian men apparently
have the biggest penises at an average of 6.93 inches,
while the smallest can be found in Cambodia at just 3.9.
Wah, wah, wah.
Why Cambodia's kinda strain?
They didn't have to put that in there.
They didn't have to put-- you leave the littlest out.
Oh, man.
Big up, you know what I'm saying?
Ecuador. You know what I'm saying?
I thought everyone's dick was 9-plus, right?
Isn't that what--
JULIA: Whose dick?
What?
Isn't that the average size, 9-plus?
I thought it was like 10, and like--
I thought it was like two Coke cans.
- Right. - That's me.
It's a Spectrum remote.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
It's an Arizona iced tea can.
It's a Pringle can!
[LAUGHTER]
OK?
At any time was America number one with dicks?
- Never. - No?
Damn!
That's why they sell you that dream--
American dream.
Of American exceptionalism.
You know what I'm saying? - Right.
American exceptionalism is bullshit, dawg!
It is.
It's just regular dicks.
When it comes to dicks.
I guess it wasn't the greatest generation.
You know what I'm saying?
What the fuck?
Boomers!
Fuck them.
They're barely booming.
You know what I'm saying?
JULIA: Does this hurt your feelings?
No. Look, I'm--
He's Dominican.
I'm Jamaican.
Yeah, so--
This don't apply to me.
We good, baby.
JULIA: On behalf of American men, though, do you feel--
Oh, on behalf of American men, sorry, y'all.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
We'll send you a penis condolence card.
Yo!
We'll send you a penis gift card, like, good for 3 inches.
You wouldn't even have to ask where Jamaica and the Dominican
Republic are on this list, because all women be
vacationing there.
Come back with the hair braided and their pussy cleaned.
You said what?
And her new boyfriend.
OK.
Who has a visa now.
Let me send Daria some gift cards.
Oh, I love you so much.
I can't wait to reunite with you in Dyckman.
God damn!
Do they-- what's the equivalent for women,
like vagina depth?
JULIA: Research.
Clitoris girth?
Again, I'm Jamaican.
Top of the morning like yo, no, we're not doing this.
You're not doing this.
DESUS: I see.
JULIA: We can continue.
There's more penis gos, I suppose.
Listen.
Suppose!
Keep the penises coming.
That's right!
JULIA: Oh!
Oh, sorry, for the wrong network.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
MERO: Loch Monster theory suggests Nessie could actually
just be a whale's penis.
DESUS: A professor claims the mythical Loch Monster
could actually just be a penis.
Although, fellow academics have disputed the bizarre dick
pic theory.
[LAUGHS] Dick pic theory!
Yo!
Hey, yo!
I mean, yo, listen.
That's whale meat?
Is he Ecuadorian?
[LAUGHTER]
Hey, yo!
JULIA: Do you want to guess the blue whale dick size?
Not really. Not really.
MERO: The blue whale dick size?
JULIA: You've got to.
We've got a lot of audio clips I don't feel comfortable with.
What is it?
Like, it's probably like--
it'd be international, 4 meters.
JULIA: We'll do in feet.
In feet?
OK.
I want to say mid-size sedan.
JULIA: 8 feet 2 inches to 9 feet 8 inches.
God damn!
Wow.
JULIA: The blue whale's dick average.
- Oh, wow. - Average.
JULIA: Yeah.
OK.
But does he like cuddle?
Cheap. - You know what I'm saying?
He's out here slinging meat. He don't care about emotions.
Bow, bow, I'll just drop the dick off.
See you later.
I've got to find Nemo, stupid.
The fuck out here.
It's like, "Stop.
That's too rough."
My dork is huge.
It's actually called a dork.
Did you know that?
Julia almost spit out her macha latte.
[LAUGHTER]
JULIA: It's black coffee.
You know a lot about animal dicks, my guy.
I've got four kids.
They're studying this shit.
I'm like, why do you learn about whale dick at school?
Why don't they teach you how to do taxes?
Worry-- like, that's what kids got to be not taught at school.
Don't worry about critical race theory.
Why are they teaching them about whale dicks?
Whale dicks!
How is that going to help them get jobs in the future?
Hello!
I'm like, are all y'all going to be marine biologists, fucking
doing pap smears on whales?
They need to bring back cursive writing, not
whale dicks.
MERO: That's right!
Let's do math the right way.
None of this box stuff.
They don't offer keyboarding anymore.
That's right!
Mavis Beacon taught me a lot.
JULIA: Yes.
All right!
These kids don't know the home row.
[LAUGHTER]
That shit was torture.
The home row!
Who types like this?
Like fucking salad fingers!
Oh, no.
Nobody types like that.
I type like my mom, like, yo, one finger, bop,
bop, beam, beam, bom, beam.
You've got to be professional with the two fingers.
Like I'm ringing you up for a number three
at McDonald's, like, bing, bing, bing.
What else do you want?
What size do you want, large or giant?
I was like, that's the same thing, dawg.
Large or giant?
I want whale penis size!
JULIA: OK.
We're going to move on to some tech gos.
Tech gos.
Holy shit!
Elon Musk has a whale penis.
DESUS: Startup says you can talk to your dead relatives.
MERO: For a fee.
DESUS: Bom, bom, bom.
MERO: Bom, bom.
Somnium's aptly named Live Forever mode costs about $50
a year.
That's like Xbox Live.
DESUS: Yeah.
People can enter the company's VR world
and turn on the feature.
It will have their body language, movements,
and speech, and other character traits restored, and stored
on Somnium's servers.
- OK. - Wow.
So you're just sitting there.
You walk into my mausoleum.
I'm like, yo, I eat ass.
DESUS: That could work.
Yeah.
You say something funny.
I like fall out the chair and shit.
You've got to put me back.
Can you send this to a link to your relatives
that you want to die?
(SINGING) Do you want to die?
Like, I like you, but I don't like the live version of you.
I'd rather have just some clips.
JULIA: All right.
Would you like some Long Island gos?
- Yeah, sure. - Oh, Long Island gos.
Why not?
If it don't got Big Time Tommy in it, we don't want it.
MERO: Oh shit!
Billy Joel biopic "Piano Man" greenlit without rights
to his music or likeness.
OK!
DESUS: "Piano Man," an appropriately titled movie
about Joel's early days is currently
in the works with Michael Jai White's Jaigantic Studios.
Jaigantic Studios!
He named it Jaigantic!
Is Michael Jai White who I think it is?
Yes!
[LAUGHS] He's like the martial arts Black dude.
JULIA: Yeah.
It's not Wesley Snipes.
Oh my god!
JULIA: Seven black belts, yeah. - Yeah, he is.
He is.
So is there karate in this movie?
Is this Billy Joel
Play me a piano, piano man!
Ya.
All right.
This photo says a lot.
Yo, see!
It's Jaigantic.
Your Uber Eats driver is here.
I'm like, all right. - All right.
OK, Michael Jai.
My kids are here.
JULIA: He did "Spawn."
Oh, he did. He did.
He's in "Spawn."
JULIA: Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?"
OK.
Good stuff from 20 years ago.
Something else.
JULIA: "Black Dynamite."
Oh, shit.
"Black Dynamite," yes.
I love how Julia's naming all this stuff
off the top of her head.
I'm like, whoa, whoa.
She got the feed.
She's like, yo.
She's like, what's Black people shit, Black people shit?
She's like, I'm a Jai addict.
I'm Jai hive.
You're Jai hive? JULIA: Yeah.
You're Jaive?
I'm Jaive. Yeah.
Die for the Jaive.
JULIA: Yeah, always.
Yeah.
Oh.
- Yo! - Poor Billy--
MERO: God damn.
Poor Billy Joel?
Nah, he be doing shit.
MERO: He be doing some wild shit.
It's probably karma.
Yeah, he does.
He looks like a little fingerling
potato in this photo.
Know what I'm saying?
He actually looks like a whale dick.
MERO: Yo!
Low key with a goatee.
DESUS: Actually, it looks like a beluga.
[LAUGHTER]
Yo, that's the end of the warmup, motherfuckers.
Now let's start the show.
[APPLAUSE]