- Did you see "Game of Thrones" this week?
Does Jon Snow make my kitten purr?
Spoiler alert,
YES!
[PURRING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Honey, I'm about to break out that Restylane, because
the filler episodes are back.
Oh my god, at the beginning, Jon Snow
is giving me full on beach boy realness,
catching all the waves en route to Key Westeros.
- And then, he sees his old college pal
Munch Munch, who is still calling
him his nickname from college.
- The bastard of Winterfell.
- The dwarf of Casterly Rock.
- Christina tries to appeal to Jon Snow
by reciting her favorite Tori Amos lyrics.
- I've been chained and betrayed,
raped and defiled.
- Back in King's Landing,
Jared Let Himself Go had some real talk with brother D.
- Does she like it gentle or rough?
A finger in the bum?
- So most people would think it'd be really
awkward to ask someone how to fuck your sister,
but he breezes right on through it.
- You know what, I'm really into that part
right up until the butthole shaming.
Every booty hole is deserving of love.
And honey, the irony of vintage Mia Farrow killing
her Kartrashian ass with a poison lip kit,
not lost on me for a minute. - No.
♫ Miss her, kiss her, love her.
♫ Wrong move you're dead.
♫ That girl is poison.
- And nothing gets a vintage Mia Farrow hotter
than unhealthfully processing her grief.
She opens those big fat murder lips
and smothers the d of brother D.
[SLURPING SOUNDS]
- It's Fuck Watch 2017--
Incest is Best Edition.
Christina Aguilera, she's like, I got some dragon glass.
But I'mma also give you some dragon ass.
- You better get to work, Jon Snow.
- And meanwhile, Sansa Fierce
gives her best Anna Wintour devil wears
wolf quality control story.
- Are they covering those breastplates in leather?
- No, my lady.
Well, shouldn't they be?
- Oh.
And by the way, the broach count was out of control this week.
Broach, broach, broach, broach, broach.
- And then out of nowhere, Baby Miss Cleo
is back from college.
And honey, he was tripping balls on that ayahuasca.
He learned the most.
- I'm the Three-Eyed Raven.
It means I can see everything.
It's all pieces now.
When the long night comes again, I need to be ready.
- I don't know what that means.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, and then baby Barack Obama
leads an army of Shredder cosplayers in operation
"Shawshank Deception."
[MORGAN FREEMAN] Went through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness
I can't even imagine.
- Only to find out that the rest of his troops
have full on been Dunkirked by Jared Let Himself Go.
And then ultimately at the end, we've
got Highgarden Maggie Smith.
She's doing the most in her grandma den,
listening to her end of life care options under Trump Care.
- Whipping you through the streets
and beheading you in front of the Red Keep, flaying you alive
and hanging you from the walls of Kings Landing.
- But before she dies,
she's reclaiming her time.
Your sister, she's a disease.
I'd hate to die like your son, clawing at my neck.
He really was a cunt, wasn't he?
Tell Cersei.
I want her to know it was me.
♫ That girl is poison.
Woo, girl, you better fuck me with this blow dry.
Giving me Melisandre realness.
I'm going to fuck someone with this hair.
Where are--
- -uh, my dragons?
[LAUGHTER]