[electronic version of "Little Drummer Boy"]
[fizz, sip]
Aahhh!
[typing]
So today's game...
I have no idea how I got it.
Seriously, it just showed up in my download folder one day.
I swear, I had never heard of it, much less sought it out.
And yet, here it is!
Presumably because I was trying to download some other Christmas game
and it was mislabeled.
Or I was hopped up on too much egg nog or something, but...
Whatever, man.
Let's take a look at it.
Snowboard Santa,
developed by Smooth Enterprises
and distributed by Crocodile Software in 2002.
This was actually a one-man production,
headed up by a game named Joe Smooth.
Wow. What a chill name.
I'm sure he gets invited to all the parties.
I like to imagine it's THIS guy behind the game,
but I'm sure he's even more awesome than this.
Anyway, the game was released as freeware on the Crocodile Software website,
and apparently won all sorts of awards,
including four Gold Disks from Golden Shareware,
Game of the Year from IGN,
beating out games like Morrowind and Battlefield 1942,
as well as the Galactic Achievement Award
from the Glurglemarg Lizard People.
Well, one of those is true at least.
Snowboard Santa begins with Santa, snowboarding,
as well as a forgettable story
to set up absolutely nothing of importance to the game.
As freakin' usual for Santa, there's trouble in the air.
This time it's his reindeer.
Their sick!
That can only mean one thing:
Santa must deliver the world's presents on a snowboard!
Of course.
Not only that, there are evil elves and bombs out there,
put in place by Dr. Death.
Wait, Jack Kevorkian?
I guess Santa is getting pretty old now,
so the death doc is just doing his part
to help speed along the inevitable.
Press Space to be greeted with a North Pole weather report,
and here's a shocker:
it's COLD!
Get ready and you're off,
snowboarding away as only Santa Claus can.
And by that, I mean it's nothing special at all.
You're just playing an incredibly simplistic snowboarding side-scroller with a Santa sprite.
Right moves forward, Space jumps,
and the M and K keys do some basic tricks.
That's it!
Merry Christmakwanzakkah New Year,
and to all a good night.
Ugh. Okay.
So I guess there's a bit more, but honestly, there's not much.
In the top-left, you have three decapitated Santa heads
which equate to three lives,
as well as a health bar,
which can be replenished by collecting...
...something.
While you can get extra lives, they are few and far between,
so chances are you'll die off pretty quickly.
Why?
Because you're an idiot.
You see all these shiny stars floating around?
They're there to entice you to be an idiot.
A total reckless idiot.
Santa has absolutely no need for stars, as far as I can tell,
but he's greedy, so he wants them any way.
As such, so do you.
I guess they're not entirely pointless, since they do give you points,
but it wins no points for originality, I'd like to point out.
Get to the end of a level and smack into a house
and, YAY, on to the next level of pretty much the same thing.
The same stars, the same jumps, the same basic backgrounds
that weirdly move even when you're not moving at all.
And, yes, the same enemies over and over,
like the previously mentioned evil elves and bombs, as well as...
birds.
WHY?!
What do birds have against Santa?
First in Sint Nicolaas, and now in Snowboard Santa.
Except these birds are flying dicks and nothing more.
No dropping extra health or bouncing off them.
They just smack into you, causing pain.
And because of the way the snowboarding movement works
and the way the enemies just kind of float wherever the want to through the scenery,
it's a serious pain making it through this without issue.
And, yes, it's an arcade game. That's the idea. I know that.
But while the game is charmingly simple at first,
it quickly just becomes irritating to me.
What do I care, though? It's a free Christmas game,
and these being a bit lackluster isn't exactly newsworthy.
Snowboard Santa functions. It's fun for a few minutes
and the music is actually pretty freakin' cool.
Not the most Christmasy I've ever heard,
but some of the tunes are just head-bobbingly enjoyable.
So, if you want a game that's...
...uh, this, this right here, and nothing more,
give this a download. It's free.
You've got nothing to lose except a few minutes of your life
And you've already done that by watching this video.
There, aren't you in the Christmas spirit now?
I know I am!
Time to eat some mistletoe
and lynch the yule log,
or whatever it is I'm supposed to do this time of year.
Have a happy selection of holidays,
and I'll see you in 2014.
Want some more videos on Christmas games,
but mostly non-Christmas games,
because that's what comprises the other eleven months of the year?
Click these to see some of them!
Or just subscribe to be notified when more come out,
since I do these every week.
And as always, thanks for watching.