-Chelsea Handler. Come on.
-Oh, my God. Hi, you guys!
-Yeah, oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
They love you. -Hi, guys!
Look at this handsome array of men.
-Yeah, we do have a good crew over there.
-There's a party over there. -Yeah, it is. It is.
I want to get into "Revolution,"
your stand-up special on Netflix.
It's fantastic.
But first, we have things to cover.
You're hosting the Critics Choice Awards.
-I am. Sunday night. We gotta keep the vibes fun.
[ Cheers and applause ] -That's fun.
-I'm excited. Yeah.
I mean, people are safer now around me,
since I've been to therapy.
They don't have to fear, you know?
I'm not gonna go in there and skewer people.
I think it needs to be a really fun night.
You do it really well. -Yeah. Oh, thank you.
-And I'm gonna just copy what you do.
-Oh, that's perfect. That's Sunday night then.
-Yeah, Sunday night. Critics Choice Awards.
I'm really excited. That's gonna be fun.
-But then, also, if you love Chelsea Handler like I do,
you get to see more of you.
You're also guest hosting on "The Daily Show."
-Oh, yes. I'm excited about that, too.
[ Cheers and applause ] -People are talking about that
'cause, they're like, that's gonna be great.
-Yeah, I have a lot of people that I need to go off on
in, like, a public forum, so I'm gonna save it.
and skip this Critics Choice Awards for that
because these are Hollywood people.
You know how sensitive everyone is.
And then I'm just gonna go straight for the jugular
when I get over to "The Daily Show."
-When you do your special -- "Revolution," by the way --
when you do that, you talk about your family.
You're very specific. You talk about
a lot of people in your family. -Yes.
-Do they get upset? And they go,
"Hey, wish you didn't bring that up"?
-No, I give them a warning now. As I've learned over the years,
it's more sensitive of me to tell them that it's happening
before it happens, but still do it.
[ Laughter ] And like I said to my nephew,
I said this time I have a whole run about him.
-It's so funny. -And I told him when he
came to see me perform, I said, "Listen, Jakey --"
he's my firstborn nephew, so, you know, he's sensitive, too.
And I said, "There's a bit about you,
and it's not pleasa-- you know, it's not flattering."
And he said, "Okay." And then he saw the show.
And then afterwards, I said, "So how did you feel about that?"
'Cause if it's a real issue, maybe we can discuss
pretending to take it out.
And he was like, "No, everything you said was true."
And I was like, "All right. Way to man up. Great."
-Wow, he grew up a little bit. -Yeah.
-But you also -- you talk about family.
You poke fun at yourself a lot in this special.
I told you some jokes that I love backstage.
But can you explain the one where you went to Africa?
-Well, okay. The reason why --
I'm very outspoken about not wanting to be a parent
because I don't think I have the skills that --
you know, I'm not equipped with what it takes to answer
all of those questions to children,
because they don't just ask you once.
They come in and in and in.
I have enough nieces and nephews to know that I don't have
the tolerance for that kind of line of questioning
about things that I really don't even know the answers to.
And at a certain age, when you don't know answers to questions,
it's too embarrassing to ask questions, you know?
You just have to pretend you know.
And I talk about a story that I didn't know -- and this is true.
I didn't know until I was 40 years old
that the sun and the moon were not the same thing.
[ Laughter ]
-I found this hard to believe.
What are you talking about?
-It was shocking to me, as well. I mean --
[ Laughter ] -Of course.
It must have been more shocking to you.
-I was like -- I was in Africa. We were on safari.
My sister and I were riding an elephant,
and there was a man riding an elephant for us
because we don't know how to ride an elephant.
And my older sister, Simone, looked up at the sky,
and she said, "Chelsea, Chelsea, look up.
It's not often you get to see the sun
and the moon at the same time." -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-And I was like -- I was like Scooby-Doo.
I'm like, "Ruh, wah?" I said, I go, "Wait.
But they're always together." And as soon as I said that,
she turned around, and she goes, "What did you say?"
And I was like, "Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up."
[ Laughter ]
I knew what I said I was wrong. -Giddyup, elephant.
-I was like, "Let's canter. Is that what an elephant does?"
-Oh, my God. -And she looked at me,
she goes, "I need you --"
And I just tried to gloss over it.
I was like, "Never mind what I said.
I know." And she said, "No. I need you to tell me
what you think is happening between the sun and the moon."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "Honestly, I just assumed
when the sun went down, it popped back up as the moon,"
you know? [ Laughter ]
-Did a little costume change. [ Laughter ]
-I'm like, "Is that not what's happening?"
The man riding the elephant spoke no English and went,
"Pfft!" [ Laughter ]
And he's just like, "Another dumb American," you know?
-You also talk about your dogs. -Yeah, you have a dog, Gary.
I talk about my dog, Gary.
But I didn't know you had a dog, Gary.
-How big is your dog, Gary? -Well, Gary --
I know also a reason I shouldn't have children
is because I've rescued nine dogs in my life.
Thank you. That's sweet.
Thank you, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
And I've returned four.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh.
My goodness.
-And Gary was a return to sender.
So, I got a Bernese mountain dog.
I went to a dog show in London,
and I saw a Bernese mountain dog.
And I have a type. I like dogs --
I don't want to be -- I don't like overactive dogs.
I like them to be overweight and lazy.
-Okay. That's your type of dog.
-I don't want to go for hikes or walks or any of that, really.
I just want to get home, you know, snuggle at the end
of a long day, and then when it gets too hot be like,
"Get the hell off of me." That's what I'm looking for.
So, yeah, I got a dog -- I saw a Bernese mountain dog.
And, you know, as you know, when you're a celebrity,
you can't buy dogs.
You have to rescue all of your animals.
You have to.
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
[ Laughter ]
So I said to my assistant, "You need to find me
a used Bernese mountain dog." [ Laughter ]
And he -- it was impossible.
So, I ended up buying this dog, and he came into my life.
And he was a puppy, and he was exactly the opposite
of everything I was looking for.
He ate everything. He jumped on everything.
My other two dogs moved upstairs as soon as he came home.
They didn't come down for two days.
They were like, "Let us know when Gary's gone."
[ Laughter ]
-They didn't want any part of it.
-Yeah. So, I had to give Gary to another person
because I couldn't handle the situation.
And, yeah. So, I'm not --
And I know that you can't do that with babies, you know?
-No. [ Laughter ]
-Especially if you're a public person.
You will definitely get caught. [ Laughter ]
-But there's a happy ending for Gary.
-Gary lives with a woman named Teresa.
She sends -- I pay for his clothing and education and --
[ Laughter ]
-His clothing. -Yeah, yeah.
He's a really smart dresser.
What's up with your dog, Gary? What kind of dog is it?
-It's a golden retriever, and she's just the best, nicest dog.
My dog doesn't bark. -But why is her name Gary?
-She was on the show -- She was an actor puppy.
-Okay. -And her name was Gary.
We didn't have time to get a female or male dog.
-Okay. Well, great.
Well, everything's fluid now anyway.
She's right on time. [ Laughter ]
-She's a very topical dog. That's true, it is very --
It makes sense. Before we show --
Before we show a clip from your special,
would you like to set this up?
-Oh, yes. This is a perfect example.
So, my brother was seeing my show.
You run the show several -- a hundred times
before you film it for your special, usually.
So, my brother kept coming to shows, my older brother,
one of my older brothers, and he said, he goes,
"You're talking about Simone, our sister, a lot in your act."
And I said, "Are you jealous?" He goes, "Well, I mean,
you should share the love." I'm like, "Oh, you want me to
write a joke about you? 'Cause I can."
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-And then this is -- this is that joke.
-Okay, here we go.
-I was with my brother the other day, and I said,
"Why are you even a parent?"
[ Laughter ]
I said, "You're not very good at it."
[ Laughter ]
He said, "Chelsea, I had to think about my legacy."
I said, "Who are you talking to? Is someone behind me?
What are you talking --" [ Laughter ]
"You want to think about your -- who the [bleep] are you
to think about your legacy?
Who do you think you are..." [ Laughter ]
"...that people are waiting to see what you leave behind
on this Earth?
Your legacy is that you're my [bleep] brother."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, come on!
"You want to be in the act?
You want to be in the act, buddy?
I'll put you in the act."
Chelsea handler, everybody!
"Revolution" is streaming now on Netflix.
We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.