Hi, my name is Stephanie and today I want to talk to you about autistic masking. I
was diagnosed with autism late, actually at age 23, and this is the case for a lot
of females on the spectrum. And that's because we're good at something called
masking. That basically means hiding our traits and acting like others.
While everyone masks somewhat, you know, in public, masking for someone on the
spectrum is a lot more frequent and takes a lot more energy. So, the problem
with masking is, well, one, it's exhausting and two, it can kind of come off as
though the person who is doing it isn't necessarily genuine. And that is because
we tend to, kind of, look and copy what we see. So, we might think to ourselves, oh I
remember so-and-so doing X, Y, & Z in a situation similar to this, and so that
can sometimes make us kind of come off as awkward and weird because it not all
the time fits the particular situation we think it might apply to. Or, a lot of
times, we're kind of opened up to bullying because people will kind of set
a social situation up or a situation with sarcasm that's not super overt so
we get made fun of and we don't really understand why. And a lot of times we can
kind of mask and try to copy what other people have done and it just
doesn't fit in the situation. So, I think masking benefitted me a lot when I
was younger, and I guess even now. I was pretty convinced I was fairly normal to
an extent and it wasn't until one of the ends of the year in middle school that I
realized that I was the weird kid. Some boys had come up and they were like
shoving another boy forward saying, oh you like her, you like her. And he was
kind of, like, disgusted. And was like, oh I don't like her. And the reason I know
that I was the weird kid was because I'd seen the situation before, where there
was this boy and he was kind of weird and he would, like, hug everybody every
single day or something. It was just kind of weird.
I don't know. So, the girls, what they would do is they'd be like, oh you like
him, you like him. Just to get them to, like, freak
out and respond and that's what they were doing to him but I was the weird
one. So, maybe I wasn't as good at masking as I thought I was. I don't know. And I'm
not exactly sure that I'm all that great at masking to this day and that's
probably because the different demands that I experience in life can really
drain my energy. So, trying to put up a little front and mask for people and
stuff like that ... it's difficult. But I can do it for short amounts of time. So, I
try to limit my time with people as much as I can, especially on Sunday mornings
at my church. Something about, like, standing there, flailing your arms to new
people because you don't know what you're doing in the situation is
probably a little bit off-putting. This is where I really need trusted people
around me, preferably people who are better at social interactions than, maybe,
I am. I've noticed that I tend to follow people. Like, literally, physically follow
people, and also follow their actions. So this can kind of get annoying to people.
Sometimes, my husband's been kind of irritated because I don't necessarily
take the lead, like, ever or go first. So, like, for example in a buffet line, I
don't want to go first. I want someone else to go in front of me
that I trust because I know that they're gonna do, like, the right thing in this
situation. So I can copy them and do what they're doing. I used to not really think
of that like, consciously. Like, oh, I'm gonna watch this person as they do
something. But as time has passed, I've begun to realize, like, if I am told to go
first, it flips me out because I don't know what to do. I want someone else to
be able to, like, show me what I'm supposed to do so I can just model their
behavior; I can just copy their behavior. And when I first was looking at autism
or Asperger's, I didn't really think that applied to me. I've read about, like,
behavior modeling and, you know, copying stuff, people and masking and stuff
like that, and the way it was presented was like, oh, they study others. And so in
my head, I have, you know, I had to have like a pen and paper out like, oh, this is
what they do. That's not necessarily the case for me. It's a
very unconscious effort, but when I lack the people to see and to watch to know
what to do, it becomes apparent because suddenly it's like I don't know how to
function in this space. I don't know what I'm doing and it is very, very unpleasant.
And with some people, when I got closer to them, I would let them see my stims
and I didn't know that they were stims. So, it was kind of interesting because I
thought that they didn't do those things because it wasn't the right thing to do
in public, or something. Maybe it wasn't very refined. So, when we were by
ourselves, like, and I'm, like, going in circles or just doing things that are
kind of weird and out of the ordinary, I legitimately thought that they were just
acting too good because I thought that they did that in private. I thought that
they did that, maybe, with their close friends or, like, in private or something.
But they didn't. They, they don't do what I do. And that would really strike me as
weird because I sincerely thought, like, everybody does this, they just don't do
it in public. Unlike me, they are not pretending all the time. They are not
forcing a genuine sounding laugh at things that are quite frankly
unamusing. I'm sure people do that in some settings, but I don't think that they do
it as much as I do. They don't have to worry about, like, if
they're standing in the right place. If they're in someone's way. If they're
bothering someone by the proximity. They don't think about that stuff. They don't
worry about, literally, just how their body exists in space with others, or the
next thing to say, or how to decipher when people say ,hey, how are you while
they're walking by. Because it's a question, so, I, I'm supposed to answer it,
but then they just keep walking and then I'm like ... I guess you're supposed to say
how are you back, by the way. I think that's how this happens. I don't know. My
response is usually, good, what about you, because it's fast. So, yeah,
and it answers the question. And I don't know, maybe other people feel this way,
but for a long time, I'd have to worry about whether what I was saying was
being spoken too fast or if what I'm saying is, like, boring everyone else and
a lot of the times I can't tell because I'm way too wrapped up in talking about
it. But I feel like it's interesting to realize that there are so many things
that I'm concerned about in social situations that other people just aren't.
They don't have to worry about, like, hiding certain behaviors or acting like
so and so, because it's just natural to them and it's not natural to me. So, I
thought I'd just share my experience with masking with you all and hope that
that makes a little more sense to you because if you were like me, it kind of
seemed to be like people had to literally be, like, really creepily, like,
sitting in a corner, writing down every movement someone made and that's how
they studied people and saw what they did and copied it or whatnot. And that
also might be just a case of me taking things literally. So, whatever. If you
don't have that problem, cool for you. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you did,
go ahead and give it a thumbs up. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below
and, of course, if you're not already subscribed to me, please do so. I post
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hear from me, and I hope you're having a wonderful week. Bye!