Stop right there,
if you want a relationship
if you're dating or entertaining
the idea of starting to date,
this is a video you need to watch.
Because I need you to understand these
five very important questions
you need to ask yourself
before you start dating.
My name is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks,
your certified relationship
and dating coach,
here to provide you with
dating and relationship advice,
this is going to be for the men and the women
and again, it's going to be the
five questions to ask
before you start dating.
Now, before we begin as always
be sure to like this video, share it,
subscribe to this channel,
and comment below
give me your feedback. What's the question
you think you should ask?
Now listen,
I know you might be thinking,
are these questions to ask them?
No, no, no,
these are questions to ask yourself
because I need to make sure that,
before you jump into the dating pool
or if you have already
that you're well equipped
to get the best results possible.
And a lot of people are
overlooking certain steps
or undermining
themselves with negative
or improper mindsets
that aren't going to allow them to
see the best out of their experience
or actually get with someone,
who they can have an
amazing relationship with.
So, it's very important that
we do our due diligence
before we step back out there,
and start to expose ourselves
to the world of dating and relationships.
So, again, with no further ado
let's get right into it.
Five questions to ask yourself
before you start dating.
Question number one,
do you believe good men
or good women exist?
Here's why this question
is extremely important.
If you have the mentality
that there are no good men
or there are no good women
then you are almost without a doubt
going to end up with a
bad man or a bad woman.
You are going to almost without a doubt
end up in a toxic relationship.
Because if your mind is telling you,
that good does not exist
and you're going to enter
into the dating pool,
then you're going to entertain
and engage with mediocre,
bad and toxic
because to you
there's no better than this.
To you, I might as well accept
this nonsense because it's only other
nonsense waiting for me out there.
You have to make sure you believe
the good even exists in this world.
This is going to help
guard you or keep you away
from entertaining people
you should not entertain.
And I see it happen all the time,
I see it happen with people who are
currently in a relationship.
Where they rationalize
staying in this bad relationship
because they don't believe
good relationships exist.
They don't believe they
can actually find better.
So, why leave what I know
for something new that's
going to be just as toxic and damaging.
But that's the wrong mindset
there are great men out there,
there are great women out there.
The crazy thing is
a lot of people just don't
recognize good when they see it.
And unfortunately that's
because a lot of people,
have been hurt,
have not healed from their past
and essentially that brokenness
does not allow them
to embrace the good when
it's in front of them.
And so, what can happen a lot of
dating experience is that,
when you actually meet someone
who is good and great.
You don't believe it
you're questioning everything about them
they're too good to be true
and before you know it,
you will sabotage
the situation
and undermine your ability
to actually have a successful
relationship with them.
And you will
almost without a doubt,
go run to someone else
who is toxic because
it's actually
safer there emotionally,
because you know the negative
that they're putting out.
And you're expecting that negative
when you think only negative exists
but someone is showing you good,
you swear they're setting you up
for something really bad.
So, instead you become
much more anxious
and much more uncomfortable
in that situation
and safer in the toxic situation.
I do not want that for you.
So, you need to make sure
that you change that mindset first
and you believe that
good men and women exist
before you start dating.
The second question to ask
before you start dating is,
can I make time for them?
So, here's the other
one of the other issues
I’m noticing with so many people.
They say they want a relationship,
they want that person in their life
but when you actually
look at their life,
there is really no time and room
for that person.
At least, not in a way that allows you
to pour into that person's needs
and make sure that you're available
for them when they need you.
What you're actually looking for
is someone to fit
into your life
and be convenient to you.
What you're looking for
is for them to make sure
they meet your needs
but you're overlooking the effort
you will have to put forth for them.
And that is a recipe for disaster
every single time.
Now listen, I understand
we all get lonely,
we all want someone there
but we have to
ask ourselves,
Can we make time for them?
Can we be flexible for them?
We cannot just expect them
to be flexible for us,
we cannot just expect them
to be convenient to us.
Can we work with them
and create an environment
where we're both
getting what we need.
And if we cannot at this moment
then stop.
Do not move forward with trying to date,
move forward with trying to create
better life balance.
Try to create room for someone.
Now you may say, well, listen,
I’ll create the room
when I find someone to put in it.
You can't do it like that
because the reality is that,
if you wait for that time
by the time they appear,
you'll be scrambling trying to make it work
and you may not know how to.
You may be too deep in the hole
to pull yourself out of it.
The best thing for you to do is,
create time now
and even if that time is not
filled by a romantic partner,
let that time be filled with me time.
Let that time be filled with
hobbies and passions and pursuits
and things that you can enjoy in life.
Let that time be
filled with relaxation
and rest because
you need it, all right.
And hell you're going to need it
even when you find them.
So, you still need to create
room for that regardless,
but at the very least
if you create time
and balance in your life now
that you can now give
to the things that make you happy.
When someone that you meet
that makes you happy
or adds to your happiness
because you got to make yourself happy first.
When someone you meet
after your happiness comes along,
now they can slide right in,
smooth transition,
we don't have any problems.
We already have a structure to our life
that allows us to have the proper balance
to pour into our relationships,
to pour into ourselves
as well as our careers and
anything else we have going on.
So, make sure you ask yourself
do I have time to give them
and this relationship that I desire.
The third question to ask yourself
before you start dating is,
do you believe in real love?
So, this kind of goes
hand in hand with number one
in believing good men and women exist.
In the sense that
if you don't
believe in real love
in genuine love
then you will accept things that are
falling way short of that.
You will accept things
that may look like love,
infatuation, attachment,
unhealthy attachment
to be specific, all right.
Even obsession in some situations,
but you will fall short of
genuine love because you're
not believing it exists.
And so, you will replace
that with these toxic things
that will only create more
problems in your life.
So, again, you have to make sure
that if you want positive results,
if you want to make sure you
end up in the right relationships
and healthy successful relationships,
you have to believe in
actual genuine love.
You have to believe in
positive healthy relationships.
And I know it's a struggle for a lot of people
because many of you have
never seen that in your life
many of you have
no proper examples
of healthy relationships
and I would encourage you
to go research these things.
Hell, if you got to look at documentaries
on love if you got to watch
TV shows that interview
different people,
couples who genuinely love each other.
Whatever you can do
to start creating,
that positive image in your mind
and start believing it's out there
I need you to set
that foundation first
before you start dating
because again, without it
you will accept the imitations
you will accept the things that are
actually unhealthy attachments
and will only wreak havoc in your life.
So, make sure you have
that foundation there.
And I feel the need to mention this
for those of you who are believers.
You know, I’m a firm believer
that God is love, all right.
And so, if you believe God
and you believe that God wants the best for you,
then know that God wants you to have
genuine real love in your life.
And so, you have to include God
in the process of your dating.
Again, this is a side note
for those who do believe,
you've got to understand that
you can include God in work,
in health, but when it
comes to relationships
no, Lord I'll take care of it myself.
Like, we can't do that,
you've got to make sure He's
included in all aspects of your life.
Because that again,
sets the proper
foundation for success
in your relationships and ensuring
that you end up with the right
person and not the wrong one.
So, now to piggyback off that,
number four, the fourth question
to ask yourself
before dating is,
do you love yourself?
Do you truly love yourself?
The last thing
I want any of you to do
is to try to start dating,
when you don't have a foundation
of self-love in your life.
Because again, if you notice
everything I'm mentioning on this list
is about ensuring
that you have the foundation
that allows you to end up in
healthy successful relationships.
Because when you overlook these things,
you will almost without a doubt
end up in the wrong relationship.
So, when you don't have a
healthy level of self-love,
you are going to tolerate
people who don't truly love you.
You are going to tolerate
people who mistreat you,
you are going to accept
less than you deserve
and that's the last thing
I want for any of you.
So, you've got to make sure
you truly love you.
Now, understand this
loving you doesn't simply mean,
I love who I am,
flaws and all and I’m good.
Yes, that's a piece of the puzzle
to a certain extent,
but loving you also means
I want to bring the best out of me.
I want to make sure I’m operating
at my highest level
I’m reaching for my
highest potential,
it doesn't mean you're going to be perfect,
it doesn't mean there's not going to
always be room for improvement.
What it means is that you are
striving to be your best you
and that you are trying
to bring your best you to the table
when you are dating, which again,
will increase your ability to receive
the person who's truly best for you.
So, do not accept
mediocrity in areas that
need to be improved.
Do not make excuses for your flaws
out of the name of well, I love myself
just how I am.
If you love yourself,
you want to give yourself the best,
you want to give yourself a higher level,
a higher quality of life.
And that means working and
addressing those issues,
that means taking care...
taking better care of yourself
physically, mentally, emotionally,
that means making sure
that you're not holding on to negative energy.
All of these things encompass you
truly loving yourself
and embracing what you truly deserve.
But not just loving yourself,
know yourself.
Because again, the mistakes
so many people make
before they start dating
or when they start to date
and get in these relationships is
they don't know who the hell they are.
And if you don't know who you are
how do you know who belongs in your life?
How do you know
who you truly match with?
How do you know what's truly best for you?
You won't, you won't
and by the time you figure it out
while you're already in this relationship,
you're going to wake up one day and
say, what the hell am I doing?
How did I end up here?
Why am I with this person?
All right.
We don't need that to be the case,
we need to nip that in the bud
from the beginning.
So, the quicker you can learn yourself
and get a good handle
of who you are, what you need,
what makes you happy,
and what you are willing to
provide in a relationship.
Because please understand again,
relationships aren't just about what we're going to receive,
it's about what we're willing to give.
And so, you have to understand,
where do you draw your line?
What are you unwilling to do
so that if you meet a person,
that you may really like
but they may say well listen,
I want this, this, this and this
and if you know
that you're not that person that
can give those things, all right.
Then we can say okay you know what,
we're just not a good match, it's not a good fit,
it happens, we keep it moving.
Rather than trying to make it work
with someone it'll never work with.
And that's what happens to so many people
because they don't truly know themselves
and they don't truly love themselves.
So, be sure you have
checked that off your list
and you have that covered
before you start dating.
And now, the fifth question
to ask yourself before
you start dating is,
have I healed and
released my baggage?
Listen, I know some of you all are already thinking,
if you've already seen my face right now,
you're already thinking
well, everyone has issues,
we all got problems.
Listen, everyone has
gone through some things.
Everyone at some point
or another has had some issues,
not everyone right now is
holding on to their issues.
People have healed,
people have grown,
people have become better.
So, do not use that
as an excuse do not let
that be your scapegoat.
You need to look yourself in the mirror
and address any lingering issues
you need to release that
baggage and make sure
you're not projecting
past negative outcomes
onto your present,
onto your future.
You're not holding this
new person responsible
for something they have nothing
to do with, all right.
It wasn't their fault
but you're bringing it to them
because you have not
released it from your past.
And now you are sabotaging
your ability to have successful
dating and relationships.
So, it is important
that you take responsibility
men and women to heal.
Go to a counselor, go to a coach,
do what is necessary.
Get my book, love after heartbreak
I had to throw it in because it just
you know, it just makes sense.
Get the book Love After Heartbreak,
I have the link in the description,
in the comment section,
it gives you the steps to healing.
Do what you need to do,
but do not make excuses
for your baggage
also understand this,
even if you want to believe
with all your heart
that everyone is walking around
with some kind of issue
well, then would still counter that by saying,
not everyone's issue
is going to be detrimental to a relationship.
So, basically it's one thing where
some people may have an issue with procrastination.
But that procrastination
is not going to destroy
the relationship with the person
that they would end up with.
However, someone else may have an issue that
stems from their childhood
that will without a doubt directly
impact their relationship
or directly impact their ability
to be with the right person.
And increase the chances of them
being with the wrong person.
So, again, sometimes
these issues aren't about
just how they affect us
within the relationship.
It's how they affect us
in who we choose.
Who we allow ourselves to entertain,
how we may become
so accustomed to dysfunction
that we will only choose
dysfunctional people to be with.
This is what happens
to so many individuals.
So, you've got to make sure
you address these things
for your own sake
first and foremost,
but yes, for the sake of
any potential relationship
that you're going to be in.
So that you can live life
at a higher level.
Hey, thank you for watching this video.
Be sure to check
this one out right here.
And I'll see you there.
Listen, nobody likes to get played.
It can be one of the worst
feelings to ever experience.
To have someone
play games with you,
give you to run around,
use you and abuse you,
only to end up in a...