hi aj mahari here keeping it real to help you heal
gotta feel your fear and pace your feelings feel your fear
and do it anyway make the choice to get into healing and recovery in therapy
after a cluster b relationship of any type adult child family of origin sibling favorite
person friend boyfriend girlfriend husband wife the significant other relationships
but not excusing what happens for people with bpd at all or the way that they hurt others and
but they're not all the same and they don't all do the same amount of damage to some as many many do
but i think it's time that you know unless you're new to this people with codependency who
are still in this game uh needing the borderline wanting the borderline i still love that person
do you realize what that really means that you love
an abuser in more cases than not personal bp will be abusive in one way or another
so you're loving an abuser and do you think that's brand new in your life
for most people with codependency uh-uh because there was some intermittent reinforcement to abuse
in your childhood and it might not have been overt abuse might not have even been a malicious
form of abuse so if you have codependency and you're not in the beginning of this and you
understand what's going on with people with bpd especially untreated or even if they've
had treatment but like they were they were going to therapy but they weren't really working on it
so what people with bpd need to do to him recover they need maybe they could start
with dbt for a year or two but dbt is not a recovery modality for bpd psychodynamic
therapy is so better you know transference focus psychotherapy that number one modality
mentalized based treatment may be good too uh schema therapy but dbt is not going to take people
with bpd to the depths of finding out who they really are into what is involved in bpd recovery
so that's what people with bpd need to do what do people with codependency need to do
why are so many people with codependency you need to go no contact you need to
leave the relationship or if you were ghosted or cheated on or you know what are you doing
loving somebody who's hurting you what is that in codependency because so many people
are still there long after like like if you're brand new to this hey that's different right
you can't know what you don't know until you start to find out about it but when you know better
you owe it to yourself to do better how many people out there with codependency aren't doing
better even though they know better because you're in denial because you just don't want
what is true to be true do you have codependency person you're with has bpd you're in a trauma bond
what are you gonna do about it now because the answer isn't focusing on the borderline some more
the answer isn't running everybody says run from the borderline but does anybody say run to therapy
codependence run to therapy run to do your family abortion inner child core woundiness healing work
nobody says run to that do they just running from the borderline but where are you gonna run to the
next one gonna date right away you're gonna date the next one right away so many people
are doing this over and over and over again but i wanted to just really focus on this video and say
who are you still loving if you're still loving the borderline who doesn't know who they are
and who isn't who you thought they were who are you loving and by the way how are you loving
because except for what happened in your childhood which you may not have any clue
of right now because people repress this stuff so you know whatever happened in your childhood
taught you in one way or another some degree or other some iteration or it's not same for it but
codependency but it taught you that you had to pursue for love do you had to do something
achieve something for like a crumb of attention or there was intermittent reinforcement and this can
happen because of circumstances with parents maybe if you have a cluster b parent maybe you have a
really cold pen and parent really cluster b parent two cluster b parents maybe have decent parents
but like they're having issues and they've had issues in your childhood and it wounded
you and you're not sure what happened it's not always malicious what i'm trying to say but so
are you focusing on that yet are you getting into your own healing and recovery journey in therapy
which is the only way to do it can't do it by yourself i'm speaking from lived experience now
i went through a whole lot of stuff and i had to go to therapy like everybody else to deal with it
and the codependency as well and then after i human recovered from vp when i had
a couple cluster b relationships when i wasn't a cluster b i'm not a cluster b anymore that is
very possible for people with bpd and it's it's just such a tragedy that more people don't go the
long haul in psychodynamic therapy specifically for bpd there's a lot of different changes being
made to that structurally functionally that can help a tremendous amount of people with bpd but so
many of them won't go and get the help and i would say to you so if you're still loving this person
that abuse you that hurt you in a trauma-bonded relationship and you don't yet see that you're a
part of that as well you're not not a part of how they hurt you but you are a part of that
dynamic in the relationship who are you still loving and i've done a video where i were asked
this question a few times before but in this one i hope i'm giving a little bit of a different
perspective because who are you loving in the sense of never mind the borderline isn't who
you thought he or she was but why do you have such a wayward unhealthy dysfunctional loyalty
to want to do everything you can for this person who isn't who you thought they were
who you're still loving somehow while they make your life more painful more painful more painful
more miserable more miserable more miserable but you still love them who are you loving
you know it's been said out there i've heard it somewhere read it
that maybe codependents have fallen in love with themselves because the borderline mirrored
idealized and mirrored you to you because they don't have any identity well that's interesting
and maybe it bears a little bit of thinking about for a second or two but after that not
really because people with codependency don't love themselves that's the base issue you know so if
you're still loving that person with bpd or you're you're still pursuing them or you're start trying
to fix and help them why should they go to therapy if you're in an if you're an untreated codependent
and and the bottom line is doesn't even matter because these are trauma bonds and they're not
going to work out can i just reiterate again where there is abuse there is an utter absence of
anything remotely to do with love there is no love and there is no healthy emotional intimacy between
a codependent untreated in a borderline untreated and not everything is about the borderline okay
maybe more is you know people go through hell but you have there's a reason that you're codependent
that's what you need to get into therapy to find out because the way i work with clients it's a
multi-layered process of dealing with the acts with bpd or npd or whatever and and or family
abortion issues and and probably both and then and then the the you know your childhood issues
and wounded inner child healing and many other aspects of what this recovery really entails
but what people with codependency need to hear but probably don't want to hear
is that you might have it all going on in your life with reason and intellect but you got wounded
in childhood and you don't have it all going on in your emotional landscape and you haven't adulted
emotionally so your iq is wherever it is but your eq is lagging behind and not as much as people
with bpd have a separation between iq and eq but that's true people with codependency as well
so if you're in that place where you know better now about what people at bpd are going through and
how you were treated why would you still want to love an abuser because that's the essence of the
trauma bond by the way there's an abuser and there's unabused and people with codependency
they can abuse also but most people quote pence he was borderline are abused the borderline is
abuser more often than not or the narcissist and the codependent is the abused one and there's a
power differential there that it looks like people with bpd don't have any power in relationship or
you might think they couldn't possibly because you're there to help fix and rescue them
for people with codependency this is repetition compulsion cycles of acting out your trauma
or adverse experience from your childhood you might be thinking what the heck could that be
my mother was great my father was great or my my family my childhood was great well you
know i had a bit i'm not saying the worst ever i had a very abusive childhood and i you know went
no contact from the family of origin and all of that and recently i am no longer the adult child
of either parent etc but when i was in therapy somewhere around two three four years into therapy
social worker asked me a question if i was working with a social worker ask me
could have been a psychologist can't remember i asked me a different kind of a question
in a different kind of a way than i never heard before but they were asking about my childhood
but it was just asking different way and because i wasn't aware because i had suppressed so much
and repressed the difference between suppressing and repressing i'd done both
i said i had a great childhood nothing could have been further from the truth i see clients
have been working with clients for 31 years i see clients who come to me they that's what
they say too i had a great childhood till we start looking at it doesn't mean it has to be a horrible
it doesn't mean you're going to end up with the childhood that i had because i knew a lot about
but but why would i answer a question like that when i was like 18 or 19 when i knew it wasn't
true because i was trying to avoid what would come next and i really have to deal with it wouldn't i
people with codependency i mean this with all due respect you're escape artists you've learned how
to be escape artists but you get yourself into traps trauma bonded relationships but you're
trying to escape your childhood family boards and pain that's the repetition compulsion cycle
so who are you still loving if you're still loving the borderline and you know
that they're not who you thought they were because the answer to that question
to be really honest with you you're not loving anybody
and more to the point you're especially abandoning yourself so there's no love for self
so you're not loving anybody else either because they're not who you thought they were
and you're now in allegiance or trauma bond with somebody who's abused you
that can't be healthy right so if you haven't yet made a choice to get into therapy
maybe today is your day and if not today i hope soon for your sake because
you need to find you and you need to get to to find view and heal enough from you'll heal
from the cluster be relationship you'll heal from your childhood family boards and your core wounds
and what that really means is then you'll know who you are and you will identify and create
boundaries learn how to implement them how to be assertive how to stop being conflict
avoidant if that's what you are or or overly drawn to conflict the chaos and the drama well
you know you might you're not addicted to it you might be drawn to it because it's all you knew at
home and maybe not in such an obvious way bottom line is if you still think you love your abuser
don't you think that's a problem that should just outweigh just a little bit more
the way they escaped you the cognitive dissonance the rumination because all of
that is you running from you because you don't know you well enough and you don't love you
so are you projecting out the love that maybe you deserve on to that person with bpd
because who what do you know about love and i mean i mean that with all uh compassion
tough choices for people with codependency but you need to turn and choose you
you can't keep you know pursuing them or other but that's your pattern that's the repetition
compulsion and codependency how you're gonna break that pattern get into therapy get into
healing and recovery so you can break the trauma bond so you can get to the core woundiness
so you can actually know yourself in a healthy functional way emotionally
increase your emotional intelligence and fully emotionally adult to be an independent person
who won't put up with anything like what you've been through ever again because you can think
and believe and feel that you're loving them all you want but that's not what's really happening
a codependent love isn't much healthier than well the fact that borderlines can't love
and can't receive your love so codependent love isn't very healthy it's dysfunctional
and it's because you don't know how to love yourself you really truly have to know how
to love yourself before you can love anyone else and why on earth have you found yourself
in this predicament that you didn't choose you didn't knowingly uh loving an abuser and thinking
that you gotta have more of that abuser you got to get back think about it keeping it real to
help you heal base your fear and get into therapy face your fear and turn to focus on you anyway