>> Reggie: ♪ >> Reggie: HI EVERYBODY.
>> James: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE
"LATE, LATE SHOW," WE'RE SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE HERE, IF YOU
ARE HERE IF ST POINTLESS, IF YOU ARE NOT HERE IT IS POINTLESS,
THAT IS WHAT I REALIZED.
YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYONE.
UNTIL WE SPEAK TO HANK AZARIA, ALTHOUGH HE WOULDN'T BE IN THE
STUDIO, HE WILL BE IN ZOOM, SARA BAREILLES ALSO IN GLOON, BUT
STICK AROUND FOR T LOOK IT UP, THURSDAY, LAST TAPING OF THE
WEEK.
YES, BABY, LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME, HANDS UP, WHO THINKS
THEY'VE GOT THE BEST-- WELL, NO, THAT IS NOT THE GAME.
IT IS NOT A GAME CALLED HANDS UP, OKAY.
WHO-- LIKE TOO LATE, YOU CAN SEE THE JOKE, YOU CAN'T-- YOU ARE A
BETTER COMEDIAN THAN THAT.
>> I THINK YOU NOTICED I ADDED A SECOND HAND.
>> >> James: YOU'VE GOT BIG
HANDS.
>> YEAH.
>> James: I NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE.
HAVE YOU NOTICED IN ALL THE WEIGHT THAT YOU HAVE LOST THAT
YOUR FINGERS ARE THINNER.
>> I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS OFF AIR BUT I DON'T WANT TO
PISS MOAN OFF RIGHT NOW.
>> James: UNDERSTOOD, UNDERSTOOD, VERY WISE, WE COME
IN, LET'S NOT HAVE LAUREN, HEAR AN AUDIBLE SIGH ECHO AROUND THE
STUDIO.
>> I MEAN I'M ON THE FIFTH DAY OF A CLEANSE.
>> James: YOU ARE ON THE FIFTH DAY OF A.
>> [BLEEP] >> James: LAUREN SON THE FIFTH
DAY OF A CLEANSE.
AND WE'VE ALL LIVED THROUGH IT IN A WAY, HAVEN'T WE?
PEOPLE ARE LIKE WHEN IS MY MEETING WITH LAUREN.
CAN SHE MAKE SURE SHE'S HAD OUR POWDERED SOUP?
HERE WE GO, THIS IS IT, HANDS UP WHO THINKS THEY'VE GOT THE BEST
WEEKEND PLANS IN THE ROOM?
WHO THINKS THEY'VE GOT THE BEST PLANS.
HAGAR, WHAT ARE WE DOING.
>> I THINK WE'RE GOING TO THE-- NUDE BEACH IN SAN DIEGO.
>> James: GOING TO THE NUDE BEACH.
>> YEAH.
>> James: ARE YOU GOING TO.
>> YEAH, GOING TO GO FOR IT.
>> James: SEE, CONGRATS.
LOOK, IF I-- THERE IS JUST NOT A CHANCE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I JUST DON'T HAVE THE LEVEL OF SECURITY FOR
WHAT IS HAPPENING DOWN THERE TO BE DOING SUCH A THING.
I JUST DON'T.
>> THE JUICE IS NOT WORTH A SQUEEZE.
>> James: NOT A CHANCE.
THE PROSPECT OF BEING ON A, WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A NATURIST BEACH,
I JUST THINK IT IS A CLASSIER WAY THAN A NUDE BEACH.
>> Reggie: WAY CLASSIER.
>> James: HANG ON, WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?
>> I MET A NEW FRIEND, A MALE FRIEND.
>> James: YEAH.
>> IS.
>> Reggie: IS HE THE GUY THAT COOKS GOOD.
>> HE IS THE GREATEST COOKK HE LIVES BY LAGUNA BEACH, SO IT IS
SORT OF ON THE WAY, SO WE WILL DO A BEACH DAY AND ANOTHER BEACH
DAY.
>> James: SO HANG ON.
TELL ME IF I'M PRYING.
HOW DOES THIS COME UP IN CONVERSATION.
CUZ THE IDEA OF SAYING, YOU KNOW, IN THE BURGEONING
PROSPECTS OF PERHAPS A NEW ROMANCE, I UNDERSTAND SAYING
HEY, THIS WEEKEND, WHY DON'T WE HIT THE BEACH.
WHAT MAN HAS THE LEVEL OF CONFIDENCE TO BE LIKE LET'S HIT
THE BEACH, IT'S A NUDE BEACH.
>> WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE MY FIRST TIME, I THINK HE HAS BEEN THERE,
HE IS KIND OF A FREE SPIRIT, I'M NOT.
>> James: OKAY, BUT YOU ARE READY TO.
>> YEAH, I FEEL READY.
>> James: WOW, CONGRATS.
I THINK, I CAN'T SEE NIBBLES RAISING THEIR HAND AFTER THIS
CONVERSATION.
I REALLY, REALLY CAN'T.
I REALLY CAN'T.
I JUST-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEN, LIKE IN A CHANGING ROOM AT
A SWIMMING POOL WHO ARE JUST LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY
NAKED, START A CONVERSATIO WITH YOU IN A GYM WITHOUT IS YUS LIKE
YEAH, PRETTY WARM OUT THERE, HUH.
AND ARE YOU LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THE MOST.
>> IT'S THE MOST NAKED ANYONE HAS EVER BEEN, TOO, NEWSCASTED
IN THE CHANGING ROOM IN A GYM TKS IS SHOW MORE NAKED THAN THE
DAY WERE YOU BORN.
>> Reggie: YOU ARE RIGHT.
>> James: YEAH, YEAH, I AGREE, I AGREE.
>> YOU SHOULDN'T SEE THE WAY MUSCLES FLEX WHEN SOMEONE-- IT'S
JUST AWFUL.
IF YOU FEEL LIKE A STILL NUDE OR SOMETHING, FINE, I CAN TAKE THAT
IN.
BUT IF SOMEONE IS BENDING OVER, THEN YOU SEE WEIRD THIGH MUSCLES
ENGAGE, OR A SCAR ON THEIR STOMACH ON ALL THAT, UNEVEN BODY
HAIR.
>> James: YEAH.
>> ATLAS OF THE FACT THAT GOD FORGOT ABOUT US, IT'S AWFUL.
>> James: I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEN IN A
CHANGING ROOM WHO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF AND THEN THINK OH, I
SHOULD PROBABLY OPEN MY LOCKER NOW.
AND I'M LIKE WHAT-- LIKE WHEN I AM IN THAT MOMENT, I'M LIKE
OKAY, IT BECOMES A STEALTH OPERATION.
I'M LIKE OKAY, UNDERPANTS, SHOES, TROWSERS, OKAY,
EVERYTHING IS READY, UNDERPANTS ARE THERE, IN THE QUICKEST
DISTANCE, THE QUICKEST DISTANCE, AND THEN I'M LITERALLY HERE.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, THAT'S-- I CAN'T-- I DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DUDES WHO ARE LIKE, WHERE IS MY-- WHERE IS
MY KEY.
DID I LEAVE MY KEY BY THE POOL?
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T-- I WILL NEVER GET IT.
I WILL NEVER, EVER GET IT WELL, HAVE FUN HAGAR.
YOU HAVE REALLY TAKEN US-- YOU'VE REALLY TAKEN US DOWN
A ROAD, AND WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH OF THIS ROAD WILL BE ON
TELEVISION TONIGHT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW.
ANYONE ELSE, ANY PLANS, ANYTHING TO SHARE-- OH, YEAH, GO ON.
>> SUNDAY NIGHT I'M GOING TO LOG ON TO MY L.A. COUNTY JURY PORTAL
AND SEE IF I AM GOING TO JURY DUTY ON MONDAY MORNING.
DOING MY CIVIL-- CIVIC SERVICE.
>> James: IS THAT THE RIGHT NOISE?
I DON'T KNOW.
SO HANG ON, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO BE ON JURY DUTY.
>> YEAH, MONDAY.
AND WE HAVE A SUB LINED UP FOR MONDAY JUST IN CASE CUZ YOU KNOW
I CAN'T BE SURED.
I MIGHT GET PICKED, I MIGHT GET DISMISSED IMMEDIATELY.
IT MIGHT BE A MURDER TRIAL.
I COULD BE THERE FOR MONTHS, WHO KNOWS.
>> James: OH MY GOSH.
>> YEAH.
>> James: O MY GOD, THIS IS SO EXCITING.
YOU DO A LITTLE REMOTE TAPE BIT DOWN THERE?
>> IF I-- I MIGHT GET DISMISSED.
>> James: WHY DON'T YOU FILM THE WHOLE THING.
>> I DON'T THINK THIS IS AS EXCITING AS YOU THINK IT IS.
>> James: HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF OUR TAPES?
THIS IS EXCITING TO ME.
I HAVE ONLY-- I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A PROPER COURT ROOM WITH A JURY,
I HAVE ONLY EVER BEEN IN ONE WHEN I GOT BANNED IF DRIVING.
THREE YEARS AGO, FILMING THE CARPOOL, NO, IT WAS LIKE WHEN
WAS IT, 15-- 20 YEARS AGO, 20 YEARS AGO I GOT BANNED, I GOT
PULLED OVER SPEEDING AND I REPRESENTED MYSELF IN COURT.
BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE A LAWYER AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE, YOU CAN
PAY ME BUT YOU'RE GETTING BANNED.
YOU WERE GOING OVER 100 MILES AN HOUR.
ON A FREEWAY.
NOT LIKE ON A BACK STREET.
IT WAS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO GET BANNED IT IS JUST HOW LONG YOU
GET BANNED FOR.
I'M HAPPY TO BE THERE BUT SO LONG AS YOU KNOW, NO ONE CAN GET
YOU OFF THIS.
AND I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.
I WILL REPRESENT MYSELF IN COURT.
DID IT.
AND I WENT FOR IT.
YOUR HONOR, AND THEY WERE LIKE WE DON'T CALL IT THAT IN HERE.
PRETTY LOW KEY, I BOTHER THE WIG, THE WHOLE THING, YOU KNOW,
AND YEAH.
ANY OTHER NEWS, NOTHING TO REPORT.
HERE IS A QUESTION.
>> WHAT IS-- THAT DECISION.
>> SO I AGREED TO DO SOMETHING WITH SOME COWORKERS WHICH I AM
NOW REGRETTING.
BECAUSE WE AGREED TO DO IT AT 7 A.M. ON SATURDAY AND I JUST GOT
THE REMINDER EMAIL, ME, IAN, CHRIS ALLBRIGHT, ROB AND GAL
AND-- ARE GOING ON A BIKE RIDE, I GOT A REMINDER, REMEMBER, 7
A.M. BIKE RIDE ON SATURDAY.
AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS SWRZ HERE
IS THE THING, I WILL HAPPY LEIGH GO ON A BIKE RIDE WITH YOU AND
IAN, IF SHALL-- GAL IS THERE I AM NOT.
THAT GUY IS A JOKE.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FAR HE RIDES? HE WILL COME IN AND BE LIKE OH,
WENT ON A BIKE RIDE, YEAH 46 MILES.
AND I WILL GO WHAT IS YOUR WAIVE SAY ARE YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE ALL
DAY, NO, NO, I WAS BACK BY 9 A.M.
HANG ON, WHERE ARE WE CYCLING.
>> EVERYONE-- IS AFRAID OF A LOT OF UPHILLS, RIGHT, GIVEIT PARK.
>> LONG STORY SHORT, CHRIS,-- AND ROB ARE GOING ON A
BIKE RIDE THIS WEEKEND.
>> James: THERE IS NO WAY ARE YOU GOING.
>> THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> James: 7 A.M.
>> 7 A.M.
>> HOW MANY MILES.
>> 30.
>> James: OH MY, I WOULD RATHER EAT MY OWN [BLEEP].
DO YOU GET TO GO FOR FOOD AFTER, ROB, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
DO YOU GO FOR FOOD.
>> WE WERE THINK BEING GETTING BREAKFAST AND COFFEE AFTERWARDS,
A LITTLE TREAT.
>> James: YEAH, A LITTLE TREAT, COUPLE BITS OF SPINACH
AND ONE EGG WHITE.
>> DAVE AND I ARE HOPING THE HOSPITAL HAS COFFEE.
>> James: WELL LOOK, THAT'S TWO TAPED BITS FOR LAST WEEK,
ROB.
>> WE GOT TWO TAPE BIERKTS THE BIKE RIDE, JURY DUTY, WE'VE GOT
HAGAR'S BEACH.
YEAH.
THAT'S AMAZING.
>> COOKING NOW.
>> WOULD RATHER GO BECOME THERE.
>> James: YOU HAVE BEEN TO THE NUDE BEACH.
>> YEAH, THE ONE SME IS GOING TO.
>> James: HAVE YOU, HOW IS IT?
>> OH, IT'S GREAT.
>> James: DID YOU.
>> IT WAS ACTUALLY VER LIBERATING.
>> James: DID YOU DO IT?
>> YEAH.
>> James: OH MY GOD, I MEAN WELL CONGRATS.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR GIANT--
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: DAVE, IAN, TH-WACK WELL, LOOK, THE AUDIENCE AT
HOME, THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA, THEY DON'T CARE WHAT WE ARE
DOING THIS WEEKEND.
AMERICA WANTS, AMERICA NEEDS AMERICA NEY DEMANDS THE NEWS.
OH!
♪ DAVE, OH, WOW, THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY EXCEPTIONAL.
>> THAT WAS FOR YOU, MAN.
>> James: THAT WAS EXCEPTIONAL.
GOOD EVENING.
LAST NIGHT, ON A STRICTLY PARTISAN VOTE, HOUSE DEMOCRATS
DEFEATED A REPUBLICAN ATTEMPT TO OFFICIALLY RELAX MASK RULES IN
THE HOUSE.
NICE TO SEE CONGRESS LASER-FOCUSED ON WHAT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT...
THEMSELVES.
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID SHE WON'T CHANGE THE RULES UNTIL
EVERYONE IS VAXXED, WAXED, AND READY TO DISCUSS CAPITAL GAINS
TAX.
THE VOTE CAME ONE DAY AFTER HOUSE REPUBLICANS TOOK THEIR
MASKS OFF AND STAGED A REBELLION ON THE FLOOR.
I'M GOING TO START SAYING THAT WHEN MY KIDS THROW A TANTRUM.
THEY'RE NOT SCREAMING, THEY'RE JUST STAGING A REBELLION ON THE
FLOOR.
EARLIER THIS WEEK PRINCE WILLIAM GOT HIS FIRST SHOT, HOW IS HE
NOW JUST GETTING HIS FIRST DOSE, PRINCE WILLIAM IS SECOND IN LINE
FOR THE CROWN AND APPARENTLY $9 MILLIONth IN LINE FOR THE
PHARMACIST, LET'S SEE THAT PHOTO AGAIN, LOOK AT THAT.
TALK ABOUT A ROYAL KOAFT ARMS I RESPECT ANYONE WHO WEARS A
LONG-SLEEVED SWEATER AND INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OFF, ROLLS IT UP.
I FULLY RESPECT THAT, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT YOU NEED IF YOU
ARE GOING TO BE, YOU KNOWK KING OF THE REALM, I DO BELIEVE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT THE NURSE IS LIKE OKAY, RELAX
YOUR ARM, OKAY, RELAX YOUR ARM, OKAY, STOP FLEXING, WE GET T
DUDE.
IN OTHER NEWS, VOTERS IN FIVE RURAL OREGON COUNTIES HAVE JUST
APPROVED MEASURES TO CONSIDER BREAKING AWAY FROM OREGON, AND
JOINING THE STATE OF IDAHO.
IT'S PART OF A LONG-SHOT GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT TO SECEDE
FROM A STATE DOMINATED BY LIBERAL VOTERS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
AN OREGON TRANSPLANT, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THAT DESERVED
THESE COUNTIES ARE TIRED OF OREGON BEING DOMINATED BY
LIBERAL VOTERS.
SO IRONICALLY, IT'S A GROUP OF CONSERVATIVES, WHO WANT TO
CHANGE HOW THEY IDENTIFY.
I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IDAHO IS ONE OF THE
SHAPES I ABSOLUTELY KNOW FOR SURE ON A MAP OF THE US.
IT'S THIS ONE, RIGHT?
>> IT LOOKS LIKE A LEG OF HAM.
>> I WILL SAY, IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND THE ANSWER IS EVER
IDAHO, I MEAN GOD BLESS YOU.
>> YEAH.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> YEAH.
>> I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR ANY OF THIS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS LIKE ME TALKING TO YOU ABOUT AMATEUR
WANTING TO JOIN.
>> I GET IT.
>> YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING, WOULD YOU HAVE NOTHING, THAT IS WHAT
IT IS LIKE BEING ME.
DOING THIS IMAGINE THAT, IMAGINE YOU SAT BEHIND A DESK AND YOU
WERE HAVING TO TALK ABOUT HOW-- WANTS TO LEAVE BUCKINGHAM
SHIR AND JOIN.
>> THEY WOULD BE RIGHT PISSED OFF THERE, WE CAN BASICALLY FOIL
THE LAST YEAR OF THIS SHOW DOWN TO PETE GIVING US AN INCITE INTO
THE DE BAWCHERY OF HIS LIFE, NICK BESHSTEIN HAVING A
BREAKDOWN WITH PEOPLE DOING ACCENTS.
AND HERE IS A NEW STORY.
>> James: AND, YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE LOCKS COUPLES PUT ON
BRIDGES AND OTHER TOURIST ATTRACTIONS WHILE ON VACATION?
THEY'RE CALLED LOVE LOCKS.
WELL, A WOMAN IN LOS ANGELES HAS MADE HEADLINES AFTER RECENTLY
BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND, AND THEN TRAVELING MORE THAN
SIX-THOUSAND MILES TO SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA -- JUST TO SNIP OFF
THEIR LOCK.
SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON A FLIGHT TO KOREA IS THE PERFECT
WAY TO PROVE YOU'RE OVER HIM.
I GUESS SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND WEREN'T, SEOUL MATES.
GET IT?
SEW MATE, SOALT MACE.
SEOUL MATES.
>> SUSAN.
>> I GOT IT.
I HEAR YOU AND I GOT IT.
>> James: CUZ IF YOU SPELL IT SHALL-- DOESN'T MATTER.
AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS.
THE FROZEN PIZZA BRAND, DIGIORNO, JUST RELEASED A LINE
OF MERCHANDISE THAT INCLUDES PIZZA THEMED JOGGERS, HOODIES,
T-SHIRTS, AND PILLOWS.
HERE THEY ARE HERE: LOOK AT THAT,
AS IF A FREEZER FULL OF DIGIORNO PIZZA DOESN'T ALREADY SCREAM,
I'VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP.
BUT THESE PRODUCTS ARE PERFECT, IF YOU WANT YOUR TINDER DATE TO
SUDDENLY GET A FAKE TEXT AND LEAVE.
AN ENTIRE LINE OF PEPPERONI-COVERED, FROZEN-PIZZA
THEMED ITEMS.
THE DIGIORNO MERCH EVEN COMES WITH ITS OWN NEW SLOGAN:
IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'S DESPERATION.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HANK