>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP HAD A
ROCKY WEEKEND BUT SO DID TRUMP'S CHIEF OF STAFF MICK
MULVANEY, SEEN HERE JUST WAITING FOR THIS HEADLINE, "TRUMP FIRED
HIS CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY."
THIS IS A LITLE SURPRISING BECAUSE BOTH MULVANEY AND TRUMP
JUST ATTENDED THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR
C-PAC, WHERE NOTHING SEEMED AMISS.
HOWEVER, THIS WEEKEND IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT A PERSON WHO
ATTENDED C-PAC HAS A CONFIRMED CASE OF CORONAVIRUS.
OKAY, THAT'S SERIOUS.
I WONDER IF GERMAPHOBE TRUMP BOOTED MULVANEY AFTER SEEING
MULVANEY'S TALK AT C-PAC.
HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS.
( COUGHING ) >> SOMETHING HAPPENS.
I USED TO RUN INTO THIS STUFF.
IT'S NOTING, LOOK AT IT.
WOULD YOU AGREE WITH ME?
IN TERMS OF A STYLE.
, THE LAST 20 -- YOU KNOW WHAT -- THANK YOU.
MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL, I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF A COLD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, WE DON'T KNOW
THE IDENTITY OF THE C-PAC ATTENDEE WHO WAS INFECTED, BUT
ONE THING WE KNOW FOR SURE, "THE UNNAMED INDIVIDUAL" HAD NO
INTERACTION WITH TRUMP.
SO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS WOMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: PLAY IT SAFE.
TRUMP DID REPORTEDLY SHAKE HANDS WITH C-PAC CHAIRMAN MATT SCHLAPP
WHO HAD INTERACTED WITH THE INFECTED PERSON, WHICH MAKES THE
PRESIDENT JUST TWO DEGREES OF SEPARATION AWAY FROM THE VIRUS.
OH, NO!
CORONAVIRUS IS BASED ON DEGREES OF SEPARATION?
SOMEONE CHECK ON KEVIN BACON!
HE'S A POTENT DISEASE VECTOR!
HE WAS PATIENT ZERO FOR DANCE FEVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE PERSON WHO DID HAVE
SUSTAINED CONTACT WITH THE INDIVIDUAL IS TEXAS SENATOR AND
CHONKY WOLVERINE, TED CRUZ.
( LAUGHTER ) CRUZ HAS NO SYMPTOMS, BUT JUST
TO BE SAFE, HE HAS SAID THAT HE WILL BE SELF ISOLATING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
ADDING, "IN FACT, JUST TO BE SAFE, I'VE BEEN SELF ISOLATING
FOR YEARS.
THAT'S WHY I EAT ALONE IN THE SENATE CAFETERIA, I HAD NO
FRIENDS IN COLLEGE, AND NO ONE CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I
WAS SIX.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S JUST DOING HIS PART.
( LAUGHTER ) MANY C-PAC ATTENDEES HAD BEEN
SKEPTICAL ABOUT THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE VIRUS, LIKE ARIZONA
CONGRESSMAN AND DAD TRYING OUT BANGS, PAUL GOSAR.
FOUR DAYS AGO, GOSAR COMPLAINED ABOUT THE COST OF THE
CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE, TWEETING "SO THE HOUSE JUST PASSED
ADDITIONAL $7.7 BILLION FOR 80 CASES OF U.S. CORONA VIRUS UNDER
REVIEW.
THAT'S $9,625,000 PER PATIENT."
WELL-- AND THIS MAY SHOCK YOU-- GOSAR IS A DUMB ASS, BECAUSE
TODAY HE TWEETED, "I AM ANNOUNCING THAT I, ALONG WITH
THREE OF MY SENIOR STAFF, ARE OFFICIALLY UNDER SELF QUARANTINE
AFTER SUSTAINED CONTACT AT C-PAC WITH A PERSON WHO HAS SINCE BEEN
HOSPITALIZED WITH THE WUHAN VIRUS.
MY OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FOR THE WEEK."
THAT'S LIKE GETTING A TEXT FROM YOUR FRIEND THAT SAYS, "I DON'T
BELIEVE IN GHOSTS," THEN THE NEXT DAY, "TRAPPED IN A HAUNTED
MANSION OH MY GOD THERE'S NO WAY THIS NOISE IS JUST THE WIND.
EVERY DOOR I OPEN IS ANOTHER STAIRCASE.
MY OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FOR THE WEEK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO REPRESENTATIVE GOSAR IS UNDER SELF QUARANTINE.
AND I'M NOT SURE HE'S DOING TOO WELL, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON HE
TWEETED, "BEEN THINKING ABOUT LIFE AND MORTALITY TODAY.
I'D RATHER DIE GLORIOUSLY IN BATTLE THAN FROM A VIRUS.
IN A WAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
BUT IT KINDA DOES."
( LAUGHTER ) WOW.
WOW.
THAT'S DEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A DEEP THINKER.
"I COULD BE THINKING ABOUT HOW TO USE MY OFFICE TO HELP THE
PUBLIC, BUT INSTEAD I'M SKETCHING IN MY DREAM JOURNAL,
'CAUSE IN A WAY FIXING THINGS ISN'T MY JOB, BUT IT KINDA IS."
( LAUGHTER ) LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT IS NOW
ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE VIRUS BECAUSE TODAY
TRUMP CONGRESSIONAL BUDDY DOUG COLLINS TWEETED THAT HE TOO
SHOOK HANDS WITH THE ANONYMOUS C-PAC CORONAVIRUS DONOR, AND IS
CURRENTLY IN SELF QUARANTINE.
THANKFULLY, SINCE C-PAC ENDED COLLINS HAS LAID LOW AND ONLY
SHAKEN THE HAND OF ONE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT!
JIM, CAN YOU PLAY THAT CLIP AGAIN AND THIS TIME PLAY IT ALL
THE WAY TO THE END?
THERE HE IS.
AND -- OH!
IT'S A LONGE!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WASH YOUR
HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS, NOT SHAKE HANDS FOR 20 SECOND.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪ ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪
♪ I'VE GOT THE CORONAVIRUS ♪ ♪
♪ KEEP THAT CRUISE SHIP AT SEA ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WASN'T JUST COLLINS.
BECAUSE WE ALSO GOT A SELF-QUARANTINE STATEMENT FROM
FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN WHOSE HAT SIZE IS "CINDERBLOCK,"
MATT GAETZ.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, AT LEAST GAETZ DIDN'T
SHAKE TRUMP'S HAND.
INSTEAD, HE WAS SEEN BOARDING AIR FORCE ONE WITH TRUMP TODAY.
HIS TIMING COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
GAETZ ONLY LEARNED THAT HE'D BEEN EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS AFTER
AIR FORCE ONE LIFTED OFF FROM ORLANDO.
HE THEN ESSENTIALLY QUARANTINED HIMSELF, SITTING IN A SECTION OF
THE PLANE ALONE.
OH, THAT DEFINITELY WORKS!
I'M GOING TO SIT IN THE PRESSURIZE CABIN WHERE THEY
REPSYCH THE AIR.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
IF SOMEONE ON FIRST CLASS EATS AN ONION, YOU CRY IN COACH.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THIS IS A NATIONAL CRISIS
AND TRUMP SAID IT AT THE C.D.C., FOR THE SAFETY OF ALL AMERICANS,
WE SHOULD NOT LET DONALD TRUMP LAND!
(AS TRUMP) "THINK OF THE NUMBERS.
MY BEAUTIFUL NUMBERS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
"MY -- BEAUTIFUL --" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN KRASINSKI!