So I suppose first things first,
could you tell us maybe a little bit about yourself and what you do?
Of course. So my name is Grace and professionally,
I go by Grace Alice
and my job is a sexuality and relationships educator.
So I suppose we can dive right into the questions
I feel like I've disassociated with a lot of friends since lockdown
they've been focussing on family and one
or two close friends, and I don't seem to make the course.
It's caused me a lot of pain and I feel
socially inadequate as a result of a lack of connecton with others.
They're old friends
but is it time for me to give up on this friendship or should I keep trying
to reach out and arrange to do stuff over the summer?
How can I deal with drifting away from friends even if I don't want to?
OK, so my advice for someone who,
you know, feels they're drifting away from their friends or feels that their
friends aren't connecting with them as much is, first of all,
to really be kind to yourself, because this can be very difficult to cope with.
You know, friendship struggles can be just as upsetting as relationship struggles.
But I would say before you give up on those friendships,
I would encourage this person to express how they feel to these friends.
So without using blaming language,
so really focussing on, you know, using "I" language.
So this is what I feel and this is what I experienced.
The thing is, we often don't realise
anyway what's going on in someone else's life at the best of times,
but particularly, you know, during a pandemic and lock down like a lot
of people have talked about feeling fatigued, struggling with mental health,
struggling with staying connected and making the effort with other people.
So I would give your friends I would give
your friends a chance to respond and explain where they're coming from.
You know, they might see things completely differently.
They might be horrified that you've had this experience.
As wonderful as online connection is,
nothing can really replace that face to face interaction.
So now that things are opening up a little bit more, they might be able to maybe
reunite with them in a more kind of physical, maybe meaningful way.
And if your friends do not react in a caring way or, you know, in a positive,
empathetic way, then it might be time to start distancing yourself from them.
It doesn't mean you have to cut ties all
together because, you know, friendships do grow and they change.
And something like lockdown can be, you know, a real test for any friendship.
And that might just mean that moving
forward, you still care about your friends.
You still, you know, are very fond of them.
You've great memories.
You still spend some time with them, but maybe you're not relying on them as
much for that, you know, emotional support and that staying connected.
But I would give them a chance,
first of all, to just respond with how they see things.
And maybe there could have been something else going on with them besides
the friendship
I suppose, what are some healthy habits
to have when starting a new relationship, both, I suppose, platonic and romantic.
I would say one really important habit is to be yourself from the beginning.
And I know that sounds quite maybe basic and simple, but it's not.
It's actually really hard to be 100 percent authentically ourselves.
You know, we live in a world and society where we're kind of encouraged to do
the opposite, where we're encouraged to kind of maybe hide parts of ourselves.
So at the beginning of a relationship and even a friendship, you know,
the rose tinted glasses tend to be on in full force.
We can overlook important things.
You know, we could overlook certain red
flags or, you know, inappropriate behaviour or, you know,
there's a lot of different things that we might not pick up on because we're so
wrapped up in the warm, fuzzy part of the beginning of a relationship.
I would also say, you know,
don't lose yourself in the relationship, like enjoy all the excitement,
all the butterflies and the buzz, but stay connected to all the other parts
of your life that make you feel whole and make you feel like you.
Other friends, family, hobbies, passions, sports, whatever it is,
and start your relationship off with good communication.
It's much more difficult when you're,
you know, later at a later stage in a relationship and you are now only,
you know, expressing something that's really important to you.
And the other person might not see the same way.
And you're thinking, oh, right.
Why didn't we actually clock this at the beginning?
You know,
so approach the person and the relationship with curiosity,
not with a concrete idea of exactly how you expect it to be, try to listen to your
gut from the beginning and check in with yourself often.
Check in with how you're feeling.
How does this person make me feel?
How do they treat me, et cetera?
So I think they would be some
of the the main healthy habits to focus on at the beginning of any relationship really.
There was kind of a question on this person.
He kind of noticed some red flags in a friendship.
And he was like, I've noticed my friend has been doing awful things for years,
cheating on girlfriends, lying, being manipulative and the rest.
I'm calling him out on everything now,
but I think it might be time for me to cut ties.
This is how it is.
We've known each other for years and I'm really good friends with his brother also.
How do you know if enough is enough and will he change?
You know, calling out friends is a really difficult thing to do
and calling out horrible behaviour, disrespectful behaviour,
it's such a brave thing to do
so well done to this person, first of all.
So expressing how you feel again is super important.
So again, using "I" language and connecting with that friend and saying,
I really don't agree with your behaviour, it doesn't sit right with me.
And this is how I feel about it.
This is how it makes me feel.
See how they react to that again.
Now, this person has said that they have
been calling out their friend, so they've obviously already started to do that.
And I'm guessing there's not much change happening.
You know, cutting ties is an option.
But again, you might just decide
to distance yourself from him, from this person.
It can be very difficult, but friendships do change.
And, you know,
two people can grow in completely different directions,
even if you're really fond of them and love them to bits and have loads
of history with them, it's OK to grow in different directions.
And this is not to say that you'll never be friends again.
There's really no way of telling if he will change.
So all you can do is be honest,
be respectful, and it sounds like you have been.
And I would say when it comes
to friendships and, you know, bad behaviour,
enough is enough when nothing changes, regardless of how much you talk about it
and when you get that uneasy gut feeling, you know, maybe you no longer enjoy their
company because it's overshadowed by how he is treating others.
You know, the thought of meeting up with him, just the fun has gone out of it.
Maybe it feels draining as well.
So, you know, our friendships,
like our relationships, they're not going to be rosy in the garden all the time.
And they come with their challenges.
They don't make us feel amazing all the time.
But generally speaking, you know, spending time with friends should kind
of give you good energy rather than drain your energy.