- Did anybody find in the last few years,
when we'd been dealing with all the COVID shite,
anybody find that every now and again
they felt like they were going a little bit mad.
- [All Audience] Yes. - Yes.
So, overwhelmed is probably a better word.
I'd feel a bit overwhelmed,
and I'd do a thing that I thought would help.
Let me tell you a few of the things I tried.
First thing I tried, I bought some seeds.
Do you remember there was a while back there
when food was so scarce,
we all thought we were gonna have to grow it all ourselves.
(audience laughs)
I bought some seeds.
My friend quite rightly pointed out
that seeds only really grow fruit and vegetables.
I thought what fuckin' use is that to me?
(audience laughs)
Where are the seeds for the Twixes and the toilet rolls
and the microwave dinners?
That's what I need.
Does anybody want to hazard a guess
how many seeds I actually planted?
- [Audience Member] None. - None.
Thank you, none. (audience laughs)
There was a man the other day shouted out two,
which has gotta be the weirdest suggestion of all.
Sounds like I just tripped when I got out the car
and a couple accidentally landed in the ground.
Another thing I tried, tried a bit of yoga.
Does anybody do yoga?
- [Some Audience Members] Yes.
- Well, they even sound quite relaxed
when they're answering the question, don't they?
"Yes.
"I do yoga.
"I'm bendy as fuck."
(audience laughs)
I tried to bit a yoga, watched a lady on YouTube.
Had to turn the volume up really loud though
'cause I couldn't hear what she was telling me to do
over all of the clicking of my joints.
(audience laughs)
And initially I thought, this is gonna be harder for me
because I'm fat and the woman
in the video is wafer thin and tiny.
Is this gonna be harder for me?
And then after a while I realised if anything,
I had a slight unfair advantage.
For example, when she said, "Pull in your lower belly."
I thought, "I'm glad she knows I've got two."
(audience laughs)
I found a way to make planking a lot easier.
Do it naked.
Tits and belly hit the floor, a lot less to hold up.
(audience laughs)
And pretty much every time she said "Chin to chest"
I was sort of already doing it.
(audience laughs)
How is that a fucking exercise?
That's how I read.
(audience laughs)
Another thing I tried.
Gimme a woo if you've heard of the Couch to 5K app.
- [All Audience] Woo!
- Quite a lot of you.
For those of you haven't, let me tell you what it is.
It's an app to get you running, a BBC app.
The idea is you start as a beginner.
By the end you'll be able to run five kilometres
and the whole way through,
you have somebody in your ear talkin' you through it.
Telling you when to run, when to walk,
offer any kinda support and encouragement.
And of those people, there's quite a few people
you can choose from.
One of them is Olympic gold medalist, Michael Johnson,
and another one is me, how the fuck did that happen?
(audience laughs)
I was first asked to do it a long time ago now.
They were very nice to me.
They said, "You've got a really friendly voice.
"We thought you'd be great for this."
That's what they said.
What I think they meant was,
"You look like people who don't run."
(audience laughs)
When I recorded it, I said, "Can I mix it up?
"Can I change it round?
"Can I put my own words in?"
They said, "No, no, it's BBC.
"It's health.
"It's very important you just stick with what's written."
All I was allowed to do is put in some well done flowers
and well done pets.
That's all I was allowed.
All I really want to do on the bit bit where it says
"And now, have a snack such as a banana."
Really quietly underneath, I just wanted to go "Muffin."
(audience laughs)
So that you knew it was definitely me.
And in case, we're worried, I was safe.
It's good to know that.
It's good to know.
But pretty much every day somebody on social media
will send me a message saying they've started it
or they finished it or they're in the middle of it
and they never thought they could run
and now they can run and they love it.
And in one of my overwhelmed days, I thought
if it's working for all of those people,
maybe I should be giving it a go.
(audience laughs)
And then I thought, "Should I use my own voice?"
(audience laughs)
I couldn't work out if I'd find it inspirational
or really fucking irritating.
And the truth is both.
Some days it would say things like,
"You're doing really well.
"I'm really proud of you."
And I'd be like, "I am doing really well.
"Thanks for being proud of me, past me,
"sitting on a sofa, eatin' a fuckin' biscuit."
(audience laughs)
And other days it would say, "Well, if that went well,
"why don't you run a bit faster?"
And I would say, "Why don't you fuck the fuck off?"
(audience laughs)
But my husband said, "Isn't it hard?"
He prefers to do weights, doesn't like to run.
He said, "Isn't it hard?"
'Cause I did do it.
I completed the whole thing and I used my own voice
like an absolute Berlin.
I said, "Of course it's hard, it's running."
I said, "Haven't we all done loads of hard things
"over the last few years we never thought we'd have to do?"
And I came up with something that sounds like a catchphrase.
I dunno where it came from, but I like it
and I'm keeping it.
I said, "Of course it's hard,
"because if it was easy, it'd be biscuits."
I dunno where that came from.
(audience laughs)
Like I might have read it on a t-shirt.
Thanks for watching.
You know what would be great?
My brand new show, "Bobby Dazzler" is out now
and available exclusively
on my website, SarahMillican.co.uk.
Put the kettle on and settle in.