Multiple requests for this one. "Dr. Paul, how do I control my anger with my child?"
Sounds pretty important. I've got some really good tips for you today. When
people talk about temper, they usually mean anger which for me is tied into
brain physiology. Your brain is designed to take care of you. And to watch out for
threat. There's a part of your brain that kicks you into the fight-or-flight
response. Can you see how this might be related to temper? When we feel angry or
when we react in an angry way, it's a version of that fight-or-flight response.
You don't have to know a lot about brain physiology
to understand that the natural mechanisms of your brain are triggering
this for you. This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. In fact,
it's an indication that your brain is working. It's job is to take care of you.
The problem is that sometimes we perceive something as a threat that's
really not. Like our kids for example. Are our kids a threat to us? Typically no.
There are little people that we love and we have a stewardship to take care of
our children. They're not some angry bear that's going to destroy us.
But our brain specifically the limbic system part of our brain that's in
charge of the fight-or-flight response can't tell the difference. It doesn't do
any thinking. And so it kicks us into fight mode. Sometimes with people we love.
It kicks us into flight mode with people that we really want to stay together
with. And that's a little goofy but it makes sense when you understand that
that part of your brain has the job to take care of you. And to make sure that
you don't get eaten by a bear or run over
train. You need to be able to fight or get away when it's important. Now,
acknowledging that our kids are not a real threat to us but our brain is
probably tricking us into the same kind of a response. That tells us the first
step that we need to do in controlling our temper with our kids. And that is
giving control of your own brain. Your brains already doing what it's
programmed to do. You can program it to do something different. And the way this
happens is through practice. I work with police officers and law enforcement and
first responders. In the trainings that I do with them, it becomes very obvious
that they can train themselves to respond with a thinking response in
situations that would normally cause people to go into fight-or-flight. How do
they do this? Well, through practice and training. So the first tip is to calm
your brain through something that normally could or will calm your brain.
Different people use different strategies and techniques. Yoga,
meditation, mindfulness. These are all great practices that help us to calm
that fight-or-flight response in our brain and put us back into thinking mode.
One of the quickest ways I know to get there is through breathing. Just nice
deep focused breaths on purpose. In through the nose hold, out through the
mouth, nice and slow. Simple technique that as you practice
will help to calm your brain. And that's the whole point. Now, breathing doesn't
solve anything. What it does is it puts your brain in position to solve anything.
And to do the other suggestions that I'm going to give you on this video. So, let's
move on to the next one. And this gets into the psychology. Our mind is
constantly stories about what's going on. If you are
losing your temper, it's because you have created a story in your own mind that
this is not the way it should be. You might even endorse that as you hear
it from my lips. You might think, "Well, it's not the way it should be, Dr. Paul.
My kid is misbehaving. My kids not listening to me. My kid is doing this or
doing that." Okay, and you've created a story in your own mind that that's not
the way it should be. How should a kid act? Well, kind of like
your kids acting maybe. Because kids do this, right? What if we were to adopt a
different story? A different story that says something like, "You know what? This
is exactly as it should be." Acknowledging that it may not be the way you want it
or the way ideally you would have things play out. But accepting the way things
are changes you. And you get to show up differently. When you change the way you
look at things, the things you look at change. And we get into thinking errors
all the time. I think it's a thinking error to tell ourselves a story that
this is not the way it should be. There's all kinds of arguments that, "Oh, yeah. This
is kind of how things roll on this planet that we call home." So, connect with
that for a minute. What story are you telling yourself? And can you practice a
different story that would allow you to remain in control of your own emotional
reactions? I mentioned mindfulness earlier. Here's another powerful concept
that I think is going to make a big difference.
Stay in the now. I was recently exposed to some research that's been done about
anxiety and how we get wrapped up in knots
sometimes emotionally. And what these researchers connected it
to was departing from the now. Like when you're doing a task. Let's say that
you're vacuuming the floor, washing the dishes, doing the laundry or whatever.
Some seemingly meaningless tasks or some mundane thing that you just have to get
through. What people often will do is check out from the here and now and
check into something else. So we start thinking about the future and what's
going to happen and am I ready for this event that's coming up? Or what's going
to play out this afternoon or tomorrow or next week? Or our mind gets sucked
into the past. "I did that. And I'm so ashamed of... Or this thing happened and I
can't let this go." When we get pulled into the future or into the past, we
experience anxiety or fear or worry because of what might happen. And we
don't know we're imagining that, we're projecting it. But we get sucked into
that future mode and we feel anxiety and fear and worry. Or we get sucked into the
past and we start feeling guilt and shame and regret. Stay in the now. Because
right now things are good. Is that true? Right now, I mean in this
moment, is anything lacking for you? Whatever your answer is to that just
notice that your mind is concluding something about that. I had one of my
clients say, "Well, I'm kind of hungry." Okay, so you're hungry. But are you okay
right now? Like right in this moment, are you good? "Oh, yeah. I'm good now. I just
need to eat soon." See? And then the mind gets pulled into the future. Or "Well, I'm
feeling kind of bad about what I said to my husband this morning." Oh, this morning
is in the past. It's not now. Are you okay now? "Well, right now, yeah." I believe that
everything's okay right now. And if it's not okay, probably it's
because you're in pain or something like that. But even then, if you're in pain,
pain is an indicator to us that we need to change something because if we don't
stop it, we're not going to be okay in the future. Maybe in the near future.
But I can tolerate it right now. Wrap your head around that for a little bit
because I think as we stay in the now, it puts us in position to have a much
different experience with temper. Right now, things are good. And then one final
thought for today's video. It has to do with your job. What is your job as a
parent? You know where I'm going with this. Your job is to love them no matter
what and even if. Sometimes our frustration that causes the temper to
flare up is because we get distracted and we think our job is to make sure
that they whatever. Make sure that they do their job. Make sure that they are
productive citizens. Make sure that they don't fight and argue with each other.
Make sure that they obey. Make sure that they're happy. Oh, My heavens! This is an
exhausting impossible task. Because as good as you are as a parent, you suck at
that job of making sure that they (whatever). And this causes you to feel a surge in
temper. Am I right about that? Notice it and get back to your job which is to
love them no matter what and even if. Even if they're disrespecting you. Even
if they're not listening to you. Even if they're fighting with each other and
completely blowing off all their responsibilities. You can do your job. And
that helps to eliminate the psychological reasons for the temper
flaring up in the first place. It's not your job to make sure that they
anything. It's your job to love them no matter what
and even if. Hey, parents. If you haven't yet, please come join us at the Parenting
Power-Up. There's a link right over there. This is a course that Vicki and I have
collaborated to provide for you to give you the tools and the strategies and the
philosophy that you need to stay in control of yourself. And to show up in a
more powerful way for your kids. Join our positive parenting community by clicking
on the Parenting Power-Up. Go there now.
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