MY FRIENDS, MY NEIGHBORS, WELCOME -- WELCOME ONE AND ALL
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS, STEPHEN COLBERT.
EVERYONE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS,
EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY'S HISTORIC ARGUMENTS
BY OUR NATION'S HIGHEST JUDGES.
THERE WERE RECRIMINATIONS, REFERENCES TO STENCH.
CNN WAS ALL OVER THE STORY THIS MORNING WITH THEIR TOP HEADLINE:
"THE MASKED SINGER" REVEALS WHO'S BEHIND THE SKUNK.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, CNN, FOR YOUR
TIRELESS REPORTING ON A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE TO DRESS UP LIKE
A GIANT RODENT AND SING "I'LL BE MISSING YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, IT WAS FAITH EVANS.
SHE WILL BE MISSED.
( LAUGHTER ) WE ALSO HEARD FROM A SLIGHTLY
LESS TRUSTED BODY: THE SUPREME COURT.
THE JUSTICES HEARD ORAL ARGUMENTS OVER A MISSISSIPPI
ABORTION BAN, AND ACCORDING TO COURT WATCHERS, THE SUPREME
COURT SEEMS POISED TO OVERTURN ROE V. WADE.
( BOOING ) NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU CAN'T
READ TOO MUCH INTO ORAL ARGUMENTS.
SO, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S ULTIMATELY GOING TO HAPPEN,
OTHER THAN THEY WILL DEFINITELY KNOW BECAUSE BASED ON WHAT WE
HEARD FROM THE JUSTICES, IT'S LOOKING ROUGH
FOR ROE.
OR AS ONE LEGAL EXPERT PUT IT: >> RUH-ROE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, JOHN ROBERTS,
WHO HAS BEEN SEEN AS A POTENTIAL SWING VOTE IN THIS CASE AND IS
DESPERATE NOT TO MAKE THE SUPREME COURT A PURELY PARTISAN
INSTITUTION, IS TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO JUSTIFY MISSISSIPPI'S 15
WEEK BAN WITHOUT OVERTURNING PRECEDENT, WHICH IS 24 WEEKS:
>> AND WHY WOULD 15 WEEKS BE AN INAPROPRIATE LINE?
VIABILITY, IT SEEMS TO ME, DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH
CHOICE.
BUT IF IT REALLY IS AN ISSUE ABOUT CHOICE, WHY IS 15 WEEKS
NOT ENOUGH TIME?
SO IT WAS 24, NOW MAYBE 15?
>> STEPHEN: IS ROBERTS CHIEF JUSTICE OR CHIEF AUCTIONEER?
I HEAR 24 WEEKS.
CAN I GET 15?
15, I HEAR 15, CAN I GET 6?
SIX FROM TEXAS, ANY LESS?
GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, AND SOLD TO A GLINT IN YOUR
BOYFRIEND'S EYE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, ROBERTS SEEMED A LITTLE
MUDDLED ABOUT THE TIMELINE.
CLARENCE THOMAS SEEMED CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
AT ALL.
>> I UNDERSTAND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ABORTION HERE, BUT WHAT IS
CONFUSING IS THAT WE -- IF WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND
AMENDMENT, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE FOURTH AMENDMENT, I KNOW WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN, IT'S THERE.
WHAT SPECIFICALLY IS THE RIGHT HERE THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?
>> STEPHEN: HE KNOWS IT'S HIS JOB TO 'INTERPRET' THE
CONSTITUTION, RIGHT?
I'D LIKE TO SEE CLARENCE THOMAS IN A LIT CLASS.
IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "ANIMAL FARM," I UNDERSTAND WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT A BUNCH OF ANIMALS ON A FARM.
AND THAT'S ALL IT'S ABOUT.
THERE'S NO MENTION OF THE RUSSIAN REVOLUTION.
NOW ON TO MY FAVORITE BOOK ABOUT FIRE SAFETY: "FAHRENHEIT 451."
( LAUGHTER ) ONE ARGUMENT SUPPORTING ROE IS
THAT A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE IS DIRECTLY LINKED TO HER ACCESS
TO ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITY.
JUSTICE AMY CONEY BARRETT BELIEVES THAT DOESN'T MATTER
ANYMORE, THANKS TO WHAT ARE CALLED "SAFE HAVEN LAWS" IN ALL
50 STATES THAT ALLOW MOTHERS TO RENOUNCE ALL PARENTAL
RESPONSIBILITIES AT BIRTH: >> BOTH ROE AND CASEY EMPHASIZE
THE BURDENS OF PARENTING, AND INSOFAR AS YOU AND MANY OF YOUR
AMICAE FOCUS ON THE WAYS IN WHICH THE FORCED PARENTING,
FORCED MOTHERHOOD WOULD HINDER WOMEN'S ACCESS TO THE WORKPLACE
AND TO EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES, IT'S ALSO FOCUSED THE CONSEQUENCES OF
PARENTING AND THE OBLIGATIONS OF MOTHERHOOD THAT FLOW FROM
PREGNANCY.
WHY DON'T THE SAFE HAVEN LAWS TAKE CARE OF THAT PROBLEM?
>> STEPHEN: AMY CONEY BARRETT DOESN'T THINK A WOMAN HAS TO BE
A MOTHER, SHE JUST THINKS SHE HAS TO GIVE BIRTH.
IT'S ALL IN HER NEW PREGNANCY GUIDE:
"WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE BEING FORCED TO BE EXPECTING."
BARRETT DID CONCEDE THAT MANDATORY PREGNANCY MIGHT BE
INCONVENIENT, BUT SHE DOESN'T SEE THAT AS A PROBLEM:
>> THERE IS WITHOUT QUESTION AN INFRINGEMENT ON BODILY AUTONOMY
WHICH WE HAVE IN OTHER CONTEXTS, LIKE VACCINES.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT THAT SEEMS LIKE A FALSE
ANALOGY.
VACCINES ARE MANDATED BECAUSE COVID IS CONTAGIOUS.
NO ONE SAYS, CAN YOU PUT A MASK ON YOUR BELLY?
I DON'T WANT TO CATCH BABY.
OF COURSE, THE THREE LIBERAL JUSTICES WERE NOT BUYIN' ANY OF
THIS.
ESPECIALLY JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR, WHO POINTED OUT THAT
NONE OF THE BASIC ISSUES HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE COURT'S
PREVIOUS UPHOLDING OF ROE.
AND THAT MISSISSIPPI'S STATED PURPOSE FOR BRINGING THIS CASE
NOW IS BECAUSE THEY WANTED IT IN FRONT OF ALL OF THESE NEW
REPUBLICAN APPOINTEES.
AND GIVEN THOSE FACTS, SHE ASKED THIS QUESTION:
>> WILL THIS INSTITUTION SURVIVE THE STENCH?
>> STEPHEN: IT'S A VALID QUETION, THOUGH THAT STENCH
MIGHT JUST BE BRETT KAVANAUGH'S BEER SWEATS, OR BOOF BURPS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THE JUSTICES DO OVERTURN ROE,
IT WILL NOT BE POPULAR.
LAST MONTH, AN ABC NEWS/ WASHINGTON POST/PAPA JOHN'S
TRIPLE BACON PIZZA POLL FOUND THAT 60% SUPPORT UPHOLDING ROE,
COMPARED TO ONLY 27% WHO WANT TO OVERTURN IT.
THAT'S MORE THAN 2 TO 1.
SO IF IT'S THIS UNPOPULAR, WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING IT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN?
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO TECHNICAL, BUT WE - WHAT'S THE
WORD - DON'T HAVE A DEMOCRACY.
FIVE OF THE NINE JUSTICES WERE APPOINTED BY PRESIDENTS WHO LOST
THE POPULAR VOTE, THE LAST THREE CONFIRMED BY A REPUBLICAN SENATE
WHO NOW REPRESENT 41 MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN THE
DEMOCRATS.
IN FACT, REPUBLICAN SENATORS HAVEN'T REPRESENTED A MAJORITY
OF THE US POPULATION SINCE 1996.
AND A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE 1996.
BACK THEN, THE OSCAR FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR WENT TO
KEVIN SPACEY AND THE BEST DIRECTOR WAS MEL GIBSON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE REPUBLICANS HAVE THEIR
NOMINEES: GIBSON-SPACEY 2024, STILL BETTER
THAN TED CRUZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
BUT, OH, IN PANDEMIC NEWS, WE'RE ALL
STILL TALKING ABOUT OMICRON.
THOUGH THERE'S A LOT OF CONTROVERSY ABOUT HOW YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO SAY OMICRON.
IS IT OH-ME-?
OH-MAH?
HOW DO YOU SAY IT?
>> OH MYYYY >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, ENSIGN.
YESTERDAY, WE LEARNED THE FIRST OMICRON CASE ON U.S. SOIL WAS
FOUND IN CALIFORNIA, WHICH LED THE STATE'S SECRETARY OF HEALTH
AND HUMAN SERVICES TO CLAIM CALIFORNIANS WERE PROUD TO HAVE
IDENTIFIED THE FIRST OMICRON CASE.
GOOD FOR YOU, GOLDEN STATE.
YOU SHOULD PUT THAT KIND OF POSITIVE SPIN ON ALL YOUR
DISASTERS.
GREETINGS FROM CALIFORNIA, HOME OF EXTRA CRISPY TREES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY CASE.
TODAY, A SECOND CASE OF THE OMICRON VARIANT WAS IDENTIFIED
IN MINNESOTA.
BUT DO NOT PANIC.
IT'S JUST ONE PERSON IN AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, WHO
RECENTLY TRAVELED TO NEW YORK CITY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OK, MAYBE HE WAS HERE ON
BUSINESS, SPENT MOST OF HIS TIME ALONE IN HIS HOTEL GETTING
TAKEOUT AND STARING PENSIVELY OUT THE WINDOW AT ALL THE PEOPLE
H WASN'T INFECTING.
RIGHT AFTER HE ATTENDED THE 2021 ANIME CONVENTION AT THE JAVITS
CENTER.
OH NO.
LET'S GO TO A REACTION FROM THE ANIME COMMUNITY:
>> DAMN YOU!
WHYYY?
WHYYYY?!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: SO OMICRON IS HERE,
BUT DON'T WORRY, PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS A PLAN THAT HE ANNOUNCED
TODAY.
ONE THING IS REQUIRING TRAVELERS TO WEAR MASKS ON AIRPLANES,
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION AND TRAINS.
OH GOOD.
TRAINS.
IT'S REASSURING TO KNOW THAT THE GUY MASTURBATING ON THE Q TRAIN
IS THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE ANTI-VAX COMMUNITY HAS
THEIR OWN PLAN TO COMBAT OMICRON: MAKE UP CRAZY CRAP.
THE NEWEST BATCH OF ONLINE STUPID MAINTAINS THAT OMICRON IS
A HOAX, SAYING: LEFTIES WILL BE FOOLED AGAIN.
THE REST OF US NEED TO STAY STRONG.
THEIR PROOF: IF YOU SCRAMBLE THE LETTERS OF OMICRON YOU GET THE
WORD MORONIC.
( APPLAUSE ) WOW.
WOW.
THAT THEORY IS INCREDIBLY, OMICRON.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, IT'S TRUE, IF YOU
REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN OMICRON YOU CAN SPELL MORONIC, BUT THAT
DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING.
IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN CORONAVIRUS, YOU CAN SPELL--
CORN SAVIOUR.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT
GOING TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ORVILLE REDDENBACHER.
THERE'S JUST AS MUCH CRAZY OVER IN THE U.K., WHERE THE ANTI-VAXX
COO-COOS THINK THE NEW VARIANT IS AN EVIL PLOT TO STOP
CHRISTMAS BECAUSE OVER THERE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS HAVE FOUND
THE ANAGRAM "NO CRIMBO" IN THE OMICRON VARIANT NAME, AND CRIMBO
IS BRITISH SLANG FOR CHRISTMAS.
FIRST OF ALL, BRITAIN, IF THAT IS YOUR NAME, WHAT KIND OF SLANG
IS CRIMBO?
SOUNDS LIKE THE CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME OF CHRIST AND A BIMBO.
IT'S WRONG!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED: YOU
CAN'T SPELL CRIMBO WITHOUT A B: THERE'S NO B IN OMICRON.
SO TO GET NO CRIMBO, BRITISH CONSPIRACY FOLKS USED
THE FULL NAME OF THE VARIANT, OMICRON-B.1.1.5.29.
EVEN IF YOU BELIEVE THIS STUFF, YOU GOTTA SEE THAT'S A STRETCH.
OK, WE'VE GOT ENOUGH LETTERS TO SPELL CRIMBO, BUT WHERE DO THE
NUMBERS GO?
GASP BLIMEY, THEY WERE STOLEN BY HILARY CLINTON!
SHE'S RUINED CRIMBO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT OSCAR WINNER MAHERSHALA ALI BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK, I'LL SHOW YOU THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST HOLIDAY GIFT.
BUY IT!