So I'm sorry I'm looking
at my phone, but I'm just finishing
up a Facebook fight.
I'm just about done.
(audience laughing)
You guys on Facebook?
Is this like a Facebook place?
(audience cheering)
So if you don't know,
I'm an Italian by now.
(audience laughing)
It took like three sentences
before you figured that out, right?
I'll tell you an Italian joke.
How come Italians don't like
Jehovah Witnesses?
Because we don't like any witnesses.
(audience laughing)
So let me just say being an Italian
and a Christian,
I'm a Christian and Italian,
is a real challenge on Facebook
because Italians like confrontation.
We like to fight.
But you want to try to keep it clean
because everyone knows you're
a Christian, right Casey?
So it's really-- it's a tough thing,
right?
So I found a way to win fights
on Facebook.
Just follow me on this,
this is right off my Facebook page.
If you want to piss people off
and win fights, quote the Bible
to them.
(audience laughing)
You'll win every single fight.
So this particular post,
I was fighting about something--
someone posted a really extremely
negative comment about one
of our political leaders.
And you know what I'm talking
about when I say negative comments.
Not just a disagreement,
but it's vile to the point
of wishing them harm.
And as an Italian,
I need to confront this.
Don't you think, sir?
I need to say something about this.
So you know what I told them,
Romans 13:1.
"Let everyone be subject
"to the governing authorities.
"For there's no authority except that
"what God has established.
"The authorities that exist
"have been established by God."
Is that a good response?
You'll let me know if I won
this fight or not, right?
What I'm saying is,
hey, you're not in charge,
God's in charge.
It's OK, don't worry about it.
So he responded back to me.
He said, "Why are you quoting Bible
"verses to me?"
You know what my response was?
Timothy 3:16.
(audience laughing)
"All scripture is God-breathed
"and useful for teaching,
"rebuking, correcting,
"and training, and righteousness."
(audience laughing)
That's good, right?
(audience applauding)
I'm winning.
I haven't said a word
and I'm winning.
But see this guy, I don't know if he
realized what was going on.
He said, "I don't care what
"the Bible says.
"Aren't I entitled
"to my own opinion?"
So now I have to answer him
and I did, Proverbs 18:2,
"A fool takes no pleasure
"in understanding,
"but only in expressing
"his own opinion."
(audience laughing)
This is great.
I love Proverbs.
And he said, "Stop hiding
"behind Bible verses, answer me."
So I was forced to answer him
at this point, and I did.
I said Proverbs 26:4,
"Do not answer a fool
"according to his folly
"or you, yourself,
"will be just like him."
Casey, I'm winning this fight,
don't you think?
She's a Facebook friend of mine.
She might have seen this fight before.
(audience laughing)
But then the guy started getting
a little upset because I wouldn't
answer him.
He said, "It seems like you're
"trying to start a fight with me."
So my response, Proverbs 18:6.
"A fool's lips walk into a fight
"and his mouth invites a beating."
(audience laughing)
See, Casey, people are laughing.
But I don't know if they realize
this is actually in the Bible.
Do you guys know I'm not making
any of this up?
King Solomon, supposedly,
wrote Proverbs.
But I think he might have been
kidnapped by a couple of Italians
and they wrote that verse.
(audience laughing)
I like Vinny Cappuccino from
Staten Island, I think wrote that verse.
(audience laughing)
The guy got mad at me
and says "FU Parenti!!!"
with three exclamation points.
So I said James 5:12.
(audience laughing)
"Above all, do not swear by heaven
"or earth so you may not fall
"into condemnation."
Would you say I'm winning this fight
so far?
- Yeah.
- I'm winning.
And then he said, "Parenti,
"you could post all the Bible verses
"you want.
"I'm going to bash this guy every day
"on Facebook."
So I said Proverbs 26:11,
"As a dog returns to his vomit,
"so fools repeat their folly."
I win.
(audience cheering)
I win.
(audience cheering)
Facebook's a funny thing.
Like you know it's insane,
but you can't look away.
It's like a bad car accident driving by,
you just can't look away.
I think in the Facebook page,
what they should do is have your IQ
next to your page.
No, just wait.
His IQ is 3.
He's OK, I won't listen to a word
he says.
Won't you feel a little better
if you know the guy's low IQ?
I'm addicted to Facebook.
You know what I do?
I swear this is true.
When I go to sleep at night,
my phone is on vibrate,
and I kind of scroll
through Facebook.
And then I just kind of fall asleep
with the phone on my chest.
And every time somebody
posts a picture.
I'm like, I like it.
I like it.
(audience laughing)
Let's go.
(audience laughing)
I like it.
I like it, that's a nice piece
of cheesecake.
That's a nice piece of cheesecake.
I like that, it's great.
(audience laughing)
What is going on with social media?
People can't get enough
of social media.
Soon, forget about Alcoholics
Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous.
They're going to have Social Media
Anonymous.
They're going to take people's
phones away for a couple of days.
And they're going to walk around,
"I need a tweet.
"I just need a tweet,
"just a quick tweet.
"I got to post something right away."
So addicting.
Isn't this addicting, this thing?
I look at it a lot.
I'm guilty of it.
People just, in general,
just so addicted to their cell phone.
You know how you can tell
if someone's addicted?
Steal their phone for like
five minutes.
It looks like-- when they start
looking for their phone,
it looks like they're having
an epileptic fit.
(audience laughing)
Call me, call me hurry up, call me.
What is going on?
(audience laughing)
You know what's crazy
about the phone too?
You ever go to take a picture
and the phone's turned
the wrong way?
And you see yourself.
You're like, ah, oh, it's awful.
Who is that?
And people would do this on purpose
and taking selfies, and putting it
on Facebook.
This one lady, every three days,
she's like,
(audience laughing)
"Mani-pedi time."
I have to know when she's going
to cut her cuticles?
Like, this is something I need
to know?
I mean, after a while,
I just had to block her.
I mean, I don't care if she's my sister,
I just can't watch it anymore.
I just can't see it anymore.
(audience laughing)
I mean, the dumbest thing
I've ever seen on Facebook
was someone posted a picture
of a half-eaten lasagna.
And the post was
"Too full to finish."
(audience laughing)
I mean, what I'm imagining is when
she posted this she was having
dinner, right?
So she's done,
she moves the plate away.
And her husband's like,
"what do you want to do now?"
She's like, "I better tell people
"what's happening.
"I better take a picture of this
"and put it out into the universe."
And what does she think's happening
on the other end?
She thinks people who scroll through
said, "Honey, forget
"about the Afghanistan earthquake,
"look at this.
"Debbie couldn't finish a lasagna.
"Hurry up.
"And why couldn't she finish
"the lasagna?
"She was too full to finish."
(audience laughing)
Addictive.
You know what it is?
My middle son says you get
a little endorphin boost when you
get a text.
So right, isn't it true?
So you'll kind of like getting a text.
You think it's something
interesting, whatever it might be,
right?
I mean, I spend a lot of money
for these phones.
I have four kids--
three kids, sorry, and my wife.
It's 400-- after the first one,
you lose track.
Don't worry about it,
you'll find out.
(audience laughing)
So actually, I've been married--
I just celebrated our 30th, Casey.
Would you believe, 30 years?
(audience cheering)
Crazy.
Yep.
They say the first 30 years
are the hardest.
That's what they say.
(audience laughing)
You have to keep the romance alive
when you're married,
so we go for long walks
on the beach.
She goes on Tuesday,
I go on Thursday.
(audience laughing)
And she was hinting at me this year.
She goes, "you know, it's our 30th.
"Maybe we could renew our vows."
I thought it'd be more romantic
if we reversed our vows.
She didn't like that idea.
But then I told her the kids would
disappear, and now she's all for it.
(audience laughing)
So 30 years of marriage.
I have learned a few things
about women, Casey.
How many years you're married now,
Casey?
- Eighteen.
- I've learned a few things
about women.
Now, you guys could agree with me
or not, but what I've learned
is women can't keep a secret.
Now, there might be some exceptions
in this crowd, and I'm OK if there are.
You can't keep a secret.
I can just tell by the way you're
looking at me right now.
She's like, oh he knows.
He knows.
A lot of the guys don't know.
Now, after the first 20 years,
I didn't know.
So a lot of guys here don't know.
Let me explain how women
keep a secret.
As soon as you tell the secret,
you leave the house,
she calls her friend,
"Carla, I have to tell you something.
"But you have to promise not
"to tell anyone."
The next call, her friend Karen.
"Karen, I have to tell you a secret,
"but you have to promise not
"to tell anyone."
A lot of women
think if they tell somebody not
to tell anyone, they're keeping
the secret.
That's not how it works.
Men can keep a secret because God
made us differently.
I'm not saying it's better or worse.
I'm going to explain to you how
a man does it in his brain
because when you're telling him
the secret, he's not even listening.
(audience laughing)
Not even listening.
By the time you're done telling him
the secret, he hasn't heard a word
you said.
Secret is safe with us.
(audience laughing)
Sorry.
And the reason men can keep secrets
is because we can't remember
anything.
Like if you told me that somebody
outside ready to murder me after
the show, I'd walk out of the show
like, "Ooh-doo-doo, oh, it was
"a great show."
An hour from now, I would forget.
Women don't forget.
They have women's
amazing memories.
Amazing.
Once a week, my wife's like,
"We got to pray for Bob,
"he just got into a car accident."
I'm like, Oh, who's Bob?
(audience laughing)
"It's Julie's husband."
Oh. Who's Julie?
"You met him at the Christmas party
"for 2 and 1/2 minutes 13 years ago."
What are you talking about?
Their memories are amazing.
Listen, years ago
in the Old Testament,
men used to live to 700
and 800 years old.
Could you imagine looking
at your face, "Who's that person?
"I've been friends for 400 years,
"I don't even recognize them.
"Who is that?
"I don't know who that is."
My wife would be like, You met him
at the cave party 200 years ago.
What's the matter with you?
You don't remember anything,
what's wrong with you?
(audience laughing)