0:09 Are you a woman with a male partner who just
refuses to go down on you? So we've been hearing about this a lot from our Instagram audience, like
0:18 we're not happy about it. We
0:22 know there are a lot of women out
there who are really wanting their partner to go down on them and just really struggling with like,
Why isn't he doing it? Does he realize he's not doing it, there's a lot of different dynamics
that are getting stirred up. So before we go any further, we first of all, just want to acknowledge
that this is going to be a heteronormative video, we try to be as inclusive as possible
in all of our videos. But we wanted to talk about this specific dynamic between men and women that
we've been hearing about a lot lately. So if your partner isn't going down on you, it can bring up
a lot of discomfort for you this kind of like, like I was just mentioning a minute ago, like,
Why isn't he going down on you? I think there's a stereotype that like a lot of guys hate oral sex,
and they think it's kind of weird or achy, you might be feeling nervous pushing for it. And we'll
talk about this in a minute. But I think a lot of women, you know, we've been led to believe that
our genitals are weird, and they're icky, and they smell bad, and they taste bad, and they're gross.
So for a lot of women, we don't even want to like, really push for our partners to do it,
we might even feel uncomfortable with it in the first place. Because we've been taught to be so
ashamed of this part of our body. And oral sex obviously means that he's like, all up in there,
right. And I think just in general, female pleasure is pretty stigmatized. So we don't tend
to see a lot of people like really emphasizing the things that are going to bring women
pleasure. So today, we are going to be sharing our top tips for helping your partner overcome
any objections that he may or may not have to oral sex and encouraging him to go downtown.
1:53 But before we do that,
we just want to say if you're brand new to our channel, then Hello, we are
Vanessa and Zander murrin. In essence, a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.
2:04 And our account is all about giving you the tools,
tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship in side of the
bedroom and out. So if you are already interested in that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe
button. Also, did you know that this is our 100th? video? Wow, amazing. We have some real old ones
from way back in the day. So it hasn't been 100 of us together. But this is our 100th video.
2:34 That's pretty cool,
2:35 I think so
2:36 thanks for being a part of it.
2:38 Alright, so let's talk about oral sex. So
the first thing we want to say is that we firmly believe that everybody gets to have their own
boundaries around their sex size, it's your body that you get to decide what you feel comfortable
and not comfortable doing with it. That being said, it can get into kind of tricky territory
around whether or not your partner has like an actual boundary around oral sex. So your partner
may have had a traumatic experience with it, they may have had a negative experience with it,
there may be some other reason why they don't feel comfortable having oral sex as a part of their sex
life. And that's perfectly okay and valid. But if it's just the sense of like, I don't really
want to do that, that's where it gets a little bit trickier. So there are going to have to be,
you know, some tough conversations for some couples. But ultimately, we think that, you know,
for the vast majority of partners, it is something that like should be included in your sex life. So
we just want to normalize like this is a perfectly okay and valid request to have with your partner.
3:37 Alright, so
the first tip that we have is if you are making a request for oral sex,
make sure that you've made your request very clear. So a lot of times women think that they
have made a direct request. But in reality, they may have been a little bit vague or just
not clear enough for their partner to really understand that it was a very clear request.
4:00 And not you know, we're
not like blaming women here and saying, this is your fault. But I think especially with something
so as sensitive as oral sex, or again, we've been socialized to be so embarrassed of it,
and we shouldn't really push for it or ask for it. I think it's really easy for the requests
that we've made that might feel really clear to us to not actually be that clear to your partner
could also be completely on your partner that you actually have been very clear,
but for some reason your partner's just not hearing
4:24 Oh, yeah. But like,
you know, if it's something that you're, you know, ashamed of or a little bit nervous about,
oftentimes, it's easy to make a request in a kind of joking way.
And it's hard for your partner to tell Are you serious? Is this sort of just like a bad joke,
or, you know, could have been in a more non verbal way. So that's what we're saying, you know, the
first thing is very important is if you're going to make a request, let's make sure that it's super
clear. So tell us below Have you ever struggled to ask for or ask clearly for all from your
partner so leave us a yes or a no in the comments down below. Let us know what that's like for you
4:59 and Another tip we
want to talk about is like making a time specific request. So I think this comes up with requests
that we make inside and outside of the bedroom is we tell our partner that we want something,
but we don't really nail down a time. And so your partner might even be on board with it like, Yeah,
sure. And then they just literally forget, I mean, this has definitely
happened plenty of times with us where I'll ask you to take out the trash or, you know,
washing the dishes or something like that. And we just, it's really easy for us to forget.
5:24 So I
don't know, like, how long how often how much.
5:28 Yeah, so with
oral sex in particular, like you can say to your partner, I want you to go down on me tonight,
or what I want you to go down on me the next time that we have sex, something like that. So it's
more clear versus just this general, like, I want you to go down on me at some point in time.
5:43 And the other reason why
you want to make your request super, super clear, is that many guys have been rejected in the past
when they did try to initiate oral sex. And so they may feel discouraged from initiating again,
or trying again, or for from doing it very frequently. And it might have been you in the
past that kind of rejected them or turn them down. This happens very often early on in relationships,
and your partner may have internalized that, and just been operating from this perspective of Oh,
you know, like she she told me once not to do that, or she kind of pushed my head away
when I tried to do that. And so that must therefore be something she doesn't want. So I'm
not going to do it. Or it's this may have been a message they received from previous partners
that they've had, it could have been, they had a couple partners that all were not into it.
And then the conclusion they drew from that is, oh, women must not be very into this.
So that's just another reason why very clear requests are so important, because you have
no idea what your partner has internalized or assumed from you or from past partners.
6:47 Yeah, I can't tell you how many
clients I've worked with where the woman felt like she was being super clear. And the guy just really
thought that that was something that she didn't want. So it's definitely worth trying to clarify.
As part of your clear request, you can also think about like how you want to receive
oral so oral sex isn't just like one standard thing, it could be like,
I want to have oral sex to orgasm, I want to have oral sex just for like 30 seconds before
we move on to something else. Like the middle of SAT, yeah, I want to have like a night that's
just about me and my pleasure, or thinking about like frequency, like you might want oral
every single time or you might want oral like once a month or something like that. So the idea
here is just get clear on what it is that you really want and what you want to be asking for.
7:29 Alright, so if you get a no or you get some
resistance from your partner, the next important step is to ask them why And the idea here is that
you just want to better understand his story, his rationale, his past experience, so that,
you know, ideally, you can have some empathy or understanding from for where he is coming from
as well. So we want to make sure that we do make this kind of request, ask this question,
in a gentle way, not in an accusatory way, like, okay, justify yourself. Yeah, you know, it's about
just wanting to understand our partner's feelings. So just wondering, like, hey, like, What is that
like for you? You know, like, if you don't mind my asking, like, what's behind you saying no,
or behind you being unsure right now. And, you know, another thing to just keep in mind is that
very often, especially growing up guys can be made fun of for enjoying oral sex. I know amongst my
friends in college, there was kind of a running joke about one or two of the guys in my friend
group, because they went down on on women a lot, and they got made fun for a made fun of for that.
And that's something that just kind of remembered recently, and I'm like, man, I feel really bad.
That that's something that we did, I didn't really know any better than and I regret that.
8:47 Alright, our next
tip is to help him get more confident about his techniques. So this can be one of the objections,
like if he's feeling really insecure about like, I don't really know how to do it. I don't feel like
I'm very good at it. I haven't been successful at it in the past. Like that might be why he's
avoiding it. Now. I think it's also important to like point out like, a lot of men hate asking
for help. I know, that's like a stereotype. But there's also a lot of truth to it, too.
So one option that could be really fun is that we have foreplay guides for sale on
our website at Vm therapy.com will also pop the link in the description box below. And
we really go through like step by step exactly what to do to pleasure your partner with your
hands in your mouth. They're called foreplay guys, because that's what we all call it. But
in reality, like these can be the main event to oral sex, guys. Yeah, it can be fun to buy these
together, because then it's like, Hey, we're both going to learn new things. We're both
going to try new things on each other, rather than making him feel like you need this buddy.
9:47 Yeah, go figure it out.
Yeah. Another thing that you can try, at least early on is kind of using 60 nining as a segue,
so that way, you know you got to both focus on each other At the same time,
you know, one of the common complaints that people have about 1619 is that it is a bit distracting,
and it can be challenging to really properly focus on on the person you are giving
oral sex to. But if you're feeling nervous about it, it can be a great way to kind of lower the
stakes a bit and be like, yeah, you know, it's okay if we're both a little distracted here. And
you know, we can spend some time on each other while also receiving some pleasure ourselves.
10:25 Yeah. And finally, it makes sure to compliment
him on his technique. So whenever we talk about sexual feedback, we always encourage you
to focus more on like asking for more of the good stuff rather than telling someone to stop
doing the bad stuff. So that can just really help like boost his confidence and make him feel better
about doing it. Alright, so that wraps up our video on how to get your guide to go down on you.
10:48 If you liked this video,
give us a like please hit that red button and subscribe to our YouTube channel and
also click the notification icon so you get notified as soon as we post more videos
10:58 and if you want to check
out those four play guides that we mentioned will pop the disc the link to them in the description
box below. Definitely recommend checking them out. Thanks so much for watching. See
11:08 you next time.