(upbeat music)
- A landmark advancement in professional sports.
The Flyers have opened a rage room in Wells Fargo Arena.
It's a place where fans can unleash their anger.
It allows fans to go in and just smash stuff
inside the disassembly room.
It's the first ever rage room in professional sports.
- Okay, this is so strange. (audience laughing)
Because hockey already had a place
where you can get your rage out.
It's called hockey. (audience laughing)
I mean, it's a kind of crazy concept,
but at least now we know
how they destroyed al-Baghdadi's house.
This is probably what it was.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
This is an interesting idea, right?
Fans at sports games, all right, in Philadelphia
can go to a room and then smash things
to release their rage, which is actually pretty cool.
Except for the fan
who's gonna walk into the wrong room at the stadium.
Just like walk in, aagh (yelling).
Oh, this is accounting, ah.
(audience laughing)
Second door on the left.
Oh, my bad, my bad, I'm so sorry.
I will tell you this though.
This room wouldn't work
if you let an African uncle into the room, yeah.
'Cause they're not gonna smash anything.
Yeah, knowing my uncle,
he'll just take all the stuff home with him,
and be like, ah, I'm going to take that,
and I can take that as well.
They're like sir, you have to destroy it.
Okay, I will destroy this TV by watching it every day, ah?
(upbeat music)
Ever since Parkland, people have been asking,
how can we protect kids in the classroom?
And now one school district might have an answer.
- Designation continues to debate
the prospect of arming teachers.
One Pennsylvania school district
had decided to arm its community
with the most basic of weapons, rocks.
Every classroom in the Blue Mountain School District
is now equipped with a five gallon bucket of river stones
for students to stone an armed intruder.
- If an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance
to any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom
full of students armed with rocks.
And they will be stoned.
- Yes, they will be stoned.
(audience laughing)
That'll stop these school shooters
from committing adultery in medieval Europe.
(audience laughing) This is such a dumb idea.
It's like bucket of rocks is both the idea and the metaphor
for how dumb the idea actually is.
(audience laughing) Heh, ah.
You realize with rocks, all the shooter needs is a helmet,
and then he's back to being
the most dangerous person in school.
And besides, even if the kids have rocks,
if the shooter whips out paper, that beats rock every time.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
Ever since Parkland, people have been asking,
how do we protect our kids from school shooters?
All right, a few weeks ago
we told you about a Pennsylvania school
that was arming every classroom with a bucket of rocks.
'Cause I mean, hey, if it worked against saber tooth tigers,
then why not AR-15s, right?
And now another Pennsylvania school district has an idea.
- [Reporter] One school district's response
to recent school shootings is this.
They're arming teachers with mini baseball bats.
The bats are primarily symbolic,
but they are an option for teachers to use
if they need to fight off an attacker.
- This is a tool to have in the event
that we have nothing else.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, you know what?
Just give the teachers guns.
Give them guns, give them guns.
'Cause this is just embarrassing now.
I mean, this is nuts.
Really, what?
The principal was like we wanna protect the kids
from school shootings,
but all we have is Chuck E. Cheese tickets.
What are we gonna get?
What do we get?
(upbeat music)
- There is a firestorm tonight over what happened
three days ago at a Starbucks in Philadelphia,
where the police were called in
and two black men and were arrested.
- [Reporter] This video captured by a witness' cell phone
shows police talking, and later handcuffing the men
while they were waiting for a friend.
The men wanted to use the restroom,
but the manager said that per store policy they couldn't,
since they didn't buy anything.
When they wouldn't leave, she called police.
- How crazy is this?
Two men arrested for waiting to meet someone at Starbucks.
You see this, this here?
This is why black people should always show up late.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, if you're early, it's loitering.
For our safety, black people,
we show up late everywhere we go.
In fact, this got me thinking.
Maybe it's not true that black people are never on time.
It's just that we only know about the ones
who show up late because all the early ones got taken away.
Maybe that's what it is. (audience laughing)
And I know, I know.
I know there are some people saying,
well, why were these guys in Starbucks doing nothing?
Huh, why?
Well, because that's what Starbucks is for.
(audience laughing) Everyone is doing nothing.
(audience clapping) Everyone.
Starbucks is basically a bus station with espresso machines.
That's all it is. (audience laughing)
In fact, the only mistake these black guys made
was not using the tactics of the white man.
That's all they did.
Yeah, when the manager accused them of doing nothing,
they should have replied,
uh, actually I'm writing a screenplay.
That's what I'm doing. (audience laughing)
But look, if I can get serious for just a minute here,
I will say this.
Do you have any idea what it does to a person's dignity
to be arrested by bike cops?
(audience laughing) Huh.
Think about this. (audience clapping)
Think about this.
Someone calls the cops on you.
And instead of driving up with sirens wailing, all badass,
they're like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
(audience clapping)
And how do they even get you back to the station, huh?
(audience laughing)
Do they throw you on the back of a bicycle built for two?
(audience laughing)
And now you're in custody, but you have to help them pedal.
You're just there at the back,
like man, this some bullshit, man.
(audience laughing) This is some bullshit.
We look adorable though.
We look adorable. (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
After the situation at Starbucks,
we've heard multiple stories
about people getting the cops called on them
for being black in public.
But yesterday's story might be the craziest.
- Five women claim that they are victims of racial profiling
after they say the owners of a Pennsylvania golf course
asked the group to leave the course.
The women say workers at Grandview Golf Club
kicked them out halfway through the game
when the workers said that the women were playing too slow.
- [Reporter] Northern York County Police confirm
authorities were called to the course Saturday afternoon.
And at that point,
the cell phone video confirms the club owners
were telling the women to leave.
- Remove yourself from our premises
in the next five minutes, please.
- [Man] Because the authorities have been called.
- I'm sorry, but this is insane.
These dudes called the cops
because a group of black women were playing golf too slow?
Like black people can't win in America, right?
If you advance on white people, you're a threat.
If you run away from them, you're suspicious.
And now they call the cops on you when you take your time?
It's golf, that's what golf is for.
You know what the problem in America is?
It's that white people call the police
like they're asking for the manager.
It's like, this is unacceptable, unacceptable!
I demand to see someone who might shoot you!
Come on. (audience laughing)
Now luckily in this case, the police handled it correctly,
and there were no arrests.
In fact, I like to think the police only showed up
because they didn't believe
that there were five black women playing golf.
They were like, Marty, bring the camera.
This is gonna be insane. (audience laughing)
I'm glad that nothing happened to the women.
But I would like to hear the sportscast for that.
If only there was an announcer who was like,
okay, so they're teeing up.
And oh, a race war is breaking out on the fourth hole.
These douche bags have never seen black women before.
Oh, the cops have let them go.
Very nice, very nice. (Trevor clapping)
(upbeat music)
Tim Murphy has spent his whole career fighting abortion.
He's part of the Pro-Life Caucus.
And just this week he co-sponsored a bill
to ban all abortions after 20 weeks,
which is why this story is so insane.
- A vocal pro-life Congressman from Pennsylvania
is now right in the middle of a scandal.
His former mistress claims Republican Tim Murphy
urged her to get an abortion.
- Oh (beeping)!
And the same week,
the same week he puts up an abortion ban.
This dude's timing could not be worse.
He's like, let's ban all abortions, yeah!
She's like, I'm pregnant.
Oh, all right, we gotta get you to Canada
'cause these crazy assholes just banned abortion.
We gotta get you there right now, right now.
Just so you know,
Murphy's mistress wasn't actually pregnant, right?
It was just a scare, which makes this even funnier.
(audience laughing)
The guy didn't even wait a day?
He didn't even wait a day to confirm it
before he abandoned his entire belief system?
Tim Murphy would make the world's worst spy.
He'd be undercover and some dude would be like,
hey, are you Tim Murphy?
You got me!
I've been secretly leaking our secrets to governments!
You'll never take me alive!
Cyanide pill, mm. (audience laughing)
I'm just delivering your pizza, man.
Oh, oh, (spluttering) oh, oh.
(spluttering) Oh, yeah, thank you, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
(audience cheering) Thank you.
Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life,
I think we can all come together to laugh at this man.
(audience laughing)
Because when you see how hardcore
he claimed to be against abortion his entire career.
- But it always has distressed me
when sometimes these arguments come out
about pro-life or pro-choice or abortion.
And somehow because a person is only a man,
he doesn't get to have input on that.
There is no more humbling but prouder thing to do
than to save a child's life.
It is not just some amorphous cells there, floating about.
But these are real beings, real beings.
- And he's a real asshole.
(audience cheering) Real asshole.
If you're wondering how on earth
could someone say those things about abortion in public,
and then in private urge his side chick to have an abortion?
Well buckle up, because his excuse
is gonna take you for a ride.
- [Reporter] According to the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette,"
in January Murphy's alleged mistress, Shannon Edwards,
texted him saying, "you have zero issue
"posting your pro-life stance all over the place
"when you had no issue asking me
"to abort our unborn child just last week."
Murphy reportedly responded,
"I get what you say about my March for Life messages.
"I've never written them.
"Staff does them."
(audience groaning)
- Wow, wow.
This guy's my favorite.
It was his staff the whole time?
Like for years he just read
whatever they put in front of him, really?
Abortion is murder.
That seems harsh guys, but okay, I'm reading it.
Whatever, whatever.
What a unique excuse for a leader to use.
I don't believe it, my staff just wrote it.
What if the leader of ISIS tried the same thing?
We will chop off the heads of all the infidels!
Wow, oh, you guys are rough.
(audience laughing) This is crazy.
Oh, whatever, I'm just reading the prompter.
I'm doing my thing, whatever.
So after this scandalous news broke this week,
today Congressman Murphy made a big announcement.
- Breaking news right now in our politics lead.
Embattled Republican Congressman Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania
we are told will resign his seat effective October 21st.
- Oh. (audience groaning)
It's such a pity that Tim Murphy terminated his career
before it came to term. (audience laughing)
Such a pity. (audience cheering)
No, this is not a joke, people.
This is real sad.
(audience laughing) Real sad.
(upbeat music)