♪ ♪ >> Stephen: "THE LATE SHOW"
BAND. I WAS SAYING TO LOUIS.
I WAS SAYING TO LOUIS IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK THROUGH ONLY
FIRST CAME OUT HERE, I THOUGHT HE WAS WEARING A BLACK SUEDE
JACKET AND NO SHIRT. I THOUGHT THAT'S REALLY DARING.
THAT IS VERY SLY STONE OF YOU OVER THERE.
THAT WAS VERY FUNKY. TONIGHT WE HAVE OUR DEAR FRIEND
OF THE SHOW, DAMIAN LEWIS IS ON THE SHOW THIS EVENING.
YOU MIGHT KNOW HIM FROM THAT "BILLIONS" SHOW.
WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE THE AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N., LINDA
THOMAS-GREENFIELD IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT. COMING UP IN A FEW DAYS, WE
ALREADY HAD THE ANNIVERSARY OF PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE,
LAST FRIDAY. WE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT.
SHE WAS ON THE FLOOR OF THE U.N. GIVING A SPEECH ABOUT PEACE WHEN
THE INVASION HAPPENED A YEAR AG AGO.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME ROAMING THE SWISS NEWS ALPS,
HERDING THE DAY'S FINEST SIMMEN-TALL STORY CATTLE
TO HARVEST THE MOST TOPICAL CUTS WHICH I PAIR WITH A REDUCTION
OF SHALLOT AND BARREL-AGED PORTUGUESE WINE TO SERVE YOU
THE MADEIRA-DIJON TENDERLOIN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I AM HOSED AWAKE BEHIND A CONDEMNED RETIREMENT
HOME, GRAB A FISTFUL OF DISCARDED LUNCH MEATS,
TOSS THEM INTO A BUSTED BLENDER WITH CRUSHED-UP PEPTO BISMOL
THEN POUR THE SLURRY INTO AN OLD BABY SOCK TO OFFER YOU
THE TRICK-INELLA-TAINTED DRIFTER SAUSAGE OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
IT'S PURE, CLEAN ENERGY IS WHAT IT IS.
MEANWHILE, AMID A STUDENT HOUSING SHORTAGE,
CALIFORNIA STATE POLYTECHNIC UNIVERSITY AT HUMBOLDT
IS CONSIDERING PUTTING STUDENTS ON A BARGE.
THOUGH IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THAT CLASSWORK COULD BE AFFECTED BY
HOUSING STUDENTS ON A BARGE. "PROFESSOR, SORRY MY PAPER WAS
LATE. MY DORM HAD TO RUN A LOAD
OF BAUXITE TO SINGAPORE." MEANWHILE, IN THEATERS THIS
WEEKEND, COCAINE BEAR'S BOX OFFICE CAME DANGEROUSLY
CLOSE TO TAKING NUMBER ONE. WHILE IN MY FRONT YARD THIS
WEEKEND, ONCE AGAIN, METH RACCOON CAME DANGEROUSLY
CLOSE TO TAKING MY CAR. YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
TAKE SOME ACTION. MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT MEANWHILE
BALLISTIC LASER SYSTEMS AND GOGURT IMAGINEERING
SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY STORIES ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY
THAT WE COLLECT THEM IN OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT,
"SOVEREIGN-WHILE. ACCORDING TO REPORTS,
THE KING'S CORONATION IS IN CRISIS AFTER ELTON JOHN
AND THE SPICE GIRLS TURNED DOWN THE CHANCE TO APPEAR.
SIR ELTON JOHN IS SNUBBING THE KING?
I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.
>> ♪ IT'S A LITTLE BIT FUNNY ♪
>> Stephen: YUP. THAT'S IT.
APPARENTLY ENGLAND'S "MINISTRY OF KINGLY FESTIVALS"
OR WHATVER IS REALLY STRUGGLING TO BOOK MUSIC FOR THE CORONATION
SINCE, ASIDE FROM ELTON AND THE SPICYS,
ED SHEERAN, ADELE, AND ROBBIE WILLIAMS HAVE
ALSO TURNED DOWN THE CHANCE TO PERFORM AT THE CONCERT.
SO THE PLANNERS ARE GOING WITH WILLIAM AND CAMILLA
PLAYING "YAKKETY SAX" ON KAZOOS.
MEANWHILE IN TAKING IT EASY NEWS, APPARENTLY THE LATEST WORK
PLACE TREND IS CALLED "BARE MINIMUM MONDAYS."
NORMALLY I WOULD HAVE A JOKE HERE, BUT...
MONDAY. MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE POND,
THE U.K. IS EXPERIENCING A FRUIT AND VEGETABLE SHORTAGE
THAT COULD LAST UNTIL MAY. THE U.K. GOVERNMENT BLAMES THE
SCARCITY, IN PART, ON POOR WEATHER CONDITIONS
IN SPAIN. OKAY, HAVE THEY TRIED PLANTING
THE CROPS ON THE PLAIN? 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE RAIN
MAINLY FALLS. IT'S MY UNDERSTANDING.
MEANWHILE, NEWS FROM NEW YORK, BECAUSE NEW YORK CITY THIEVES
ARE STEALING APPLE HEADPHONES OFF VICTIMS' HEADS.
IT INVOLVES PEOPLE ON MOPEDS RIDING UP TO VICTIMS AND
SNATCHING THEIR APPLE AIRPODS MAX, THEN SPEEDING OFF.
GOOD GOD. WHAT IS AMERICA COMING TO?
MOPED CRIME? WHAT IS THIS, MARSEILLE?
WHEN YOU GET MUGGED IN NEW YORK, THERE ARE STANDARDS!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET CONKED OVER THE HEAD WITH A LENGTH OF
REBAR AND THEN THREE RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT
TAKE YOUR [BLEEP] AND THEIR GETAWAY CAR
IS A COCKROACH. THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!
WORDS TO THAT EFFECT. MEANWHILE, IN SPORTS NEWS,
AMAZON'S JEFF BEZOS IS CONSIDERING A BID ON THE NFL'S
WASHINGTON COMMANDERS. THAT'LL BE EXCITING.
THE RECEIVER CAN ORDER THE FOOTBALL AND THEN SIGN FOR IT IN
THE END ZONE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK